This is a long one, but I'll do my best to summarize the situation. Using a throwaway account so as not to doxx anyone involved.
In 2019, I moved to a new city with my boyfriend-at-the-time. I didn't know a soul in this new city, but my partner's best friend "Tim" (30M) had relocated here with his wife, Allie (30F) a year before us. My partner and I naturally spent a lot of time hanging out with Allie and Tim, and Allie and I became super, super close – I'm talking hanging out more days of the week than not, calling/texting each other with every minute detail of our lives, girls' trips, spending holidays together, the works. We were each other's go-to confidant for anything and everything. We called ourselves "sisters".
In the summer of 2023, Allie and I started collectively realizing that we were both in toxic relationships. We had both been fairly isolated by our respective partners, and so the unhealthy dynamics kind of felt "normal" to each of us until we started talking about things with each other. My partner at the time had pretty severe anger issues, and hers was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive.
As a result of these reckonings, I ended my toxic relationship and moved into my own place in late 2023/early 2024. Allie was a MAJOR support to me during this time. She helped me find my new place, she helped me move, and was always there to lend an ear.
Around this same time, Allie's job hired a handful of new employees. Allie quickly bonded with her new colleagues, and they became my friends as well. We all lived in a similar area of the city, and formed a tightly knit, co-ed friend group that hung out often. This becomes important later.
Flash forward to late winter/early spring of 2024. Allie informally separated from and went low contact with her husband, and was staying in a friend's vacant apartment. Obviously, ending a marriage is never a 100% fun and happy walk in the park, but she was NOTICEABLY lighter and very focused on healing. I was there for her in the same way she was there for me – that's what friends do.
She planned to file for divorce later that spring, but then shit hit the fan.
One night, the friend group made plans to go out to a bar. I wasn't feeling well, so I stayed home, but Allie went out. The next morning, she revealed to me that she had drunkenly hooked up with one of the men in our group, "Matt" (30M). She expressed mixed emotions – she felt guilty, like she had cheated on her husband, but she also had feelings for Matt and was debating pursuing something with him. I was the only person (besides Allie and Matt) who knew this happened, and I obviously kept it to myself.
Allie ended up hooking up with Matt a few more times, until she became pregnant in late spring 2024. It turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, but this seemed to trigger something in her. She revealed to me that she had actually been way too drunk to consent the night she initially hooked up with Matt. We talked through things, and she explained that she had felt so traumatized by the ordeal that she had delusionally developed feelings for Matt in a psychological attempt to normalize what happened, and that's what she continued hooking up with him. But the pregnancy scare was somewhat of a wakeup call for her, and things between her and Matt came to an end.
This is when Allie's behavior started to change.
First, Allie went back to her husband – I believe out of guilt. Upon her return, Tim read her diary and found out about what happened with Matt. He blamed her for what happened, and she felt beholden to him. Like she had betrayed him, and now she had to make up for it.
Once Tim found out what happened, Allie conveyed to Matt that Tim knew, and two weeks later Matt had moved out of our city and across the country. Make of that what you will, I guess.
Despite Matt's departure, Allie withdrew from our friend group entirely. She slowly started withdrawing from OUR friendship, too. I went from seeing and talking to her 7 days a week, to seeing her once every 2 weeks… then once a month… then every 6 weeks… until months passed without seeing her at all. I was EXTREMELY concerned about her, frequently reaching out and doing my best to be there for her on her terms.
Meanwhile, I was in a somewhat complicated situation. Our friend group was obviously very confused and concerned about Allie's disappearance. It was clear that something was wrong – she had even started working remotely to avoid interacting with her colleagues in the workplace. Allie was extremely anxious about other people finding out about her and Matt, and did not want Matt to know that I knew. This was very challenging to navigate – I was constantly fielding questions from our friend group about what was happening with Allie, if she was okay, why she wasn't responding to anyone or showing up to anything. In addition, because Matt did not know that I knew any of this, he continued reaching out to me / interacting with me as normal, and it felt like a really challenging balance to not be too friendly with him while still protecting Allie's privacy by pretending I had no clue what happened. This all took place between late spring – summer 2024.
By the time we reached fall 2024, I could barely get ahold of Allie for anything. My concern for her safety and wellbeing continued to grow. I worried that was in an extremely vulnerable place with her husband and his abusive tendencies. I didn't know what to do. I continued reaching out to her, attempting to see her in person, trying to make plans. I was able to see her ONCE throughout the entirety of the fall, and she did not seem well at all, but mentioned being in therapy.
Allie's birthday is in mid-December. I wanted to coordinate a gift for her, and I wasn't sure if she would be up to hanging out, considering everything. So, I actually reached out to Tim directly. I asked if they would be in town during her birthday so I could have a gift delivered. He said no, they would actually be away for a ski trip for the entire month, but gave me the address of their hotel so I could have my gift shipped there (which I did).
