My husband (36M) and I (35F) have been together for almost 16 years, married for 11, and we have two young children (5 and 2.5). I work a standard corporate job from home while taking care of our younger child, the older one is in daycare and school during the day. I am the primary caregiver. My husband is a first responder who works 24 on/48 off. I love my husband. He’s my best friend, but lately – over the last couple of years, especially – it feels like we’re more friends/partners/roommates than a romantic couple.
I keep a journal of my feelings on my phone, basically I just write down what I’m feeling when I’m feeling down, to get it all out and reflect on it later. It’s something I’ve done since I was a kid, journaling my feelings is how I identify and process them. I read through my past year or so of notes and noticed many recurring issues:
– he does not initiate any intimacy or physical contact
– he does not kiss, hug, or touch me unless prompted
– he does not compliment me, and is often hyper critical of me
– he doesn’t care about spending one on one time with me
– when we have sex, I’m very frequently left feeling like it was just “pity sex” from him, not something he agreed to because he wanted it, or wanted me
– I feel like I’m treated as “mom” and not seen as a woman anymore
Sex almost always goes like this: he knows I’m in the mood and it’s our “day” (because of his schedule and how he likes to do things, we only have the opportunity to have sex every 3rd day), once he realizes I’m going to try to initiate, he’ll take my hand and put it on his dick. After a while of me touching him, he’ll push my head down and I’ll give him a blowjob for a while. Once he’s had enough of that and is basically ready to finish, he wants me to get on top, which I’ll do until he finishes. Sometimes I can get there, but it’s gotten a lot harder lately because of this routine and how it just doesn’t seem like he’s into me. If I don’t finish, I’ll use a vibrator while he ignores me and lays there like a corpse. There is zero kissing, and he only touches me as much as he has to. He won’t try to help me at all if I’m struggling to finish. And immediately afterward, he gets in the shower and expects me to do the same.
Basically, I feel like he’s not attracted to me at all anymore, and doesn’t notice or care. I have brought this up with him multiple times, but he denies it and brushes me off…but nothing changes.
I’ve tried different things to try to get him interested in me again:
– I exercise for about an hour 5x per week, plus running around with the kids
– I’ve gotten new clothes, worn makeup, styled my hair (no response)
– I’ve been affectionate toward him, complimenting him, his looks, his body, I touch and kiss and let him know explicitly that I’m interested in him (he seems indifferent or even annoyed sometimes by this so I’ve also tried to back off and not be so forward)
– I’ve bought lingerie (it gets no reaction from him)
– I’ve tried different toys (restraints, blindfolds, vibrators, etc. but he doesn’t seem into any of it)
I have a history of depression and anxiety (not unlike most people these days, my husband included), but I’m medicated and stable. I’ve always struggled with my self-esteem, and it’s just so rock bottom right now, and at this point I don’t know if this is a “me” problem, a “him” problem, or an “us” problem. I don’t think my husband even thinks there is a problem, despite the things I’ve tried to tell him.
18 comments
You guys need therapy.
Do you feel like you’d be happier alone and single for the rest of your life instead of being with him?
What kind of “best friend” completely ignores your needs? And doesn’t touch you. Or that you can’t share this with and he hasn’t noticed?
My husband is all over me. But at the moment because of family issues and mental health, I’m not in the mood. But at least we can talk about it and plan around it. I will try and make the effort and so will he. To me thats best friends, because you actually tell each other how you feel. X
I cried reading this, its so sad. This looks like a him problem re sex. Therapy needed.
Maybe he really doesn’t have a high libido.
You said he is a first responder. He maybe suffering from stress, depression, anxiety, or maybe even ptsd. I can tell you firsthand it affects the bedroom. Try to open to him about it.
I feel this right now. I can’t tell if my husband is just experiencing low testosterone or if he just isn’t into sex or me. But he is my person and I know he loves me and we enjoy each other’s company so much. We laugh often and have fun together but he doesn’t in any way lust after me. He follows the same process as your husband. Idk, I can’t picture life without him but I’m also struggling with the lack of sex life. He was my first boyfriend so I didn’t even have sexual experience before him.
You are quite detailed about the state of affairs in your marriage. This is not all uncommon. In my own Marriage and family practice I found that at a certain point, often after a number of years, children and work, women need more, more expansion, while men are often on some plateau ( and OK with it). Divorce is really not going to help here. What I have seen working is when the wife/woman develops her interests, such as a women’s group, female contact & validation for emotional connection, in essence dialing down the need for the male/husband to provide emotional support. When the woman finds her balance in that respect, finds her value again, then things tend to settle over time and the family horizon has expanded. Wishing you well!
Honestly, I understand everyone sees marriage as sacred yada yada and yes, you love him and want to work on things but it gets to point.
You communicated, put your words into action and he still doesn’t reciprocate? I don’t think this man loves you. He probably loves you for what you do for him, but he doesn’t love you as his partner or the mother of his children.
Truly it gets to a point. Are you satisfied with this for the rest of your life?? Will you get old with this man and not regret attempting to find someone who will reciprocate the love you’re looking for?
If you won’t regret staying, fine but it’s better to be single and thriving than dealing with this…..The things you married women go through is so sad.
