I’m 21M and I have been struggling with my life since I was 13 due to depression, anxiety, rejection, loneliness, isolation and failing in my career. I don’t have much going for me right now. And I’m slowly losing hope and the will to live and keep going.
Please tell me any of your stories if you have drastically changed your life in your 30s.
41 comments
Stopped caring what other people thought about me and radically focused on being honest and responsible. It changed absolutely everything.
I was a drug addicted alcoholic. In my late 20s/ early 30s I cleaned up and went back to college. Ended up graduating with honors and got a great job. It’s never too late!
I changed my life’s direction in my early 30s by quitting my shitty retail job and joining a trade union.
I started eating better and exercising to be able to keep up w the job’s physical demands, which are admittedly fairly light in the world of trade work.
Still, I now feel better about my body, my job, I belong to a brotherhood, and my confidence is way higher. I’m six years in; my worst days in the trades pale in comparison to a normal day in retail.
There’s no simple trick.
It turns out that the stuff people say that sounds stupid and corny when you’re young and jaded and depressed actually does make a huge difference. Keeping your body healthy, being friendly and outgoing, applying yourself at least a little bit at work/school.
I decided I wanted to and was worth the effort.
Before then I didn’t care.
Counselling. Utterly turned my life around and the gym. Fuck I’m on top so hard right now. 🔥 quit smoking for 15 years all drugs repaired all my relationships have a gf and am happy inside and out.
Completely turned around my health at 30 after a decade of slow decay due to depression, anxiety, and shitty work/life balance. The key is not to focus on the goal, just the next right thing, then the next, then the next. No one climbs a long flight of stairs in one leap. If anything is daunting, break it down into smaller and smaller steps, keep your head down and start marching.
Get up. Shower. Put on clean clothes. Take some garbage from room to garbage can. Eat breakfast. Have coffee. Put on workout clothes. Get to gym. Do one set. Then another. Then another. Eat protein. This is how ALL progress is made. Don’t let the distance from your goal stop you from stepping at all.
Got diagnosed with adhd and medicated. Absolute 180, turns out I’m smart and highly productive with the right brain chemistry.
Around the age of 30 I gave up on being an architect to pursue adjacent fields that take less of my time and pay me significantly more.
Sure the work is less interesting and more monotonous but the extra time and money have allowed me to pursue interests outside of work that I previously didn’t have time or money to do, which has made me a generally more pleasant person.
The funny part is that since leaving the world of traditional architecture, I ended up actually getting my license.
I had unplanned kids and then had no choice
Don’t worry about what others think. Don’t take no for an answer if you haven’t given it max effort yet. Be kind without letting others take advantage, this applies for every situation in life.
Stop pissing away money on drugs and alcohol. Find enjoyment’s in things around you and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Live for yourself and your happiness
the short version is boredom.
You eventually just get bored of being fat, sick, and anxious and start living life. What’s the worst thing that can happen, you die? How does that compare to how you’re currently living?
I went and got tested for ADHD, started medication, and suddenly a whole lot of things from the past made sense.
Well, you got about 5 or 6 more years of fucking it up… Don’t take a life, don’t make a life, don’t die, don’t go to jail, don’t end up in the hospital ( unless you become a healthcare professional).
Everything else is achievable with some school, or training, some discipline (yes, you are absolutely capable), and some luck (we all need a little bit).
I didn’t fuck IP my 20s per se, but I spent it on a career path that was not for me, I changed all that and in my 30s did pretty well.
Cut out booze and weed, at least mostly. Also getting married made things more worthwhile
I’m not in my 30s but, just know I support you in your struggle. We live in a time where social expectations are arguably at the highest they’ve ever been, so don’t feel disheartened just because someone, or society at large, tells you you’re not enough.
The only thing that matters is what you want out of life, friend.
Extremely hard workouts that got the dopamine flowing.
