My best friend (35M) and I (34F) started having benefits a few months ago, neither of us has other sexual partners. We are just busy with life in general and wanted to fulfill each other’s sexual desires. We don’t live in the same city so it also takes some planning to spend time together in private.
The sex is good, but he has more than once pointed out that I am too matter of fact when I initiate… We do a lot of other things together, like seeing exhibitions, playing games, watching movies, talking about work. And I’d just straight up ask him abruptly after an innocent topic ends, “hey do you want to fuck?” There is no “getting him in the mood” phase. He has no problem getting in it, he has never turned down sex, but I guess he desires some, coaxing… some convincing, despite him needing none.
It’s not that I don’t like to set the scene or tease him, I just don’t really know what to do or say.
What I think “typically” works for men, he doesn’t really care for. Like I would offer to put on sexy lingerie, saying suggestive things (quite out of character for me so he seldom catches it), saying I’m happy to swallow if he’d like that, or… yeah I am out of ideas already. To these, he always just says, “your body your choice, do whatever you want.”
What I do know turns him on is when I am completely not trying. When I just wear normal clothing, like a worn out baggy t-shirt and pajama shorts. When I am brushing my teeth, when I sit a certain way. Or sometimes when we are out I wear what I think is a totally innocent Tee, he’d tell me when private afterwards that he thought my breasts look extremely squeezable in the top and he’s been fighting back urges in public. He always says as if I must know that was hot and that I was hot, but I literally don’t. I don’t feel sexy at all in those scenarios. It seems like he sees my sex appeal completely different than what I imagine it would be.
Man, I am really stuck. How am I supposed to try to entice him without trying while I am making an effort to get him in the mood? and without feeling sexy myself (like making an effort to dress up)?
And to add on top of that, he says that me telling him my desires is really hot, but, I desire for him to go feral for me. I desire for him to want me so badly that he can’t resist those urges. But obviously he can resist, obviously he’s not that crazy about it that he couldn’t control himself, so my desire is—to be able to make him lose his mind, which in turn then I get what I want.
I would say the one time that really got him crazy was close to the beginning of the arrangement, when I was having second thoughts about us having sex. I said I think it was a bad idea, I liked our friendship and I worried it’d change. I was denying all sexual contacts, saying “if this activity together is gonna turn you on we are not doing it.” He lost his mind. He could not keep his hands to himself and every hug goodbye becomes an opportunity to feel me up (with consent).
But like, my whole point is I want sex. Denying sex in order to get better sex? I don’t think I can control myself with manufactured withholding.
Any tips? Any men out there like him who get turned on by the most mundane things?
Thanks all!