On her birthday, I wished Allie a happy day, and she thanked me for the gift. She also revealed that she was pregnant again, this time by Tim obviously, and she was worried because the pregnancy might be ectopic. I became even more worried for her than before, and told her to PLEASE let me know if there was literally ANYTHING I could do for her. Cue radio silence for the next 2 months (despite many attempts on my part to reach out and check in – regarding the pregnancy, amongst other things).
In February 2025, Allie reached out and confessed that she and Tim had secretly moved out of our city back in November, and moved to a new city a few thousand miles away. She apologized profusely for hiding it from me, and expressed regret that she "wasn't able to say goodbye".
I'll be honest. Inwardly, I was really hurt and a bit offended that Allie had secretly moved away without any heads' up, and especially that she didn't say goodbye. That said, I felt that this had Tim written alllll over it, and I figured that he must have manipulated her in some way and she likely was not thinking in her right mind.
Moreover, the strongest feeling I had hearing this news was CONCERN and FEAR for my friend. Allie did not know anyone in this new city… Tim did. Allie got a new job there, but she was working remote. This totally freaked me out, because I was like wow, Tim has FULLY isolated her now. That's really scary.
I essentially responded by telling her I'm sad to hear that she moved away, but I understand and I hope she loves the new city. I also asked her (for not the first time!!!) if there were any updates on the pregnancy. She completely ignored the question.
As spring 2025 went on, I continued reaching out to her frequently. I would occasionally hear back. I would consistently ask about the pregnancy – that was always ignored. I eventually figured that something happened that she wasn't ready to address – like maybe she had lost the baby, or maybe it DID turn out to be ectopic and so she had to terminate, so I dropped the issue and figured Allie would bring it up to me when she was ready.
In May 2025, I found out I had a random chunk of time off of work in June, and I figured I could use that time to go see Allie. I reached out to her, and let her know I had X dates off in June – let's say like 6/2-6/5. A couple of minutes later, I realized I messed up the dates. I followed up my text and said whoops, sorry, the dates are actually Y dates – let's say 6/13-6/16. An hour or so later, Allie replied. She said "I can't on 6/2 – 6/5 :(". She did not elaborate, and she did not acknowledge the correct dates. That hurt my feelings, and at that point I decided to address it.
I sent her a long message basically explaining that I know she's going through a hard time right now, and I want to be there for her, but I honestly don't know how at this point. She sent me a text back essentially affirming that she doesn't have the capacity for friendship right now, and mentioned that she was hurt that I was still friends with the people in our friend group (sans Matt). I won't lie, I got a bit defensive about that – I rebutted basically explaining that the other people in our friend group didn't do anything wrong, they never treated her or me poorly, and they had no idea about Matt's actions, so why would I cut them off? They were my friends too. This conversation essentially resulted in us acknowledging that we are both taking a step back from the friendship, but our doors are always open to each other.
Flash forward to August 2025. I am going about my business, and I receive a text from my ex-partner… the one who was friends with Tim. We don't talk, so this was weird. The text read: "Did you see Tim and Allie's baby? She's adorable!"
I had an absolute PIT in my stomach. And for some reason, this hit me completely differently than everything else. It made me realize that even if it's due to Tim's influence, Allie clearly stopped considering me a friend. You wouldn't hide an entire pregnancy and birth from a friend, especially one who repeatedly asks you about it. I was so unbelievably hurt.
Now here's the thing… my birthday is in August. And this felt like a breaking point for me. I felt like at this point, I had to block Allie. Because the way I saw it, there were only 3 options:
Option 1: Allie wishes me a happy birthday and confesses that she gave birth. I didn't want to spend my birthday having to contend with how to respond to that. I was so hurt that this was kept from me, I didn't think I had it in me to drum up a "congratulations!" or whatever else.
Option 2: Allie wishes me a happy birthday and does not mention the baby. This would also leave me feeling really upset, because I would know she was continuing to deliberately conceal this VERY IMPORTANT information from me, and I again wouldn't know how to contend with that.
Option 3: Allie doesn't wish me a happy birthday at all, which would be very hurtful in its own way.
So, I blocked her. And she is still blocked now.
I find myself grieving our friendship. I'm hurt, I'm confused, I don't understand. I feel dumb, foolish, stupid, and like a weirdo… like maybe I was delusional about how close we were and she never considered me a real friend. At the same time, I feel guilty and selfish. If this is all happening because she's being abused by a manipulative narcissist who has isolated her and now impregnated her and I just closed the door on her like that… what kind of friend am I? What if something happens to her or the baby? What if she needs help, and has no one to turn to?
I'm at a crossroads, and I guess I just need to hear some more perspective on all of this. Especially because all of these things are so private, I don't feel like I can share this with other people in my life.
Do I keep her blocked, grieve the friendship, hope for the best for her and move on? Do I reach out to apologize and explain and reiterate that I am here for her if she needs? Do I just silently unblock her and say nothing, so if she ever DOES need me she'll be able to get though? Or is there even a point to that – she's likely figured out she's blocked by now… and I guess if she hasn't, that's hurtful in a different way.
