My boyfriend (20) and I (21) have been together for 7 months, living together, and from my side the relationship feels good overall. But we have a big issue with our sex life. We haven’t had sex in almost 3 months.
At the beginning we were having sex about 4 times a week. Things started slowing down during my exam period because I was extremely stressed and sometimes turned him down, which I explained to him. After that I went on vacation, and when I came back and tried to initiate, he turned me down a little. We talked about it and he said that because I had rejected him before, his desire kind of faded. He also said sex just isn’t a priority for him right now because he’s stressed (he’s in the process of starting a company).
In another conversation he also mentioned that he didn’t feel very drawn to the sex because it always felt the same. Same positions, same routine. I agree with that, but a big reason for that is that I’m not very experienced sexually and I’ve also had a traumatic experience in the past where I was kind of forced into sex. So I’ve always needed more time and safety.
On top of that, I gained weight pretty quickly in the relationship, which I’m currently working on. It still hurt to hear that he doesn’t really feel attracted to me sexually right now, but I also have to admit that lately I don’t feel very sexually attracted to him either.
I want this relationship to work, and I don’t think we’re going to break up because of this, but a lot of people say that missing sex can cause a breakup eventually. He also told me that he wants to talk to a professional someday because whenever I try to initiate now, he gets so in his head and feels too much pressure, so it just doesn’t work. Since that conversation I haven’t initiated anything because I don’t want to pressure him.
Last week he might have tried to initiate at 4 in the morning but I’m honestly not sure if it even counted as a real attempt. It was the worst 4-second dirty talk I’ve ever heard in my life, so I don’t know what that was supposed to be.
Now I feel unsure.
Should I try more? Or completely back off until he clearly says he’s ready?
What should I even be doing in bed to make things better, especially since he rarely suggests anything?
I’d appreciate advice from people who’ve been in similar situations or from couples who managed to fix this.
TL;DR:
Together 7 months, sex has dropped to zero for almost 3 months. Started because of stress and rejection on both sides. He says sex felt too repetitive and he isn’t very attracted right now. I have trauma and little experience, plus gained weight. He wants therapy eventually because he feels pressure and shuts down. I don’t know whether to initiate or wait, and I’m scared the relationship could suffer without sex.
Edit: Thanks for the replies so far. Just to clarify: even though the relationship is still fairly new, everything else between us works really well. I’m not looking to break up. I just want advice on how to fix this part of our relationship, not end it.