I (28f) can't seem to stop criticizing my partners. It's a constant across my relationships and it wrecks my relationships.
So to start off, I've had 16 years of therapy and I'm going back into therapy again because I'm desperate to fix this. Also know that we are both autistic, diagnosed.
I'm currently in a relationship with the man of my dreams. I litterally could not wish for a better partner. He's reliable, kind, intelligent, we share a lot of values, he's active in household and does emotional labor. Yet, I'm noticing that I'm doing "the thing" again. I'm constantly pointing out little things that frustrate me. Examples; he wears headphones a lot to combat overstimulation, which means I'll end up phoning him after calling 6 times. Or when he's walking upstairs, stamp footing around to the point I get pissed off (stamp footing has a medical reason, we found out recently). Or when the his dog keeps pacing around the living room and her nails on the floor drive me insane, I'll ask him to put her to rest (she doesn't really listen to me, due to her very old age, I've accepted that it's too late to assert myself). Or that he's left without breakfast/lunch, knowing he'll collapse in exhaustion later. Or that he's over exerting himself on one day, leading to me having to run the house for the next 4 days because he needs recovery (both chronically ill, so that backlash is our normal). Or the dog coming in all wet from the rain just after I cleaned the floor. He can't help that ofcourse, i get that.
And I don't want to complain all the time, and most of the complaints seem to just be circumstances outside of our control. But if I don't vent them out, I become a raging mess.
He on his side is telling me he's starting to feel like my emotional punching bag. He feels like he needs to withdraw more and more from me (which increases the load on me, which increases my nagging) because all the nagging is hurtful. He stated last night that he wants me to be able to communicate, and tell me everything, but that he's also feeling like he's walking on eggshells.
I'm more than willing to hear uncomfortable truths and do whatever work necessary to fix this dynamic, and we know it takes two to tango and there's some over-sensitivity on his side. Internet strangers, what's your insights on how to better this?