No, this is not a post about divorce… at least I'm hoping it's not. But I need advice as to how to proceed. I still love him, but we have little ones I need to think about, and I don't want to ever be the person in a terrible situation, that refuses to get out. So here's the situation:
After 16 years of marriage, and a total of 20 years together, my [40F] husband [42M] has decided he wants a divorce because he "doesn't love me" anymore, I've "lost my spark," we "argue too much," …. No, these things were not said in anger. They were said after many months of emotional neglect and radio-silence; when prior to hanging up the phone I said "I love you," and he couldn't say it back. I asked him yet again expecting him to deny an issue like he'd done so many other times, except this time he didn't. The words hit me like cold water and we both stood there in shock just staring at each other. After a few moments, I simply told him that I would not beg anyone to stay with me and love me. That I deserve better. Then I turned around and walked away.
In the last week since he told me, I've gone through the spectrum of numbness, heartbreak so painful it physically hurts, anxiety, anger, disbelief, and depression. I cannot correlate the person I fell in love with, my first boyfriend/love of my life/ husband, to the person before me now telling me all of these hurtful things and so callously walking away from the life we've built together.
I meant my marriage vows: "I'll love you 'till the day I die." This meant to me that even when things were far from perfect: when we argued, when all I got from him were crumbs of attention, when he'd shut down and refuse to communicate, when all he could see in me were my flaws, when he'd take me for granted, when he treated me with disdain; I was in it for the long run. I wanted to keep fighting for our marriage and I was not ready to give up on him. I pictured us growing old together and somehow weathering the different seasons of life, coming out unscathed.
We have 3 children together. Ages 10, 4, and 1.5 yo. My heart breaks for them. I love them with all my heart. They are my world. All I've ever wanted is to protect them. But I can't protect them from this.
3 days after the initial conversation, he was keeping his distance and diving into work. We had not had a follow up conversation about the implications of what he'd told me. I knew it was up to me to approach him, so I did. I asked him why, and he tried to make it sound like he was doing me a favor because I am unhappy. I told him he was projecting, and that he should have the courage to say what he actually means: he's unhappy. He accused me of judging his emotions and intentions. He went on to describe a scenario where we'd still live together for the sake of the children and he'd continue to pay for mortgage/bills. I told him if he did this, I was done. I was not willing to be in a limbo. Either we're married, or we're not. And if we are not, I am not going to live with him. I will figure out a way to support myself without him, and we don't have to deal with each other, other than for the sake of the children. He said, "okay."
So I focused on a plan for a future without him. Spoke to my employer about working more hours, spoke to his parents to let them know what was going on, spoke to my family to let them know why I'd need more support in caring for the kids while I work more. In the middle of my heartache and anxiety, having a plan helped me feel better. I wanted to start packing up my stuff, but realized we needed to tell the kids what was going on so they would know why I've been so sad, and why I'm packing. So I sent him a message letting him know why the kids needed to know. He did not reply for 3 days, even though I kept asking him to.
Over the weekend, I realized that if the kids did not find out about what is happening by Saturday night, we'd have to wait an entire week to tell them anything, since Sunday is a school night and I wanted to make sure they'd have ample time to process everything. I texted my husband again, and he begrudgingly said we could talk to them that night. I thought I would break down and cry when we told them, but as I watched my husband say the words "your mom and I are getting a divorce," and my kids eyes dart to me for reassurance…then as I nodded, I could see the reality sinking in, and then they began to cry inconsolably. As I watched my husband cuddling them and trying to console them, I was PISSED. How dare he hurt us this way, and then turn around and try to be a source of comfort?! How dare he destroy their hearts, their childhood, their innocence, their faith in love, their future relationships? All because he doesn't love me anymore? He's bored? What kind of a reason is that?! What happened to our vows? That's not what marriage is. Marriage means you make it work despite how you might feel. Because marriage is a conscious choice that you make every single day to continue to love the person you chose for the rest of your life, despite your feelings.
Over the next few days, our oldest asked lots of questions. Often I'd say I didn't know and that she should ask her dad. Some I answered in front of him as best as I could. From reading expert advise, I know not to talk bad about him to the kids, and to keep things as generic as possible. One of the questions was, "isn't a vow a promise?" Why are you breaking your promise. I told her that I had not broken my vow. That I still love her dad and that if I could do anything to make this be different, I would. He heard that answer. Later on, he told me "we need to figure out….." I cut him off and told him there is no we because he's decided to give up on us. He looked like I'd slapped him across the face, but he did not get defensive or angry. He didn't respond.
A few days later, after not speaking to each other for about 3 more days, he sent me a message saying he wanted to sit down and talk. He invited me to brunch. He told me that he'd heard what I'd told our oldest and wanted to know if I really did want to try to make it work. I told him that if he didn't love me there was nothing to work with. He said that he didn't exactly mean it. I told him he really needed to figure out what he meant because he had broken my heart, our children were traumatized, and I was already making plans to move on without him. He asked me what the plans were, and I asked why he cared. He said he does care and he'd rather go hungry, than watch the kids and I struggle. He looked like he meant it. I believed it for a bit, but then slipped into his habit of telling me how hard I am to live with, how difficult I am to love, and how he already knows how I'm going to react. I pointed out that I had not once attacked his character the entire conversation, and yet he felt the need to tear me down. I told him that if he truly wanted to make it work, it would be a long road ahead and would require intensive therapy: individual, couples, family, and also individual for the kids. I told him to really think it over and let me know how he wanted to proceed.
Its now been a week since the kids found out. The oldest still has lots of questions. Some of them I don't have an answer to, since I don't totally understand what is going on in my husband's head. He told me earlier he wants to have another talk after the kids go to bed. I don't know what to expect.
So what do you think about my predicament? Is continuing to fight for this relationship the right thing to do? Any and all advice is appreciated. Thank you for reading.