My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) have been together for 3 years. He invited me to spend a week in Chicago with his family for Thanksgiving. We’re based in Seattle, and I’ve met his parents twice—once last Thanksgiving and once when they visited us for a long weekend. I’ve always been polite and respectful with them, but we’re not particularly close.
After we booked flights, requested PTO, and were about two weeks out from the trip, my boyfriend told his parents we’d be visiting. That’s when his mom got upset. She told him he was being inconsiderate because his dad’s chronic leukemia had recently gotten worse, and she didn’t feel she could host us for a full week. This was the first time my boyfriend had heard that his dad’s health had declined—his parents hadn’t shared any of that with him.
Given their reaction (and since we can’t afford a full week in Chicago hotels), my boyfriend shortened the visit to three days. He also said he’d only spend about a day and a half at his parents’ place so I wouldn’t be left alone in the city for long.
For context: his relationship with his parents is complicated. He experienced emotional and physical abuse growing up, and although he sees them occasionally, things are strained.
When we arrived in Chicago, I asked if he still planned to go see them on Friday, but he delayed it until Sunday because his mom had been passive-aggressive ever since he told them he couldn’t stay for the full three days. He basically avoided going home because he knew it was going to be tense.
On Sunday, his mom picked him up from the train station and immediately mentioned that they had another houseguest staying with them—someone distantly connected through extended family—because they “owed him a favor.” They’d been cooking for this guest and making him feel at home. My boyfriend understandably felt like this was a deliberate move to exclude me.
During dinner, he tried to tell them about some of the things we’d been doing in the city to lighten the mood, and his parents shut him down, saying they didn’t want to hear it. He felt uncomfortable and ended up leaving early.
On the drive back to the train station, his dad basically compared him to a neighbor’s son who quit his job and moved home to care for his father during a health crisis. Then he told my boyfriend to break up with me because “we argue too much,” that they “don’t like me,” and that he needs to choose between staying with me in Seattle or coming home to be with them.
I’ve mentioned many times that he doesn’t need to share every argument we have with his parents, but I guess he did anyway, and now I feel like they have a really skewed view of our relationship. We’ve recently moved in together and have just been navigating normal stuff—dividing chores, getting used to each other’s routines, etc. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re not what his parents seem to think.
I’m unsure how to move forward from this. I want to be supportive given his dad’s health, but I’m also struggling with feeling excluded and uncertain about how future holidays or visits should look. What would be the best way for my boyfriend and I to set boundaries and navigate his family dynamics without damaging our relationship?
TL;DR: My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) planned to spend a week with his parents for Thanksgiving, but after we booked flights, his mom said they couldn’t host us because his dad’s leukemia had worsened—something they never told him. We shortened the trip, but when he finally visited them, they were cold, had another houseguest staying with them, shut down his attempts at conversation, and his dad told him to break up with me, saying they don’t like me and he should move back home. My boyfriend grew up with abuse, so his relationship with them is already strained. Now I’m unsure how we handle future visits or holidays and whether we can navigate this as a couple when his parents clearly don’t want me involved.
19 comments
I think your boyfriend accidentally got the truth there when he was being compared to the neighbor’s kid. They’re looking at insane health care costs and want him to drop all obligations including you to care for dad.
I’m so sorry the leukemia is worse. For the increasingly desperate situation they will find themselves in. It seems they see their best way forward as your partner giving up his life, including you. They don’t seem to consider what he wants at all and they’d rather manipulate him.
Sounds like there’s not much you can do here.
Your boyfriend needs to be making difficult decisions. Be as supportive and honest as possible with him. But while his parents have forced this situation, he needs to decide what happens next.
His parents seem like assholes who want to control him.
Hopefully your BF has a shiny spine.
I’m a bit confused. You flew all the way there, spent three days in the area, but only saw them on the last day? I understand they have a strained and complicated relationship, but that is odd and to them, probably, a slap in the face. They wanted to see their son; they’re dealing with a health crisis. He decides he can’t spend an entire week, then goes there and doesn’t see them for two days, and then dips.
I’m not defending them and I don’t know their relationship. But his actions seem rude and inconsiderate. They wanted to spend Thanksgiving with their son, saw him for an afternoon, and didn’t even get to see him on the holiday. Did he even check on his sick father? He now knows the father’s condition is deteriorating. It seems like they wanted him to act like he cared. He may not care and that’s fine. But with his actions he’s making choices now about how he plans to deal with his parents going forward. And how he plans to handle his father’s sickness. Moving back home isn’t the only option. But talking with him and spending time and showing interest/care are all possible. And he chose none of those.