16 I was homeless, too much booze, no social skills.
30 I had a mortgage and was trying for kids, had dream job.
40+ lost dream job, reinvented myself in a new industry after 17 years in my old one. 2 kids, wife.
The only thing I can definitively say is that at every stage it never felt like the end. It always felt like “OK, let’s try again tomorrow ”
I always knew I would die young and violently. I always knew id be single and poor. I dreamt of a family and kids, I wanted it so badly, but I put it out of my head because it was never going to happen. So I just did a day at a time and focused on doing good
But then it did out of sheer luck, and pessimism so far gone it looped back round into optimism of a kind
Therapy. Journaling. Opening up to friends about it. Also just recognizing that those things you mentioned alone won’t kill you. You can feel fear about rejection and still move forward with your intended actions and you won’t die. Worst comes to worst, you can handle it. I know that’s easy enough to understand logically, but understanding it emotionally takes more time. You gotta speak to that emotional side in the emotional language. That means doing, trying, failing, and doing again. And noting as much as possible that yeah, it didn’t kill you. You’ve got this. It does get better, just keep going.
You don’t, just get older and stop giving a fuck. Enjoy.
Here’s what I did:
1. I forced myself to be analytical about the things I did to contribute to my unhappiness. How I spent my money, what I was willing to accept in relationships, and if I was really just going through the motions. I had to pull myself out of the victim mentality and stop blaming others for where I was in life. Sure, some of it was entirely justified, but blaming others is worse than an addition. It becomes a habit.
That was the hard part, not going to lie. Because it means reprogramming a lot in your life, including creating the needed discipline to get up early, put energy into your job and life, get on a exercise routine, and ask the question, “Hey, would I date me?”
Lots of people don’t have the courage or will to that.
2) I gave myself a limited set of goals. I thought about what I wanted most in life, and then narrowed those down to an achievable few. Then I thought about how to reach those in concrete, easily-manageable steps.
3) I made myself accountable. I kept a day timer and wrote down what I needed to do that day. If I had a bill to pay, I wrote it down. If I needed to exercise, I wrote it down. And I tried not to go to bed until everything on my list was crossed off.
4) I came to understand that time is sacred. Yes, I could sit down and watch a game on TV. Yes, I had weekends where I vegged out. But I didn’t make a habit of those. I figured out how to do more with time I had available to me. I think what people in their twenties don’t realize is that they have vast oceans of free time without even realizing it–even if they work a 40-hour week. If your automatic reflex is to turn on the television or fire up the laptop when you get home, you don’t realize what incredible time sucks those things are. Yet there are people to meet, books to read, fun to be had rather than be mesmerized by the flicker of a video screen.
5) Your life isn’t a collection of disassociated events. Instead, it’s steady and accumulated results of your habits. What you do and what you don’t do. If you don’t make a habit out of managing your money, you’ll always be broke. If you don’t make a habit of reaching out to nurture old friendships and making new ones, you wind up lonely. If you don’t make a habit of being curious about the world outside the four walls of your living space, you become isolated. And on and on and on. The more you create a bias towards habit and action, the happier you become.
6) I finally came to understand that courage is the foundation of all happiness. Take the trip. Ask the girl out. Try something new. Take on the job you’re not totally sure you can pull off. Those who try wind up enjoying life a lot more than those who never take the risk.
So there you go.
Perpetual fuck up in my 20s. Realistically once I had to pay for rent on my own rather than with a roommate I realized I was getting fucked over real bad by myself.
Had a heart event that found I had heart failure and didn’t have active insurance cause with sht tier job. Very scary.
An opportunity came up to work insurance claims and I took it and got lucky. Now am adjuster and had another opportunity to take half a year off and figure myself out because of what I was getting paid.
Back as an adjuster and for me at least money seemed to be the root of my fuck ups. Once I started getting paid I started realizing I have to get better
Therapy. Gave up alcohol. Found religion. Loved myself. Worked out. Ate healthy. Got in great shape. Getting better every day.
