I 36F, feel like my bf 30M, is using ny trauma and triggers against me.

TL;DR – bf 30m pattern of abuse?

We've known each other for 7 years but only been together for 5 years as a couple.

He (30M) knows all of the trauma and triggers from my past relationships and abuse as a kid.

I'll give you some background information before I start.

I've been on antidepressants for over 20 years and a mixture of medication to keep my head somewhere normal. I've had suicide attempts but not since we became a couple. He got me through the rough breakup of my last relationship and for that I cannot thank him enough, but, he knows all of my triggers and I'm starting to see a pattern of behaviour.

Honestly, we are like two sides of the same coin, two lost broken souls that found each other when everything was so stark and bleak. He has his issues and I have mine but I love him wholeheartedly even with all our issues.

A few months ago I started to see a pattern of behaviour emerge, he lovebombs the shit out of me then expects sex or sex acts. If I say no he pulls all affection and kindness away and just ignores me, like i dont exist. He'll go home and leave me on read for days on end, sometimes into weeks. I'll send messages asking how he is and if he wants to do something, I get no response. He also has depression and has suicidal ideation so I worry alot that if I say no or reject his advances that he'll do something stupid and it'll be my fault. He has told me before in the heat of the moment, that he'll leave a suicide note blaming me and I'm terrified that actually go through with it. This is a massive trigger for me because my best friend killed herself and noone seen it coming, least of all me. To this day I still look at old texts to see if I missed something.

Sometimes we are just texting casually throughout the day, just chatting about everything and nothing and he'll suddenly want to sext and sends me photos of his dick. He'll know I'm somewhere I can't but persistently tries to push the boundaries. Example, I was visiting my gramps and this man is wanting me to send nudes, and get him off. If I tell him no he acts like I'm this frigid witch that has insulted his manhood. He will freeze me out and not reply to me or not answer his phone for days until I cave and apologise and give him sex in one way or another.

I'm not crazy, am I?

Recently, I haven't heard from him in over a week, he isnt even reading my messages anymore. I have tried every way I possibly can to contact him. I had to use my last resort today. I phoned his sister and asked her to check on him and let me know hes okay. It turns out hes perfectly fine, just doesn't want to talk to me in any form.

What should I do?

What do I do?

I feel stuck.