It’s his decision, and there really isn’t anything for you to do about it, except to say you won’t think less of him if he goes low to no contact with his parents.
But I don’t think it’s likely he’s going to give up you, his home, his friends, and his job to take care of people who abused him as a child and treat him rudely as an adult. If he does choose to move back, he will certainly end up miserable.
I do think, going forward, you should plan to have nothing to do with his parents. Allow him to deal with them as he needs to. Certainly don’t invite them to visit you.
Do you even want to be part of this family? I’d break up- its hard to understand when you aren’t married how tied to your partners family you become. They are actively mean to you and meaning to exclude you, and your boyfriend doesn’t really seem like he’s willing to stand up for you. Do you want to be fighting his parents for the rest of your life?? My advice: get out now.
Are you satisfied with the prospect of spending the best years of your youth dealing with these horrible people? He hasn’t figured out that he needs to go NC? What’s he getting from them?
I have a rule. If anyone gives me a choice like this, I always pick the person who didn’t put me in that decision. If you make me pick, I will not pick you.
A couple thoughts:
Your boyfriend shouldn’t be telling his parents about your arguments, period. If that doesn’t stop it’d be a dealbreaker for me.
He shouldn’t have made arrangements and then told his parents when he’d be there. He should have talked to them first to find out if it was a convenient time.
So your boyfriend’s emotionally-abusive parents spent the holidays emotionally-abusing him.
They are trying to separate him from you *purely* so they can get him back under their control. This has nothing to do with you: they’d behave this way regardless of who he dated. They don’t dislike you, they dislike that he has an important person in his life that’s keeping him from being their chew-toy.
How does *he* want to handle his parents going forward?
If your boyfriend doesn’t cut these people off (which he should—they sound awful) then you have a tough decision to make. Do you really want to marry into this family? If you want kids, do you really want them to have a relationship with these horrible people?
The choice isn’t between you or them. The choice is between him being under their control or him having a life free from them and far from them where they have no control. You’re just the stand-in. So don’t take it personally, when possible.
You don’t have to set boundaries with them. He does because they are his family.
His parents sound awful. Given the situation, I’m surprised he considered going there for a week to begin with. For yourself, I think you just plan on having very little to zero to do with them. I suggest the same for BF too really. He owes them nothing.
You have a boyfriend problem.
–He shares your personal information — arguments between the two of you
–He did not check ahead of making plans if this would be a good time for both of you to visit (making you travel to where you weren’t welcome and wasting your vacation days)
–He does not stand up for you. Seems to be okay with his parents telling him to dump you in Seattle and move back “home”. The fact that he actually told you that is weird, like he was asking you permission to do it.
His parents don’t like you and where do you think they got information about you to make that judgement.
The best part about not living with them is that you never have to go over there. You don’t have to attend every argument or holiday you’re invited to, particularly when you’re talking about Seattle to Chicago! At some point he is going to have to make a decision on whether he’s going to continue catering to them to keep whatever peace this is considered to be, or he’s going to set up and enforce some boundaries as an independant man with his own life.
I don’t know how long you see yourself with him, but can you see the two of you trying to navigate this stupidity somewhere in the future, with a couple of kids, or professional careers, or any number of other adult concerns that don’t need two fully grown adult children pulling rank, playing games with you, and making you (as a couple) their little narcissist’s toys? What happens when they want to move in with you to save money, be with the son/grandkids more, so you can care for them in their end days? I don’t know where you are in thinking about the future with him but regardless…he is going to have to be the one calling the shots. They’re *his* parents. He’s got some thinking to do and decisions to make, unless you’re willing to just keep on going along for the ride until…*whenever*.
His parents sound like narcissists, and I sympathize with your boyfriend. Is he in therapy? It seems like he should be.
You’re in a difficult spot. If he were my friend, I’d be telling him to cut off his parents. To forget about trying to forge a relationship with them, that it’s not worth it. It’s hard for you to suggest that.
I would suggest therapy, and evaluate whether this man and relationship are worth the patience it will require.
Does his dad really have leukemia, or is it a way to manipulate him to move back to Chicago?
I’m lost in the beginning about how he planned for you guys to stay there for a week but didn’t talk to them until two weeks before (despite doing activities like buying flights and taking PTO, all while relying on hosting that wasn’t even requested). Then mad that someone else was hosted, who presumably arranged much earlier in advance. Idk the rest is long but it doesn’t sound like your bf has done much to support his dad in his illness either.
Sounds like that cycle of abuse has started again. I’d tell your boyfriend to make his choice and if he chooses you to stop talking to them about any issue in the relationship unless it’s as grave as they think it sounds.