My boyfriend (24M) and I (22F) have been together for 4 years, we‘ve been living together for almost 2 years and have a dog together. I’ve been with someone else in the past but this is his first relationship. I’m a private person and don’t know who to talk to about this so I figured talking into the void would help.
When we first started dating, we went through the honeymoon phase where we were having sex regularly with both of us initiating. After the first year of being together though, it slowed down considerably. He’s always been more shy about it though, he‘s never really been interested in quickie sex or oral just for the fun of it. I figured this was normal and that we were busy but we would get back into a routine together and it didn’t really bother me at first but we started going months without even really fooling around. It got to the point where we would start make out and he would pull away and decide to go to bed after a few minutes, which would leave me crying next to him as he slept.
I finally asked him about it and asked if he was still interested in me, if he was asexual, or what was going on. I mentioned that it made me feel undesirable and like a bother when I tried to make that connection with him and he‘d constantly reject me. He said that he had just been under a lot of stress with Uni and would make more of an effort.
After this, we did start having sex more often but only really if I made any advances. He‘ll instigate sex every few months if he’s feeling like it but rarely. He’s very affectionate but it started to feel like I was the only one making an effort to have a good sex life. It‘s gotten to the point where I don’t even bother anymore because it always makes me feel bad.
We have had several conversations about this, he‘s excused it because of issues with his classes, work, body image issues. I’ve told him that I don’t care if he’s asexual, but I would like to know because it affects our relationship and he insists he’s not. I’ve told him that I need him to put more effort into pursuing me because I feel like a freak and he says he will but doesn’t want to feel like he’s just doing it because I asked. I’ve asked if there’s anything I can do that could help and he says that I’m perfect and that he’ll do better.
I‘m so unbelievably tired of having this conversation with him. We never get anywhere productive and it always ends with me apologizing for hurting his feelings.
I am 100% sure he’s not cheating, his schedule is busy and whenever he’s not working he’s spending time with me. He insists he’s not asexual and that he’s attracted to me but it’s really hard to feel that way when he only wants to have sex with me after I make the first move. I don’t know how many more times I can talk this out. He’s asked if this is something that I think will impact us as we continue to date and I love him but it’s making me feel insane. I didn’t think this would be an issue I would have until after we had kids if anything.
Is this worth ending our relationship? Am I being unrealistic to think that having sex even twice a month is worth ending this relationship? I don’t want to have to beg to get laid but he’s my favorite person and my best friend. Am I chasing the 20% when I have the 80% I need? I feel so shallow and like I’m some sex freak. I guess I’m just curious if this is normal for men, what should I do?
TL;DR – My boyfriend won’t initiate sex unless prompted, which makes me feel like he’s not interested. When I‘ve asked if he’s asexual or what he needs to show more effort in our sex life, he gets upset and says he’ll make an attempt. Which normally leads to a week or two of “increased“ effort until he stops.