I’m (38F) married to my husband (38M) for nine years. We’ve been together since we were 21. And we have a wonderful 7 year old daughter.
I sometimes wonder why my husband ever married me, and while I don’t think I’d ever hurt myself, I just don’t know if I’ll ever be enough for him or my daughter. I don’t think I’m a great mom or wife and I don’t know when I’ll ever be.
up front, I have a lot of trauma. Was SA’d growing up by a family member who also was violent and emotionally abusive on a regular basis and for whom I was made to feel responsible for his outbursts. My dad died from cancer when I was a child, and my mother tried her best but was emotionally volatile and unreliable for most of my adolescence. I was super heavy and didn’t have friends, etc etc. it’s a lot of sad shit, and I’ve really been trying to make my peace with it over the last few years and not let it keep from being accountable from how it’s negatively affected my own choices. I spent a lot of our relationship drunk (he has never drank or done drugs) and struggling to deal with a lot of the things from my past. I never learned how to drive because we lived in a major city and never needed it (we now live in the burbs and it is a problem) but also had been in a car accident with my mom as a child that basically caused a complete mental breakdown in her and i didnt really ever come to terms with that. when i got pregnant with out daughter i stopped drinking, but a few months after delivery i fell back into it again and then had a very late miscarriage with a second pregnancy i wanted while getting laid off and that kind of escalated things and i checked out. I never hurt anyone physically or cheated or did anything life altering while drunk, thank god. But i hurt the both of them all the same. Two years ago i blacked out in front of both of them, however, and that was when i finally went to rehab.
I want to say that sobriety has been a gift. I am so glad I was able to get help. But as far as my marriage goes, I worry I won’t ever make full amendments towards my husband. He is the only one that drives still but I have been taking driving lessons and have failed my test twice. And he says this has created a big parenting imbalance on top of the fact that I don’t pick up enough. And I get it because I did check out a lot for those first few years, but I am constantly picking up doctors dates/game nights/school events and am always the one who watches our daughter when she is not at schools I also have, for years, been told I am not intimate enough or, that when we are, I do things that make him feel like I don’t love him (crossing my arms, looking sad—I genuinely don’t realize I’m doing it and i 100% will not engage with intimacy if I don’t actually want it, so it’s frustrating being told I’m doing it wrong or accused of not wanting him. I’ve tried so hard to initiate and be warmer, but inevitably I am doing something else that makes him feel not sexy or is a turn off. He also gets mad that I spend time with my friends in my free time, but every time I try to plan stuff for us, he is either busy or sabotages me making my plans (ie I wanted to take us to a fancy event where we could get dressed up and he said I had to plan it and I asked him repeatedly to tell me when he was free because it was going to sell out, and he never did. And then, suprise, it sold out. And I once again am the person who never wants to spend time with him or do things together.
I’ve been in a lot of intense therapy with the trauma and sa and drinking and I do feel proud of the progress I’ve made. And I am still actively getting my license and have a steady full time job again and am just being as present and responsible as I can be because it’s what my daughter deserves and what I need to be as a parent.
But I do think a lot of the damage has been done to the relationship. I’m not mad at my husband. I understand him feeling exhausted and lonely and done. But I have this sad feeling that even when I get my license and pick up more slack, I’ll still not be the wife he deserves or the mom my daughter needs. We fought again after an awkward makeout session where he accused me of not being in it, and today I asked him if I’m ever going to be enough for him, and he said he didn’t know how to answer me honestly at this point.
I am abbreviating a lot here and wishing I could do the situation more nuance and justice . We have been through marriage counseling and we’re both in therapy separately right now. But I worry we’re at an impasse just emotionally and I mostly just feel like a horrible wife and lazy mom and like I’m actively dragging everyone down. I’m trying so hard to work on it, and as someone who did a lot of wrong against my husband and as a recovering addict, I know I can’t dictate the terms of his feelings. But I just wanted to vent because I feel like such a hindrance to my family for being so messed up and immature.
Not really asking for advice per se but I needed to just type these things out. It feels so unfair to us both.