He is not your best friend he is your HUSBAND. He has indeed friend zoned you. Marriage ebbs and flows when both parties are still “all in”. He sounds as if he has checked out. You need to check in, with yourself. TELL HIM with words that you are going to focus on you and your kiddos until he decides he wants to be a WILLING participant all the while he needs to realize that the possible failure of your marriage lies with him. You can’t fight for your marriage alone, you will just exhaust yourself while he gets half assed oral. Remember, there is no one size fits all for a successful marriage and success looks very different in EVERY marriage therefore you guys have to find out what success looks like for you. Good luck.
wow
You’re not crazy for wanting emotional and physical intimacy. What you’re describing is a real unmet need, not a “you” problem.
It sounds like you’re carrying the mental load, emotional load, and physical effort in the relationship. That would exhaust anyone.
Maybe he should go to the Dr and get blood work. They can test testosterone levels. You said he’s depressed, is he on medication? That can affect libido in a big way.
He doesn’t sound like a best friend, you are settling for the very lowest possible best friend status.
If he is not able to fulfill you then you have some hard questions to answer but only after all other measures have been taken.
Don’t stay just because you have children or you don’t feel that you can’t make it in your own. Life is short and for you to be so young and going through this then you have time to flip your life.
I’m sorry you’re going through this but it sounds like a him problem. It seems as though you put a lot of time and effort into changing things and he’s not responding. That’s just not love.
maybe he has a porn addiction surprised I didn’t see anyone comment that, but I feel like this is pretty common signs and the fact that he said he would try to be nicer, but then the second sex got brought into it, he ignored that part or got really defensive. That sounds like a pretty big sign to me. Or you guys just really need counseling, like I highly recommend it. I don’t know why everyone keeps talking about the low libido, but this doesn’t sound like that. It sounds like he’s so inconsiderate of you. The fact that he seems so unattached and not even willing to help you at all.T his is honestly so sad, I could never handle this, so I feel for you.
Honestly it’s really easy to get stuck in a rut when you’re exhausted. Being a first responder can be a heavy emotional and physical toll….I bet he loves you, he’s likely burning out and probably so are you being home all the time.
Can you two get away together for a week?
You need to talk to him. He isn’t a mind reader and can’t guess. Tell him you need to talk to him about your relationship and schedule in a set time. Get someone to babysit the kids if necessary. Then tell him, bluntly but politely, exactly the bullet points you’ve said here. Use “I feel …” Statements so that he can hear the message without feeling attacked, followed by “I need…” statements that tell him clearly and explicitly what you need. (Do open the conversation by letting him know how much you appreciate his hard work providing for the family, and that the areas that need improvement in your relationship don’t negate this. To hear the message, he needs to first hear that he is valued.)
For example, “I feel like you are unattracted to me. I need you to flirt with me daily, buy me flowers now and then, and show me physical affection outside the bedroom daily.”
Or, “I feel like my sexual needs are not being met, which turns me off and makes me feel averse to sex. I need to feel romanced and for my sexual needs to be met for me to want sex.”
You may also want to explore love languages with him (I know the origins of the love language concept aren’t really credible but it has ended up being a helpful tool for figuring out each person’s style of connection and showing love, at least in my marriage).
If he is receptive, that’s a win and you can then start talking more about things in your relationship that need improvement and working on it together. You can approach it as you two together against the problem, working on finding solutions.
If he isn’t receptive to hearing you, that says a lot about how he sees you and will mean you’ve got deeper problems. If that’s the case, I’d recommend both individual and couples counseling, and you’ll need to do some hard reflection about how you will allow yourself to be treated, and what to do about it if you aren’t treated in the ways you decide you will accept for yourself. This will involve deciding at what point you remove yourself from the situation, and is something only you can decide. But if he’s as good a husband as you say, hopefully he will be receptive to you talking to him and it won’t get to that point.
Hope this is helpful.
ETA: As well as all of the above, you need to work on your own self image and self esteem independently of whatever he’s got going on. This requires a certain level of detachment and accepting that his issues are his responsibility, and not letting them affect you. Instead of working on your figure for him, shift the focus so you’re getting healthy to make yourself feel good. Instead of buying lingerie to try to attract him, buy clothing and lingerie that *you* like and feel good in and ignore however he feels about it. To build up your self esteem, you need to de-centre him in your life and make the shift to him being *part of* your life, rather than *the central focus* of your life romantically. It may sound counter-intuitive but it is actually healthy for you to have a certain level of independence and do your own thing. You will start to feel better for it over time, and that is good for your relationship. If he responds poorly to this, it’s another red flag. A green flag is when partners encourage and support each other to pursue their own interests and a certain level of independence.
Has he always ignored your needs, ?? Does he always push your head down until he is ready to get finished with sex. Has he always been unaffectionate. If this is not how he has always been, then there may be something like depression going and its need to be addressed and both of you need to get our your want and needs from relationship without being defensive. If he has laway been like this when it comes to sex and affection, then he is a lover and doesn’t care about your needs and will probably not change a thing.
You’ve sailed into the doldrums of life, it’s hard to keep it interesting once you have children and careers. One thing that has always worked for my wife and I is hitting the gym together, lifting weights builds testosterone. We both tend to be much more passionate after working out together at the gym. It also doesn’t hurt if he sees other guys at the gym checking you out.