I (F50) have 4 kids (F25, F22, M19 and F18). My father passed 3 years ago and he was kind of the glue that held our family together. I have 2 sisters (47 and 41) who are close with each other. I've never really been close to either of them.
Back story on my family dynamics. There's a fairly significant age gap between my kids and their cousins. They have a 19-year-old (F) cousin and the next oldest is 14 (going down to 5) They aren't close to this cousin since we only really see my sisters and their families 2 -4 times a year. I have never gotten along with the middle sister (47) and have always felt like I had to pretend to be someone else around her and the rest of my family. She will shame me and tell me I'm wrong every chance she gets. This has made family gatherings hard on me for years.
After my father's death, my third child (M19) came out as transgender. He has changed his name and uses he/him pronouns. At around the same time, my oldest (F25) daughter's partner came out as transgender as well. Also, within the same time period my second daughter came out as gay. (It was a big year, lol). The Christmas after all these changes happened Christmas was interesting. I felt as if my family was completely ignored by my family at the event. My partner picked up on it as well and he's often clueless about things like that. My family also seemed to attempt to not use my kid's name or pronouns by ignoring him. At every family gathering since they have not used his correct name or pronouns and my sister has insinuated that she's not really comfortable talking about it with her kids.
The Easter after the first Christmas, I asked if there were any plans and was told no by my sisters about a month before. Then, Easter weekend, my daughter was home unexpectedly from university and called her grandma to see about popping by for a visit. To my surprise, my mother was at my sister's house with both my sisters, and they were celebrating Easter together. No one had said a thing to me. This hurt me more than I care to admit. They totally have the right to celebrate how they like but after Christmas it felt like we were intentionally being left out. All family events after this have been strained. I've never said anything to them.
My youngest sister (F41) has little kids (6 and 10) and tends to want to host some sort of Christmas event at her house, so she doesn't have to transport the kids. This year she's decided on Christmas day. My family tends to do Christmas morning at noon because my oldest no longer lives with us, so we'd have to change those plans to head to my sisters for the afternoon. We're already spending Christmas eve with my mother. If family gatherings were enjoyable and I didn't need to hear my child misnamed and misgendered and basically ignored I might consider going to my sister's, but I guess I've reached a place in my life where I don't really want to put myself or my kids through this.
Unfortunately, my mother is already pulling the "even if everyone can't come, you have to" and "it's Christmas", "what else would you be doing?" bullshit over the day.
I'm planning on simply saying "this year, I've decided to prioritize mine and my kid's mental health and we're going to stay home Christmas Day" I anticipate they will then demand an explanation to that.
Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this better? My family isn't attending. That's not up for debate. I'm not good with confrontation at the best of times and my mental health hasn't been the best this year.
TL:DR: Pushy family who treats my diverse family like outsiders at family events insists we attend family events when the choose to invite us and my mother doesn't take no for an answer. I need to protect my mental health and my children's mental health. Need advice on a way to tell them we aren't coming without stirring up conflict.