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The last woman I dated had a very similar lifestyle to me, but extremely different values. We worked well for a while because our lives had been parallel for about a year before we started dating. Meaning, we spent our time the same way, basically. Same hobbies, both very career-driven and upper middle class incomes, both very tidy, both into fitness. We did grow up very differently though – me in a working class family in a rough neighborhood in a very liberal area, her in a big house on a golf course in a very conservative area. Ultimately the difference in values split us up, and in hindsight, I was actually pretty disgusted by her opinions on some things and I’ll never again date someone with that stark of a values difference.
Current GF and I seem to have extremely similar values, but fairly different lifestyles. She’s a bit messy, she has a job that pays the bills but definitely on the lower end of middle class, she’s not into fitness, not really into music the way I am. Some of these differences I worry about – mostly the messy vs tidy thing. IDK how well we’d get along if we lived together. But mostly it’s been entertaining to watch us take on elements of each others’ lives. Her love of classic films has been getting me into watching old movies and really loving it. I showed her my favorite movie this weekend, and she pointed out this huge symbolic element I’ve totally missed during my dozens of prior viewings. She’s getting into going out dancing with me as well. Because our values are so similar, she sees the same magic I see in the social dancing community and it’s a space I could see her thriving in. I also love her house – it’s humble, but it’s so unique and matches her well. It’s obvious she was very thoughtful during the buying process, and rather than listen to what society wanted for her, she listened to what she wanted for herself, and I admire that a lot. It’s also basically the stereotypical Pittsburgh house, perched precariously on a cliff and I just love that it feels so genuine. I love my condo, it’s got a balcony with an incredible view, but it lacks that feeling of place. This condo could be anywhere, it just happens to be here. Her house is so distinctly *here* that it’d feel out of place literally anywhere else.
If nothing else, this relationship has taught me what to look for in a partner. I think the matching values is the main contributing factor into why I’m finding myself falling for her.
Just came across a profile that was looking for LTR only, additional text box said “dating intentionally” and their first prompt said “I only check this app every 3 weeks or so, sorry if I don’t reply very quickly!” š
Really think I turned a corner today in terms of my break up.
Last week I spent the week knowing I was sliding into a depression hole. Self care dropped off completely, I was ignoring texts from almost all of my friends, and I barely got out of bed except to go to work. Everything just felt hard – not only because of the relationship ending but also because my dad had a stroke six weeks ago and itās dredged up a lot of stuff from my childhood and the abuse I suffered from him.
Had therapy today (Iāve been going weekly since my dadās stroke) and she encouraged me to text my friends and just tell them I was struggling. So I did, sent them a text letting them know mentally I was in a dark place, and asking if any of them were free to hang out this week as a distraction, not to talk about any of my shit.
I was really scared to send it, not just because I was afraid they were angry at me for ignoring them, but because if they were all too busy to meet up soon it would compound my loneliness even more. And yet they were all so kind. Thanked me for reaching out and letting them know I was struggling. Immediately suggesting days over the next two weeks they were free to hang out.
I think just the reminder of the amazing people I have in my life and their love for me helped heal a tiny piece of my broken heart. He didnāt give me what I deserve but they do. Iām so grateful to have them in my life.
I was on my way to the supermarket today and it was this man with a stroller with a baby in it,a toddler and two dogs passing on the street and it made me look at them while they were passing.Ā
And I was thinking what a happy household and what a happy woman might be at home with such a family.Ā
And then I looked at one car and it was this guy who was looking at them too and he was smiling as well.Ā
Beautiful sight that was.Ā
The line in the song 2 Beers In by Free Throw, when he says “Fuck everything about this!”. I want that sound bite for most of existence haha.
Extremely thankful to the Amazon delivery guy who brought my 100+ lb package to my door. Usually they leave heavy packages on the lobby floor.
