I don’t know where to start, but i am at a fork in the road here! To begin with, i am not the best person, i have flaws and i have done terrible things and mistakes.
Me and SO came together when i was 17 she was 18 and now I’m 28
Last year we got married (which has a compete different topic to it, but I’ll try to keep it light and short)
Since we were together, I have tried my best to ensure i become the best for her, and our relationship was an ideal for many around us, we used to have our fair share of arguments and troubles but who doesnt?
For the first year there was no physical relationship (we were kids, but i was friebds with group of 20+ age , who made it seem sex is just too important, there were 2 guys in tje group who were 24 and earning and we used to party and all, so i was exposed to womanising, which appealed to me, as it’s so cool is what i thought)
So as a result of which I started to look at women with malice intent (not that i would act on it, but it was exciting to fantasise about)
After 2 years of my relationship we were having sex and by 3rd year it started being a lot of it as i rented a room in sharing expenses with one of my friends
During this time, i wanted to try a lot of things, all explicit, BJs, anal and what not! However initially it was difficult to even ask but when i did, it wasn’t okay with her, which is fine!
In about 4th year or so, in my college, i was introduced to a gay dating app, which is basically guys looking for guys only for sexual gratification, so my interested weighed there, as i could get a BJ.
So i even ended up meeting a couple of guys, and i didn’t like it.
And on the other hand, i was trying to woo one of her friends to get down to business with me. Nothing happened, but there were conversations!
However, later by 6th year, i had started a small setup, so there i rented an office place, and we were practically living together there, me and SO.
At this point in time, it started to feel vanilla with her. But i didn’t want to say anything, as it was already rejected first!
And in 7th year we got engaged, as i still loved ber and was doing good financially, so just thought its okay.
So, it started to go a little downhill from there in my heart, as i started to look at her differently,
Then i started floating the idea of separation here snd there, she didnt take it seriously much, or we would have fights, and shed be like, i cant ever let you go, youre stuck with me!
So somehow, either i couldn’t have the balls to make a firm decision or she wouldn’t just let go and it kept on going for 3 more years, where talks about marriage started being too much, i was pushing it, as i was sure i don’t want to get married, but she did, she made sure my father knows that she’s okay getting married, whereas i was fighting with my father to not do it right now! So when she said to my dad, that she wants to have the wedding, i lost it and caved!
I married unhappily!
For the past year, i have been in a spiral, as i do love her and she loves me incessantly, but for some reason i don’t like the sex that we have!
And i opened up about everything to her yesterday, half of which i have told her already in our time
So, first , basically we’re separating because i don’t like the sex , but it seems I’m too small and shallow! That I’m ready to throw a decade long relationship because of sex
Please help me channel my emotions and thoughts!