Been married 20 years to my wife. 2 teenage kids. She’s incredible, I have always been besotted with her and she loves me back just as much. People joke we’re the perfect couple as we just seem to fit together.
We have traditionally always been sexually compatible. She loves it, she tells me how good it is. I feel selfish if I don't get her off first before me so I generally always do.
But for a few years now we hardly ever have sex. I’m talking once every 4-5 months at best, and typically only after at least a week of persuasion from me and she’s “doing me a favour”. Once we’re done she always says it’s incredible and why don’t we do it more often. It doesn’t make sense to me
I don’t have a massive libido, once every couple of weeks would be fine and don’t think I’m being unreasonable to want more intimacy with the woman I love and find irresistible.
To make matters worse, we've been working out more over the last 6 months and have both toned up really well. She can now fit back into old dresses etc, looks slim and gorgeous. She’s really pleased with herself and I compliment her often on this. But that hasn’t changed anything either, Honestly its torture watching her walk round the bedroom getting dressed but not being able to be intimate.
When I do initiate it goes one of 3 ways: (1) physical signals like touching in bed results in her saying no and we go to sleep (2) verbally trying to build up a feeling throughout the day, flirty comments etc. often she’ll pickup on, promise we’ll get it on later, then we don’t. (3) I directly ask her and try and persuade. This always dies on its feet with accusations of hassling. Happened today, couple of suggestive comments and then a direct offer and I just got an angry comment back about a guilt trip and badgering her.
We have talked about it of course. She usually just says she’s so tired and doesn’t feel like it, or stressed from work. This is fair, we have a busy life. We both work at home so I’ve tried to initiate in the day instead. I’ve booked “meetings” or tried to be spontaneous. I have also tried nights away. None of that has worked either.
There are odd times when she is in the mood, but these are very rare. At these times she literally will want it there & then “before the mood goes”, so whilst this is great it’s always a quickie.
Every other part of our marriage is fantastic and I feel so lucky that – this aside – we’re a solid couple in a world where so many people we know have rough relationships and argue all the time. But we must to solve this one thing.
I do a lot of overnight trips for work. I pride myself on being an honest, faithful guy. I have never played away. Ive always liked being in the company of ladies and prefer taking to them than dudes when I’m away (my wife knows this and is fine with it) but more recently find myself imagining what a one night stand would be like and how easy it would be to make happen. Its just a physical thing, but I hate thinking like that.
Other people I’ve asked for advice just tell me to masturbate more and stop complaining. But I feel like this needs to be solved. I don’t want to sound like an incel but it feels unfair that she won’t do this one thing for me on occasion, especially given that she clearly enjoys it so much too.
Where do we go from here?