Makes me wish I could call my imaginary boyfriend to help me move heavy things. Man I wish I wasnāt single anymore. I realize I need buff friends or I need to get stronger. Speaking of, my arms and legs feel like jello. I worked out yesterday because i knew i needed toā¦ no one to rely on for stuff like this anymore
Shit. This is probably obvious but it just occurred to me that hinge is almost certainly figuring out people’s race/ethnicity from their photos and then using that to recommend matches.
Which means… because I don’t have hair and don’t look “stereotypically” any specific race… I’m probably not ending up in ANYONE’s standouts or within the number of free likes they would get per day.
In some ways I feel doomed, in other ways *maybe* if this is true then it’s not that I’m hideously ugly but literally am getting screwed over by the algorithm?
(Still doesn’t explain why I get zero interest irl though š)
Edit: Ok guys. So it’s not this. Honestly I was just trying to make myself feel better by finding another explanation for the lack of interest besides my alopecia.
I went to my first dance showcase yesterday that my studio hosts. After my performance one of the followers I’m fairly close with came up me, congradulated me and gave me a small kiss on the cheek. Even if it was presumably of a plantonic nature, it was nice and I was not expecting it.
Feel like maybe I (36M) have been playing things a bit too safe? I have lots of acquaintances that I find attractive and whose company I enjoy. I run into a lot of the same folks at shows, coffee shops, maybe we follow each other on instagram. I could see things developing with them, but if they don’t show obvious interest I usually don’t pursue. Is this the wrong idea?
Ok so there is a date setup for Wednesday. Today is Tuesday… im very nervous. 1 because he could ghost or 2 because he could be a psycho. Ive been chatting with him and he seems normal enough. That was my attempt at vetting, usually psychos cant keep a normal convo going very long. He suggested food/drinks and then a walk on the headland so we are off to an okay start. He did mention he doesnt have a well paying job so im not sure if he will pay or what but hopefully he can afford to be dating rn. My expectations are low.
There is another guy who wants to take me out as well. I dont think we would really get along but I might just go on a date and see. He suggested 10 pin which I think is funny because when I was 17 a boyfriend took me 10pin bowling and I beat him and he got very pissy. š¤£ 20 years later let’s see how those men behave.
Other than that I was talking to a guy who put he lives near me on his profile, but he was never here then he said he works on the opposite side of the country. He even said “I wouldnt say i live near you” then last night when he was lamenting how we didnt meet up while he was here for 1 day I said “well I assumed your profile was accurate” and he said “I do live there”. Nah im not being gaslit by someone I never even met.
I’m turning 40 in 4 months, so I guess I’ll have to be heading over to r/datingoverforty soon. Not that I think things will go any better than the previous twenty haha.
I am sick and tired of reasoning myself out of asking somebody interesting out.
Context: we met a couple times at a mutual friend’s parties and had a couple brief exchanges.
Nothing to write home about, but she seems straightforward, she’s cute, and has a good head on her shoulders. Overall very attractive.
Now I’ve been questioning for weeks whether if the brevity of the exchanges means we just don’t click, asking her out is a bad idea, it won’t work, yada yada, the works.
Except this is a pattern that has been repeating over and over (and over) through the years, scaring myself out of any funny ideas.
It sucks and it hasn’t gotten better, so this time I want to forcibly break through it.
I still need to get her number, so the current plan is to meet our mutual friend, see what she thinks and… work from there I guess?
I am so out of my depth I could very well be in outer space… Suggestions tips and whatnot would be incredibly welcome if anybody has been in the same situation.
After ending a toxic marriage of 7 years + 2 years of recovering and getting on my own two feet, I feel ready to date again, but I don’t know how or where to start. I tried bumble but everyone seems WAY out of my tax bracket for where I live, so I quit the app.
Plus I’m generally iffy about dating apps. I want my next relationship to begin organically as possible, but I feel like with everyone using dating apps I don’t have much of a choice??
Where do I start?
Well, even my sister tells me she wouldn’t want to teach a guy how to relationship again if she broke up with her current partner. I guess I really am kind of screwed relationship wise working and not having the time to socialise enough throughout my twenties.
