i’m only 26 btw. yes we got married young, yes probably not the best idea. i’m bipolar and was young and manic, he was joining the army, when i got married i wasn’t really taking it seriously as my parents divorced pretty easily. i figured he could get a lot more money and didn’t have to live in the barracks, i didn’t really think much would change. we married after 5 or 6 months of dating. our relationship wasn’t really great before that. he had hit me and had shown to have issues with addiction, violent and angry outbursts etc. oh to be young, dumb, and impulsive again
obviously marriage didn’t fix any of that. i tried to leave probably within a year of being married, but every time i tried he would threaten to kill himself. sometimes he would threaten to kill me too. one time he tried to take us both out.
most of our arguments, would be me bringing up an issue (hey i think you should slow down on the drinking) and him yelling and berating me for hours until i ended up apologizing to him, but never got a real apology or admittance of wrong doing on his part.
he once punched my boss’s dad at her wedding.. and shoved me to the ground as they were asking him to leave due to being super intoxicated. yep
for years, he would be contemptuous of me. roll his eyes, berate me, scoff at me for just existing. now i’m not perfect. after dealing with all that for years, i started to fall for a coworker. never interacted with coworker outside of work, never really talked except when we had to for work purposes. but he was so nice, and my husband really wasn’t. i don’t even think he was interested in me at all – pretty sure he has a girlfriend. so i built a fantasy in my head around this guy, and eventually my husband found out as he stalks my internet use and i had posted on limerence subreddits about it. well he flipped his shit as you could expect. threw things, as per usual. i apologized profusely, told him i would spend the rest of my life making it up to him.
the verbal abuse and contempt didn’t seem to improve obviously after this, despite my best efforts. he still acted as an emotional terrorist deploying suicide threats every time i questioned his behavior. many 911 calls were made during this time. i was scared he would kill me.
i had finally confided in my family about what was truly going on, and we had hatched a plan for me to escape – which was hard, given i lived very far from them.
he found out about it, somehow, maybe intuition. and he finally stopped being abusive. and it’s been i think 4 months since the last time he screamed at me. but all i can think is – why now? why not before? why not when i cowered in fear, begged, and cried?
i feel bad that i cant forgive him, despite trying hard. he buys me flowers. he doesn’t yell. he tries to be romantic, takes me on dates… but i just don’t feel it anymore. i love him, i care for him deeply, but i am NOT in love with him. i don’t want to have sex… with him. i still have a high sex drive, and i want sex but again not with him. i think about all of the times he had sex with me when i said no. i think about the time he told me to go fuck myself because i gave him head and i didnt swallow. i think about the time that he told me that not having sex with him was “just as bad” as raping him as he would get blue balls.
don’t know if anyone will read all of that but it felt good getting it out. is this the end?