Got a second job, started a business, did a master’s degree, paid off my student loans, quit drinking, started aggressively saving, got married, and moved back to my home country all between 28 and 32. I went from semi-nomadic drunk foreigner screwing and partying in Asia to pretty successful.
Should have the mortgage paid off be able to retire at 50 and 55, respectively. Coach my kid’s team. Job isn’t too stressful. Trying to have a second kid. 30s were great and 40s have been even better so far.
I went from being homeless and addicted to drugs to going back to college and getting my act cleaned up. A lot of it was just changing my mentality from externalizing blame for my circumstances to accepting responsibility for the effects of my own actions. It sounds corny.. but as soon as I stopped blaming other people and just said yeah.. this sucks, so I am going to change it, everything kind of fell into place. I worked on myself. Stopped talking shit about myself. Stopped hurting myself and focused on becoming healthy, dropping drugs and really assessing where my money was going and how to get out of poverty.
I moved away amd set aggressive goals.
I was homeless from 14 until I could sign a lease at 18 and then did the bare minimum to survive. I met a girl, we got married and had a kid by the time I was 21. That put my ass in gear and we moved away from my life and settled about 4 hours away. There I got a job and grinded way at work while my wife went to college 2 days a week about an hour away. She only did 2 days because we couldn’t afford child care and gas for more days.
When she graduated and started working we were 25 and after taking two years of us both working amd trying to get ahead (we didn’t)I went to college at 27 and finished at 29 as an accountant. I worked 60 hours a week, drove an hour or more each way, and took 21 credit hours 4 semesters a year to get it done. I would not have done any of that had I stayed in the place I grew up. I would have been content working 20 hours a week and making just enough to pay my rent and playing play station.
Started going to therapy, which led me to being more mindful about my thoughts and actions. That led me to finally get diagnosed and treated for ADD. I also quit drinking, which I was using to self medicate issues related to ADD and anxiety. I quit vaping which was just causing a feedback loop of anxiety and trying to calm said anxiety. I won’t lie, it took work and changing some lifelong habits, but it’s so worth it. I feel like I’ve started a new chapter in my life. Start simple, maybe with positive affirmations or going on a 15 minute walk every day without looking at your phone the whole time. You’re young. No bad times last forever. Just take it a day at a time.
Edit: I also went back to my local community college to finish my associates degree I started at 18. Not saying this applies to you, but having a big goal like that to work towards helped me.
I led a very reckless life doing a lot of illegal stuff up until I was 25 and met the woman I would fall in love with and marry. The life I was leading prior was not sustainable and would have a bad ending. I cut off a lot of friends but I didn’t want to be a loser. I got a certificate in mainframes (1985). Cut my hair and sought out office employment. It took me 10 moths to get a entry job. this will be different for you but for me I was getting into tech at 27 which turned out to be a big arc. I made it to the end.
For you there has to be something. My wife and I both worked full time, it was necessary in 1984 and its 5x necessary today. That help us not being blown out of the water when one of our jobs tanked and were never had to touch our 401K accounts in any way. This happened to both of us at different times, never at the same time.
Finally live below your means so you can save as soon as to can. My wife is an excellent budget person and sticks to them.
And looking back on that whole journey if you asked me where it would lead I wouldn’t have had a clue. Sometimes fortune comes unannounced although I believe we make our own luck
I lived my 20s in the throw of debauchery and hedonism as a response to my horrible teenage years. I drank and smoked and did drugs regularly while seducing women on a sexual conquest.
Towards my late 20s I realized that I won’t be able to keep up that lifestyle forever, at some point the women would stop coming and the drugs and alcohol would no longer feel fun. So I planned to do better.
It’s an ongoing journey and there are relapses often, but the time in between those relapses is increasing. I’m always striving to do better and I make effort to reflect on my mistakes when they do happen. I want to be dignified and graceful; a master of my own urges and desires.