The commenter earlier today who talked about matching lifestyles vs. values made me think about how it seems that my guy and I actually are pretty matched on both fronts. Itās still early on so plenty of time for bad shit to happen lol butā¦after three decades of being single maybe Iāve finally found my needle in a haystack?? Wild tbh
How long do we let someone give the “tired” “busy” “[something else]” excuse before we move on? They say they’re interested, don’t want me to give up on them, etc. We’ve met up 4 times now, and I’m attracted to them, but frankly, I’m getting bored with not being prioritized.
Anyone who plans first dates, how do you normally choose date location when you don’t know the area?
Recently expanded my Hinge to see single people in a 50 mile radius, and just got my first affirmative for a date request in the town near the edge of that area. Ended up picking a random coffee shop in the area that looked fine on google, but wanted to know if anyone else has a better system to find a good location.
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I swiped a bit more and I am so annoyed.Ā
Like either there is no bio or so little OR
“Fluent in sarcasm / PhD in sarcasm” “good vibes only” “chill guy”. Wow so original.
I want to put in my bio “not fluent in sarcasm / not here for good vibes only / not chill”. The truth is that I once saw a guy’s bio similar to this and it fully resonated.Ā
It’s completely random, but I listened today a bit more on BPD, and also on schizophrenia. Apparently it occurs to around 1 in 100 people. So I kind of hate it that many people just try to pretend that they are so positive “good vibes only”. Like why do we need to create such a society where everyone who is going through any kind of challenges feels so completely isolated and as a failure. Like where this idea to pretend that all is perfect is coming from. Uff. Life sucks and it’s beautiful. It can be one sentence at the same time.Ā
Same with relationships. Most of relationships suck. It’s a blessing to be single compared to be stuck in many abusive relationships. I mean it’s amazing to find a great partner. But even if it doesn’t happen we are still better off than ending in some BS nightmare we have to endure coz the society puts this pressure and belief that something is off if one is single or that we are trauma bonded and it’s impossible to leave and nobody around can understand it.Ā
Oh I realized something. The two guys who made me feel somehow uncomfortable on dates and made me feel self-conscious had 1 thing in common: DRY HUMOUR.Ā
I mean that’s what they told they had. Maybe I was not smart enough to even understand where they were joking but they literally almost never smiled, or laughed at my jokes (which I guess for them were not sophisticated enough?). I guess it’s probably difference in personalities. I mean I am not “chill” in many areas of life, but on a date why are you so pressed and serious and acting in such not approachable manner. Even uptight, snobbish.. It really hit me they gave a bit of similar vibes.Ā
(I don’t even know if it was in any way related to dry humor, it’s only that they themselves characterized so…)
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When meeting people in person, how appropriate is it to bring up my two biggest potential sources of incompatibility up pretty quick? I’m an atheist and childfree and, as I live in a red state, that tends to filter out a lot of potential partners. More importantly, it weeds out anyone that thinks they can change my mind on either topic – and I assure you, dear Redditors, they cannot.
Is that too aggressive? Or am I saving us both time at the cost of seeming maybe a little blunt?
32M here ā it feels like in 30s the unspoken rules of texting feel so different…? it feels like reaching out for anything other than a specific reason or motive is received as expressing interest in a way that removes the mystery and can kill attraction.
advice welcome. personal insights welcome. i’m a capable conversationalist but cant remember the last time i had an exciting text interaction
We had a great date last week. He stopped by a few days later and we ended up having a make out session. The connection is good and we talk everyday. He seems really into me and mentioned a second date on the first one but hasn’t set anything up yet. Is he actually interested? It’s throwing me a bit off that he hasn’t made a plan for it yet or asked.
I may be a complete wreck after a breakup, but the one thing I’m good at is maintaining no contact. But a huge part of me is just waiting/hoping/praying for a text from him. I wonder how long that hope will last, because it’s breaking my heart. He clearly was done with me, so why would he reach out? I guess I’m wishing for some sort of apology for how he treated me the last two months of our relationship. He rarely apologized for any of his wrongdoings, so so it’ll never happen. I just miss him so much, despite everything.
