TLDR: My husband [41m] and I [33f] seem completely unable to communicate anymore more. What else can I try? Or do I just accept we're no longer compatible?
I feel like hes repeatedly missing the point and asking for black and white instruction. I get frustrated repeating myself and explaining that feelings dont come with instructions and its not fair to make me set all the rules.
For background, weve been together 8 years, married 4. Our physical intimacy took a hit 6 months in when he cheated. I forgave him yesrs ago but the intimacy never recovered. Our emotional intimacy, in my opinion anyway, has been falling away over the last couple of years. I think in large part because I got tired of feeling like the only one putting in effort.
Ive added an example of a recent conversation before…what can I do to try and get us communicating constructively again?
I dont want our marriage to end but I also cant continue like this.
………………..
Husband: I want to reinforce and clarify this message, as I am still there.
Recently we had a huge blow up.
I don't know what I did (the straw that broke the camel's back) that made it happen. I asked you a lot and you told me the reason was you were exhausted, exasperated, at the limit of your endurance. I understand that's a horrible place to be and I'm so sorry that I put you there. From those answers, I cannot really understand what I did to make you feel that way.
At one point I tried to clarify that it seemed slow progress on therapy appointments was a major issue for you that I had misunderstood as just one "part" – but I think you rejected that.
I said that my previous understanding was that you were happy I was making progress in my own way and you didn't want to interfere in my process. I can't reconcile that with the "failing for years" understanding I got from you in the blow up.
I get that you want to increase our intimacy and connection. Because I don't understand what I did wrong, or any conditions that you would consider adequate progress, I don't know whether I will suddenly trigger another blow up. Because of that, I am struggling to be vulnerable with you. Because of that, I continue to feel quite distant.
Can you help me understand what I did or didn't do?
Wife: You persistently chose not to address the issues that you identified as the root cause for our lack of intimacy.
You let me beat myself against rocks, exhaust and humiliate myself, trying to make a difference but didnt do the thing you knew would actually make a difference.
Then you became emotionally volatile and attributed that to the same underlying issue. And still didnt try to address it.
You worked out what the problem was and did nothing until earlier this year. You left me on my own, trying, even though it was a waste. Through your inaction, you showed me that I was not important enough to you to effect change and resolve the issues.
And that you were willing to let me give until I have nothing left while not doing the same.
It has taken me getting to breaking point for you to hear this
And you are still saying you dont understand
Husband: OK, so it's the lack of intimacy and the slowness to address that?
Wife: And the betrayal and abandonment and taking me for granted
Husband: OK, it's the lack of intimacy, slowness to address that, betrayal (can you help me understand this?) and taking you for granted
Wife: The betrayal is not choosing us. Not acting in our best interest. Letting me make an idiot of myself and waste so much energy. My husband shouldn't me someone who causes me embarrassment and shows me through their (in)action that I'm not worth their effort.
Wife: I see
Husband: So what was the "straw" that made it blow up?
Wife: Have you heard the cliche "if the wanted to, they would"?
It was walking in and seeing evidence that you didnt want to and I was still stood there letting you show me im worthless anyway that broke
Husband: Ok
I appreciate you sharing your feelings. I'm sorry.
I'm looking for a way to gain some safety in our relationship
I haven't looked at porn since we clarified thats not ok. Is that good?
Wife: Yes, thats good
Husband: And I'm doing all the things I set out in my plan
And I am highlighting to you where I'm struggling to find confidence in what you're thinking and what's OK, and explaining why it's a blocker. Is that good? Bad? Other?
Wife: Yes, good
Wife: I dont think that I can offer safety and honesty at the same time.
I dont yet feel confident enough that you're going to follow through and resolve this this time to be willing to let me guard down and reinvest. Youve had false starts before now.
Emotionally I am in limbo. Mentally I gave myself a year in March – I won't let myself stay unhappy for longer than a full year. So do I want this to work and for us to rebuild, 100% yes. Am I willing to remove myself if, after a year, I am still unhappy and hopeless, sadly also yes.
Will I make any decisions before then? No, not unless you make it categorically clear that you won't effect changes.
I dont know if that is helpful or unhelpful clarity…its the best I can offer right now
Husband: I recognise the threat
Right now, I'm asking about how to avoid a blow up
Wife: I'm not sharing it to be threatening. Im sharing it to explain that I cant give a sense of safety I dont have
Husband: I get it
But I'm asking about how to avoid a blow up
Wife: I dont know the answer to that. I cant give specific instructions on how to do that…what I do know will make the most positive impact is you showing up through your actions
Husband: Things to avoid to avoid a blow up
- saying that I'm ashamed / weak / worthless etc
- not following through on the things I said I'd do
- anything around porn or other women
- backing out of conversations / locking up