My (40) husband and myself (34) have been together for well over a decade – we have three children together as well. When we got together, we played video games together and honestly, I still encourage him to play but not as many hours as he puts in. During the week I have to be into work at 7:30, and then I don't get home until the evening (usually sometime between 6:30-9) depending on the work volume for the day. I get paid very well to do this. He also works for the same company but doesn't have to be in until 11/12 everyday and he stays up until about 30 minutes before it's time for everyone to be done.
90% of the time, when he gets home – he goes straight to turning his computer on. Which is fine until I finally try to sleep around 11:30/12 and he's still clacking away on his keyboard or talking to people in the corner of our bedroom. It's not always an issue, but by the end of the week I am absolutely exhausted with doing whatever needs to be done at work and then still managing the household chores that I can slip in after work. Note that when he doesn't play on his computer, he is literally glued to his phone. So much that I am ignored in almost all conversations or I have to repeat myself after I ask "did you hear me?" And IDK how he doesn't, it's not like I'm yelling – but if I'm doing something on my phone and hear someone trying to talk with me I either stop what I'm doing or say "hold on a sec."
He's never been great with personal hygiene, but when he worked a strenuous job he did shower almost everyday. Now it's become a guessing game on what day he might have showered last unless I keep up with it. It's gotten to the point that when he showers, I know that I might actually "get lucky" tonight. But then after we've done our thing, he usually is glued to his computer or phone for several hours after I finally go to sleep. It never really bothered me until recently when I started to notice our children mimicking the same hygiene patterns. I take a shower before I get the kids and myself ready for school and work everyday, but they notice that he's not showering – therefore, it must not really be that important to do everyday, right? (And I get it doesn't have to be everyday – hell I'm fine with everyone else going 2-3 days if they are still clean and this includes my husband since we only have sex after he showers the same night anyways)
Since he goes in a lot later, I asked him to start doing some dishes, laundry, or ANYTHING to take some of the basic needs of the house off my plate – but it's always very short lived (will comply with rotating out the laundry ONE time or doing the dishes ONCE which he has maybe done less than 10 times in the past 5 years). But the problem with that is, his mom watches our children after school – and now she's staying with us for the winter – so she does a lot of stuff around the house that needs to be done, so as of a month ago – he has had no "need" to do anything. I still feel obligated to try and continue the laundry since we have 6 people worth of clothes to dirty/clean. I have NOT been doing his laundry until it piles up all over his side of the bedroom to the point that I cannot function in there. Although, I've told him repeatedly to just put in the hamper with everything else and it'll get pushed through with the other laundry – but here we are. He doesn't care if brings 4 loads of clothes to the laundry all at once which is absolutely baffling.
I have a long list of stuff that I have to take responsibility for because I have zero support other than my MIL for completing tasks. I constantly worry about money because we changed jobs and he most definitely took a huge payout to get a schedule that was more similar to mine in a much healthier work environment. So with working 70ish hours a week, maintaining the house, doing what I can with the kids after I get home or on the weekends – I just need some help.
Earlier this year, I picked up a second job on the weekends because I was tired of worrying about groceries or whatever but he took offense to that because I was "never home." I'd FaceTime the kiddos to check in on the periodically and to actually see them while they're at home. He made such a fuss about me not being there and saying that him and the kids missed me that I decided to quit. My full time job eventually gave me a hefty raise, but with a lot more responsibility. At first, I thought that it truly was because the kids and my husband missed me. But then I've started realize that if I'm home on the weekends he gets to play video games or do whatever he wants to do completely uninterrupted. At least, that's what it seems like because that's all he wants to do unless I make plans to take our kids somewhere. And again, the planning falls on me.
I know this is a super long post, but I needed to vent. There's so much more that I need to include but just know that he is not physically or verbally abusive and when I can get time with him, he is fun to be around. But I am at my breaking point and have been for quite some time. I don't have any options as far as leaving. I'm estranged from both of my parents for different reasons. I made a burn account to make this post just to be sure it doesn't blow back up on my since my husband is on reddit (but I doubt he's in this sub, if I'm being honest).