I have never been the “not jealous” type but I have managed it before, in a healthy way. However with my now boyfriend (30M) I’m finding it so much harder. I’ve never loved anyone this much, he is gorgeous and loving and we are extremely happy. We had a rocky start with a few flings still running their course but this was no more than the first few weeks and he very clearly prioritized me and chose me.
There was one thing the first few months – he was still occasionally texting with an ex colleague he used to have sex with months before he met me and lied about the nature of their past relationship when I asked him, saying they are just friends. When I told him I knew, he showed me the chats and they were harmless – just basic “what are you up to – not much” chats, and some photos of places (where we were together at the time). He said he lied because I would have taken it to be much more serious than it is, that there was never anything there other than sex, he apologized and he hasn’t talked to her since.
I know the above are red flags but other than that he’s the most secure, loving, reassuring boyfriend. He’s given me no reason to be jealous since then, he always holds his phone in a way of saying “look, I’m not texting any women” (not that I ask him to), him and his friends always invite me out with them, we have great communication, great sex, he looks at me like i’m the only girl in the world. We live together and talk about the future, we share hobbies and dreams and passions.
And still sometimes I feel this intense jealousy arise when I see him watch an ex’s story online, when he mentions anything about past relationships, I get this retroactive jealousy. I feel insecure, I compare myself to women I know he’s gone out with before we met, even if he tells me I’m the most beautiful woman to him and how happy he is.
I am constantly thinking that he’ll just realize out of the blue he actually wants someone else more, that he’ll meet someone better looking and want them more, that I’m not enough, that he’s better than me and he’ll realize it. This may not be relevant but I’ve always received attention from men and I wouldn’t say I struggle with low self esteem. I’m only saying that because it’s the obvious reason for the above but he’s said it himself that “he never thought he’d get a girl like me.”, and yet I feel like everyone else he crosses paths with is better.
I get all this reassurance and I’m still insecure and jealous and I don’t like myself like this. Which makes me react poorly, treat him unfairly and I feel like shit afterward. I read about it and try to overcome it but how do you deal with these feelings? I don’t want them to ruin me or my relationship.
TL;DR : I am jealous and insecure and I’m worried it’ll ruin my relationship.