Gotta take it on the chin and toughen up. Life is hard. Childhood is a dream that no one appreciates. Then you grow up and life hits you. You enter a job and expect things to just unfold. Doesn’t happen. No one cares about you, the job is boring, etc. My 20’s were very frustrating. I pursued music and dealt with idiots and egomaniacs all day long.
At age 30 I was living on the other side of the country, my gf broke up with me, and I was broke and working at a grocery store. Something clicked that I needed to hit high gear, and I just went full on into pursuing law school. Grinded my ass off studying for the LSAT and doing school. Landed a job at a large firm, and now am absolutely crushing it. Gotta a great girlfriend. I work hard and am enjoying life far more than I did when I was supposedly “pursuing my passion”.
Something that helped me was the willingness to change. Be open to new things and new experiences. Go all in on something, but don’t be afraid to shift gears if it’s not what you thought it would be. My life has been completely different every couple years. People, jobs, locations, all come and go. You just gotta ride it. Sometimes are good. Sometimes are bad. Just the way it goes. But if you are willing to change your self, improve, do all that self help bs, it pays off. I recommend watching some Jim Rohn videos. Best of luck on your journey!
Brother, you can’t say you have failed at life with 21. You are looking at it wrong.
Exercise, sleep, hydration and a good diet. Also cutting out alchohol literally makes these things much easier to maintain.
It didn’t suddenly happen in my 30s, it was just slow and steady Improvement in my 20s and by my 30s I found some comfort
Keep pushing
I was a hell raiser, going to jail 3x. I changed it because I started dating my wife and knew that if I wanted a life with her then I couldn’t keep going down the same path so I sucked it up, paid my penalties and started down the straight and narrow. It was hard for a few year but was about the motivation. The how is that you just do it once you find that motivation. That was 28 years ago.
Got divorced.
In my late 20s I finally started focusing on fitness and nutrition. I knew confidence wasn’t going to come the way I was so I knew I had to put in work to make it change.
I knew it would take time but if I didn’t do it, I’d never change. I’m much happier now.
You’re 21. Life is just starting. You finished the tutorial which was high school/college. Now is the slow grind.
Here’s two relevant quotes.
**“To crave the result but not the process, is to guarantee disappointment”.**
**”Stop complaining about results you didn’t get from work you didn’t put in”.**
My 20s were a slog of whatever. But I stuck at it, and made judicious choices. And it’s paid off handsomely.
Main thing is, show up and do 1, small thing, then every day, add on to it. Doesn’t have to be grandiose. It eventually compounds.
It’s like gears in a car. First gear, you redline and are barely going 20 miles an hour. But each shift, there’s momentum and leverage to build on.
By the time you reach your 30s, most can be cruising along quite well.
Without knowing anything about you, usually my first area to focus on actually isn’t some grandiose long term plan. Get stabilized. And focus on health. That sets up the mind for the clarity for the bigger, long term plans.
In the interim, focus on health, and as you gain more energy, try as many things as you can and see what sticks and you like. Then figure out if that can really propel you forward.
Well I became addicted to pussy and change my life to get better pussy.
Getting laid off over Covid (I worked in the shipping industry) and a health scare from being overweight/almost becoming diabetic.
Getting laid off qualified me for paid training to go back to college (thank you Canada!) and I became a software dev. My income is now more than double what I was making pre-Covid.
The health scare made me completely change how I live. Working from home for my software job was the final straw that broke, and I was starting to have serious health problems from way too much sugar and weight. My amazing doctor told me “either change the way you eat and move completely, or you will be dead in 10 years.” Now I do a mix of Leto and intermittent fasting, strength training 3 times a week, and 30 minutes on my exercise bike everyday. I’ve lost 30lbs since July with no Ozempic, and I’ve got another 30lbs to go to hit my doctor’s recommended goal weight.
It’s hard to describe but…I sorta just decided to become a different person. And then everything just fell into place. I enjoy going to the gym and I have zero desire for sugary snacks. Both of those used to be a real struggle and battle of willpower for me, but now it’s easy.