I’m not confused about whether something feels off. I’m trying to understand what my situation means, what it’s doing to me long-term, and whether staying is still the healthiest choice. My partner and I both love our 2.5-year-old daughter deeply, and that makes these questions even harder.
I’ve been with my partner for about 4 years, and lately I’ve realized I don’t feel like an equal partner anymore. I feel like the emotional parent in the relationship. I’m the one who regulates, stabilizes, and softens everything. When she’s stressed or overwhelmed, which is like 80% of the time, her emotional state becomes the gravitational center of our home. When I bring up practical concerns (finances, routines, parenting, household issues), she often hears it as a personal attack. The conversation shifts to her feeling inadequate, and I end up comforting her while the actual problem gets lost.
Over time, this dynamic has made me feel like my needs barely exist in the moment. I walk on eggshells to avoid setting off stress or defensiveness. I’ve become quieter, more cautious, and less like myself.
Some ways this shows up:
• We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore. She sleeps with our daughter, and her absence feels symbolic of the emotional distance between us.
• She goes out drinking with friends once or twice a week. It’s not new behavior, but now that we’re parents, I’ve stepped back from that lifestyle. I’m a social person too, but I’ve chosen to be home more. I don’t resent that choice. I resent that I feel alone in making it.
• Once when she came home wasted I mentioned it made me uncomfortable and her response was essentially “sorry I just have a better social life than you.” She doesn’t seem to realize how much that hurts, especially because my social life changed because I wanted to be present for our daughter.
• I’m a musician and play shows with my band. She always attends, and I appreciate that, but she tends to spend the night with her friends and usually shows up drunk once I’m already on stage. It feels like she’s physically there but not actually with me.
• She recently organized an art show, and for almost two months our house became her studio. Canvases and supplies everywhere. She also relied on me to buy materials and build frames. I want to support her creativity. But when I’m already carrying the emotional load, it amplifies the imbalance.
Finances have added another layer. I cover most of the household expenses. She gives me six hundred dollars a month, which is about twenty-five percent of her paycheck. Meanwhile I’m spending more than my entire paycheck just to keep everything running. I’ve paid off her credit card three separate times, and each time it’s been maxed out again.
I told her I can’t keep doing that unless we join finances and make a plan together. But when it’s time to actually sit down and budget, she doesn’t want to be involved. She checks out, and I’m left carrying the entire financial burden by myself. It makes me feel taken for granted and emotionally alone.
The hardest part is that we’ve tried therapy. After each session, things improve for about five days. She’s kinder, more engaged, more aware of my emotional reality. Then the old patterns return. I don’t know if she can’t sustain it or if she doesn’t fully understand the impact of her reactions. I don’t think she’s malicious at all. I think she’s overwhelmed too. But regardless of the cause, the outcome is the same: nothing changes long-term.
Yesterday I was close to a complete breakdown from work and financial stress. Even in that state, I still helped her finish building frames because she needed them done. She snapped at me while we were working, as if I was the reason it wasn’t finished earlier. Later she thanked me. I believe the gratitude was real. But the moment where I needed empathy had already passed.
I sometimes fantasize about having a partner who treats me like a teammate. Someone who makes space for my needs without me having to fight for it. Someone who comes to me gently when she needs support instead of reacting with frustration or defensiveness the moment things fall out of the groove. Someone who sees me, not just what I provide.
I don’t want to compare my partner to an idealized fantasy. But imagining a relationship where care goes both ways has made me realize how one-sided things feel now.
I care about my partner. I care about my daughter. I don’t want to leave out of frustration. But I’m scared that staying like this is slowly draining the parts of me that make me a good father and a stable person.
I’m trying to understand whether this dynamic is something we can truly repair or whether the healthiest choice is to step away before I lose myself completely.
I’d really appreciate advice on how to move forward in a healthy way. I’m struggling to understand how to express my needs without triggering defensiveness, and how to evaluate whether this dynamic can realistically change. What would be a constructive next step for someone in my position? Should I cut my losses and break up? I feel deeply torn and I want to make the right decision for myself and for my daughter.
TLDR:
I’m a 37-year-old dad carrying most of the emotional and financial weight in my relationship with my partner. We both love our daughter, but I feel like the emotional parent to my partner too. She reacts defensively to stress, avoids financial planning, drinks often, and leaves me to handle everything alone. Therapy improvements only last about five days at a time. I’m exhausted and starting to fantasize about being with someone who treats me like a teammate. I’m trying to understand whether this relationship can truly change or whether staying is slowly breaking me down.