This is just my way of sort of… logging all the insanity that has gone on in the last year.
A year ago, we lost one of our cats, my baby girl. She was such a constant presence, always sleeping at the foot of our bed along with her big, super clingy brother, always keeping me company when I worked from home, and always perpetually feisty and demanding. I still can't look at pictures of her, or her little teddy, or the paw print pressing we got the day we had to put her down.
It hurt, but when my wife surprised me in the most annoying/ adorable way that we were finally going to have a baby, I was willing to focus on the positives. Then, we lost the baby. We felt haunted in our old home and lost the baby in the process of trying to buy our first home ever. So, we put our energy into that and got a great place.
We moved in, settled in, and focused on rebuilding more permanently. We were in the process of making our new house a proper home. Then, my wife suddenly had a medical incident that resulted in me slapping her repeatedly to get her to regain consciousness, which barely worked, and rushing her to the hospital in an ambulance.
A couple month's later, she's started getting back to normal. We decide it's time we finally splurge and plan a dream anniversary getaway since we hadn't been able to properly celebrate in years. I book a fancy resort with a fireplace and hot tub, plan out an itinerary, and the two of us are getting absolutely stoked to finally go on vacation like we used to. However…
Just a few weeks ago, I ruined her planned surprise to tell me she's pregnant again. We decide to save for the baby instead of a dream vacation because, well… we want to be responsible parents. I've also been speaking to my therapist about how my fear of another miscarriage, fear for my wife's well being, has been a SERIOUS block to my excitement at finally becoming a father. It's still a work in progress…
Random side note, but I recalled in my therapy session how my abusive ex had secretly recorded footage of me. So there's also a newly, or rediscovered, fear that she may still have such footage. Kind of wish that bit had stayed forgotten though…
I'm concerned about my wife though, since she refuses to speak to anyone. Last time, we didn't tell anyone about the miscarriage until well after. We suffered alone and in silence, because my wife didn't want to tell anyone. It drove me nuts and I KNOW it messed her up to. Her doctors even think that weird medical emergency was somehow associated with her lack of coping with the miscarriage.
But she insists we keep things quiet even more now, though I disagree. It is what it is. I'll stick speak to my therapist and at least my parents know, even though she has refrained from telling her mom… which I think is a mistake.
Anyway, on top of that overall productive therapy session at the beginning of this week, our upstairs toilet suddenly sprung a leak which I have been trying to fix since…. Thursday. Today was actually supposed to be the anniversary of our first date. We were planning to go for brunch, then a book fair, the museum, and end the evening together playing one of our favorite video games. I had even gone out and gotten a nice bottle of non-alcoholic bubbly for my wife to enjoy. Instead, I spent the day dripping wet from toilet water (thankfully from the tank at least), going back and forth to Home Depot for various parts because, just when I think I've fixed it, I find another issue, and desperately trying not to let this thing become the straw that broke the camel's back. Of course, the toilet still isn't fixed and I've instead just shut it off for the night. I refuse to have a repeat of last night where I wake up at 3 AM to a pool of water in our rec room.
Meanwhile, my wife and I are currently sleeping separately because I can't stand the new mattress topper ( too soft for my liking and hurts in the morning), but my wife is now uncomfortable on the mattress topper we previously both loved (it's now too firm for her). I miss sleeping next to her, but it's been hurting at least one of our backs when we've attempted to these last few nights. So, this might be our new reality for a while until we can find a nice middle ground for a new mattress since, truthfully, our current one needs replacing.
Anyway, rant over. It's kind of messy, I go back and forth a bit… but life is messy… and so is trying to fix a stupid toilet that the previous homeowners apparently never installed right in the first place like some many OTHER things they did half-assed, so… yeah, think I need something stronger than non-alcoholic bubbly these days… a hug wouldn't go amiss either.
This coming week, we find out if our baby is actually healthy. If it is, that will erase all the heartache and struggles we've endured lately. If it isn't… I don't know how I'll be able to cope.