Not much dating related, I just want to get my thoughts out. You all are my cyber safe place since the day I join this thread and I’m always grateful for that.
I spend time thinking about how my future life looks like than how I expect from the current relationship. A few months in with a guy I’m seeing, the first time in my life, I want to take things slow. My ADHD brain constantly sought for quick dopamine in previous relationships, sometimes, too fast too furious; in this relationship, my brain feels calmer and slower with this connection. How could it be? I honestly don’t know. One thing I’m sure that my anxious is shifting to something mature, stable, and secure. I know my values, I see who I truly am.
My uncle passed away week ago, predictably, I was in sadness still. He treated people around me poorly, no one liked him, his funeral was desolate and unbearably lonely. In our family, after his death, we reminisced good old days with him for a few solely moments. That said, I was raised and born in the family that we couldn’t hold our anger or resentment towards someone too long. Eveything comes and goes. Everyone comes and goes. The moment we don’t see them anymore, we eventually memorize the good things or good impressions about them. All anger, resentment, misunderstanding, frustration are gone in the blink of an eye.
Too pity that I still feel under the weather emotionally and physically and I am unable to join Friendsgiving this week. There is nothing to miss, I meet my friends frequently enough – that’s the treasure. A little bit pity because I am not going to meet my new bf’s friends this time ~
Rant: please pay more attention to conversations over text and especially in person! I have a bad memory so I even took notes about one person that I liked (before he ghosted me haha).
OLD: I was having good exchanges with this person, but he then forgets things we already chatted about (mistaking names of bands or forgetting I told him I never traveled to a specific place). I know weāre all tired, but it doesnāt hurt to take 5 min and re-read some of the exchanges (especially if itās a new match). A quick scroll would be nice. Also there was a nice guy who I got the ick from because he would repeat the same things he said over text when we met in person and then send through text again.
His response after I asked āwhat are we?ā: āI didnāt think we were anything. I thought we were just having fun.ā
You all warned me, but I needed to hear it from the source I guess.
I decided to shoot my shot and ask the guy Iāve been seeing to get together last minute this evening. He declined for good reasons, but asked when Iām returning from family holiday time and brought up doing something this weekend.
Mission failed successfully?
I always feel much more secure when the next date is on the calendar well ahead of time. Now I can feel warm and fuzzy (and impatient) about seeing him this weekend instead of anxiously wondering what the deal is. I will miss him over the next handful of days š„° and at least we now have a photo of us together for me to look at and feel adorable about!
After yesterdayās post Iāve concluded it IS doomed but thatās alright.
Someone asked for updates, though I’m not sure I have anything to note- I am still in limbo, I look and feel like hell, and I desperately want to move to the next stage of my life. I just can’t yet. No haircut, no therapy. Still working on it.
Iāve thinking a lot lately about the balance between being realistic and not settling. Iāve met a man that checks most of my major boxes – we have great chemistry, heās physically fit, he has a fantastic career, heās fine with me not working if we were married, we have a similar sex drive, he doesnāt want or expect me to have kids since he already has two, and we are politically aligned. Basically everything I said I needed from a man. But all things considered heās still not my DREAM guy, and I canāt help but wonder if thereās better out there. Iāve only told one friend about him so far, and they said that they think I can have everything I want, but this is someone who loves me and is biased towards me. I am a romantic but also a pragmatist, and from a practical perspective this match would make sense. I know Iām getting ahead of myself as things are very early stages, but itās just something thatās been on my mind.
Despite being okay and comfortable in my singleness 85% of the time, when the longing of that 15% to have a companion hits, it really brings me down. I find myself in a woe is me, why am I not enough mood for a couple of days. When I finally accepted that maybe now is just not my time, I was actually okay with it. Iām decently happy with lifeās circumstances and content with where Iām at. My options are severely limited as I live in a rural town. So no hobby classes or random shindigs to attend. Everything requires travel of at least 80 miles one way. Sigh. Itās a 15% kinda day.