What do you know, its yet another husband (27) is dissatisfied with his sex life with his wife (27) post! I'm really looking for advice here or if you think I'm an asshole tell me that, either way I just want to make things better.
For some context me and my wife have been together since freshman year of high school and have been married for a little over a year. We don't have any kids yet, just 2 cats. As time goes on, I love and am attracted to her more and more. Outside of the bedroom and general physical intimacy, I could not ask for a better partner to navigate life with. I'm not even sure where to start so I'm just gonna start typing I guess.
House work is very even. We both cook and clean. Some tasks are assigned i.e. I won't do laundry, she never cleans after the cats and that works for us. I don't believe in being rewarded with sex for taking care of our shared space (before anyone mentions that lmao). She has a lot of insecurities with her physical appearance which I don't see or are things I'm actively attracted to. i.e. she has thick thighs and a little bit of belly which I love. Though I understand what I love matters less than what is comfortable for her. Maybe me saying how much I love it is a problem?
I have a very high libido (bordering on a problematic addiction I've been told) and crave physical touch where as she has said while she enjoys intimacy, she could probably go indefinitely without it and more than a minor amount of physical touch is overstimulating to her. I've seen the term "reactionary desire" use to describe this kinda thing i.e. its not a thought that just pops up for her but she can get into that head space if I take her there. I fully respect her boundaries and give her physical space when I notice my touch is not welcome. The problem with this is outside a peck before we leave for work and before bed, I would not get anything else if I didn't seek it out. The overstimulated issue also manifests in conversations where there are times we are talking and she'll hear what I say (she can say it back to me verbatim) but either won't acknowledge I said something or just move on with what she was saying. I'm always a little shocked when this happens as it feels pretty rude but she says she didn't mean to and its an accident. Recently I've started to asking her for hugs. We've talked about this and it hasn't really gotten any better.
We have sex maybe 1-2x a week which for me is bare minimum but for her anymore than that and it becomes duty sex which neither of us have any interest in. Additionally spontaneous sex doesn't really work for her and whenever I tried to initiate she'd shoot it down so I have offered to have conversations in advance to kinda plan when we can have sex. I figured this would also help with her reactive desire. I'm not a huge fan of this but she says it helps her so I am more than willing to do it for her. Despite planning it out i.e. for days she has off from work, she'll spend all day laying on the couch doom scrolling to the point of when I come home, she is unshowered, nauseous and with a headache because she hasn't eaten anything. I don't believe she owes me any amount of sex and I really only want to if there is genuine desire from both of us. And yes, I clearly see that there is a deeper issue there. I offer to talk to her or even help her find a professional to talk to. She says she wants to but will not put the effort to follow through. I'll always offer help but I can't force her to accept it ya know?
I always make sure she's satisfied and has finished at least once. The same effort is not given back. I've tried many things to spice things up thinking maybe that was the issue. She's very open to trying things but its really a one way street. i.e. if I get something to try on her where she doesn't have to put in much effort then she's all for it and says she really enjoyed it after. Though her doing anything for just my pleasure is a rare occurrence despite talking about it and her saying she wants to. I don't know, I guess we're just in this weird place where we have what I believe to be calm, productive conversations only for no changes to happen. It'd be one thing if she said she doesn't want to but it seems like she genuinely means what she is saying in the moment.
Feel free to ask questions. Any advice / substantiated callouts would be greatly appreciated!