I feel like my situation is pretty unique so I wanted to ask if anyone had any similar experiences to offer me advice or anecdotes or just tell me I’m not alone.
I’m pretty young, and my mom was always sex negative growing up “your gonna hate sex!! You have to have sex with your husband or he’ll leave you!! If I ever catch you masturbating your dead!!” Blah blah blah.. To add insult to injury, my pediatrician SA’d me as a kid every year at my appointments. (I’m working through it, don’t wanna get into the details but it definitely effects my sex life still now.)
I also used to have some pretty gnarly major depression, I’m medicated now, on Wellbutrin which I understand doesn’t generally affect sex drive. But before I was medicated I was super hypersexual. My therapist says I was “addicted to cortisol” I loved the rush of a situation or a toxic FWB. Sex was my outlet and my way of coping with a bad day, good day, any day, loved sex. I am also bisexual if it matters? Shoutout.
Nobody has ever been able to make me orgasm (except my current boyfriend.. maybe?) I can only orgasm myself, I had kinda made peace with that and got enjoyment out of it despite this. My orgasms have never been spectacular, they only last about 5 seconds and I’ve definitely never had any full body fireworks can’t walk after O’s. I have always got off using syntribation , it’s quick easy and mess free. I’ve also NEVER watched porn, I’ll ready some saucy literature from time to time but porn icks me out, I don’t wanna watch it I wanna do it- lol.
These last few years, I’ve gotten a long term BF, and I feel like I’ve sexually collapsed into myself. I feel shameful for masturbating, I don’t feel super passionate about sex, it feels good.. but I feel like a crack addict who’s in recovery and drinking coffee instead. It doesn’t hit the same as it used to. It’s like if there isn’t a bit of self loathing and messiness involved I’m not into it?
Sex with my bf feels good but it’s not really ever as good as it has been with past partners. I’m his first so I kinda have to teach him everything but I kinda just don’t bother because I don’t want to be demanding, and again, that shame towards myself kicks in so I just take what I can get. He’s been close a couple times but he always just misses the mark and I lose it and then I get annoyed and give up.
And I guess that’s ok but I at least wanna be able to take care of business myself. I’ve debated trying toys and stuff but my shame for even wanting to masturbate stops me, I feel like there’s something wrong with me for wanting to be intimate with myself. Like I’m super sex positive, and I know everyone does it, but because I want to masturbate I’m a pathetic loser freak. For whatever reason.
Has this ever happened to anyone? How do you have a fulfilling sex life in recovery from unhealthy hypersexuality, how do you get over the shame for making yourself feel good, I just don’t know, and when I think about it I get a little sad because I’m young and hot and I should be having awesome sex,, I was having awesome sex! And now my libido is the lowest it’s ever been.
TLDR; I want to be able to satisfy myself and love myself in this way that I’ve been missing out on for years, and recover from my hyper sexuality days sorry for the whole essay, any advice is appreciated!