M46 here in 20 year relationship. We have had a good life and have great kids (entering teens).
My wife (48) is an amazing person and I really do love her, and know she loves me (she confirms this when I ask and I can tell she is being sincere).
We have a very busy life.
When we were young we were very close and intimate. But our relationship has transformed. My wife rarely wants sex these days, and when I want to disclose something deep about myself, like a worry or struggle, she either gives short practical advice, or often says she is tired of hearing about it, or that I just need to put my head down and get on with it. Her family is very stoic.
She says we don't have many shared interests. It never felt like that when we were young, but maybe that is right now.
There is rarely physical kindness (hello hugs etc) unless I start it, and she jokingly says that is too much.
She is consumed by her work and given a choice will talk only about that. She launches straight into it as soon as we are alone. She will get a little angry if I try to steer the topic away to something else. She will listen to me talk about my work and is really empathetic and helpful, but doesn’t really want to hear about my other interests (which admittedly can be a bit obscure).
She tends to be a little rude and dismissive to me sometimes, especially when very busy at work, and will criticise me in front of the kids who mirror that behavior. She complains alot that I don't do enough around the house, and while I do alot, I accept i could do more.
She says her love language is "service", whereas mine is affection/closeness.
From time to time we confront this, I tell her I need and deserve to be respected and cherished, and she usually says "she has nothing left to give" due to her being consumed in work and the kids. She accepts a deserve the things I am looking for. But there is no resolution.
I feel I come third (kids then work are ahead of me).
This leaves me feeling a bit sad and invalidated and unfulfilled. My dream is for me to be a priority with her, for her to (unprompted) give me a huge and ask me how I am feeling and tell me she loves me.
What do I do from here?
I have thought about divorce, but I don't want to go down that track.
Edit: there is more to this. I wasn't really fair. I have childhood trauma and emotional issues and recently a drug addiction. I am going to NA and working very hard to get sober. So I have legitimately disappointed her and broken her trust.
That said we are both highly functional and professionally successful, I have a stable job and contribute substantially to the family financially (as does my wife).
So I have addiction problems that I am addressing, but I am going out to work every day and setting a positive example for the kids.