TLDR: My best friend Allie became increasingly isolated and withdrawn after a traumatic series of events involving her toxic marriage, a non-consensual encounter, and a secret move and pregnancy… all of which she hid from me despite my repeated concern and support. After months of one-sided effort on my part and the discovery that she’d even concealed the birth of her baby, I blocked her to protect my own well-being, but now I'm grieving the friendship and unsure whether to leave things as they are or reopen the door in case she ever needs help.
19 comments
Let her go and leave her blocked.
Her actions aren’t just those of a busy pregnant woman. She didn’t want you to know.
She’s in an abusive marriage and committed to it.
You can’t help her no matter how much you love her. She doesn’t want out yet.
You can wish her freedom and safety from afar. The choice to be with him is hers. The choice to not tell you about the baby, may not have been but I lean towards it being a decision she made and maintained.
You would tell her a truth she doesn’t want to hear. She silenced you with a cowardly slow fade.
She has *no* love for herself, how can she love you and be a good friend?
Welcome to your 30’s, where you realize some of the people you are close are entirely too much drama and are probably never going to change.
I stopped reading at the point where she decided after the fact that she was too drunk to consent but decided she had feeling for the guy and then alter decided she had done that to herself to normalize her drunken hook up btw.
Leave her blocked. Hopefully you can let go of your guilt eventually. You gave her 1000 openings to ask for help or even to confide in you. It sounds like you were a stellar friend to her. You can’t help a person who doesn’t want to help herself, as sad as that is.
I think your level of emotional attachment here is worth examining. How many times do you need to tell her that you’re there for her? She’s been clear that she’s moved on, but you’re continuing to push for contact and claiming it’s essentially for her own good.
I had a friend like this once and ultimately had to step back because her she left me no room to breathe. In her case she was packing a diagnosis that explained this kind of boundary-blind behavior where her need to engage with me superceded my right to choose the terms of engagement. I don’t know your story but please consider whether your concern about her is actually about you instead.
You can’t save her. Focus on yourself. I understand loving your friend but I do worry that you have a dependency on her that you don’t fully realize. You’ve done all you can do, cherish the friendship for what it was at the time. For who she was to you at the time. Things have changed. Things will continue to change. Wish you both the best.
Unblock her. I know she has hurt you. I’m very sorry you’ve experienced this.
You don’t know the level of control and abuse. Her every move, including contact with you may be monitored and therefore unsafe.
If you unblock her, you needened contact her at all. But that way. If and when she’s ready to get out of her situation, the person she’ll probably feel safest reaching out to, will be available to make that very hard step a little easier.
Wishing you all the best.
A similar thing happened to me too. Absolutely crushed me. She moved away and met some new people but we stayed in close contact, I considered her like a sister but I only found out she was pregnant after she gave birth and posted it on socials. She tried to double back and tell me about her pregnancy journey when I told her how surprised I was that she didn’t tell me at all, but at that point the damage was done and I was too hurt. It was clear we saw our relationship very differently, because she would have been the first person to know if I was pregnant, but I was one of the last to find out for her.
Just focus on grieving and healing. It’s a long process, and reopening that wound only delays it. Even if you were to reconnect, it will never be the same. I’m sorry this happened to you, you seem like a kind and caring person, and any real friend would have been thrilled to have you included on that journey.
You can unblock her if you think she might ever reach out for help and you want to help, but it usually takes someone who is abused seven times to actually leave and have it stick. I know you’re feeling a little guilty, or sad, or just a way, that’s perfectly normal! You’re mourning the relationship you thought you had. Good luck.
Personally, I wouldn’t keep her blocked. Maybe she will change in time and advocate for herself and perhaps resume her friendship with you, but the ball is very much in her court. You have done waaaaaaaay too much already. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to save themselves.
I say keep her blocked. All this one sided relationship is doing is causing you pain. You can’t save some people. And it’s up to her to find a way out for herself and her child. Oh, block your ex too.
Focus on yourself. Maybe you could even job hunt in a dream location and really fly.
I’d unblock her and let her know that you don’t expect the reply, are fine with keeping distance, don’t expect to rekindle the friendship and don’t want to pry in her personal life. But if she needs help, if she feels in danger, she can contact you and you will be there for her. (It is if you really want it). Also explain that you had her blocked because it was better for you, but you are unblocking her (where? phone, email, SM? Be very clear) and will not block her again. So this lifeline stays.
She seems to be in big trouble. You cannot help her against her will, but if she is completely isolated, she needs a lifeline. I’d give her that lifeline and it is up to her what she wants to do with it.
It’s very challenging to be friends with someone who is actively in an abusive relationship, and it sounds like her partners abuse has escalated significantly (moving away secretly, isolating her, and now tying her to him with a baby).
You can let her know that you’ll be there for her if she ever needs to leave the marriage, if that’s true. But given that you live over 1k miles away, there’s a limit to what you can do. I hope she has family members who can be there for her if she ever reaches the decision to leave. But it sounds like she no longer considers you a friend and it may be best to assume that you will never be friends again.
Im going tk say that her guilt of cheating lead to her husband insistingnyour and that friend groups no good since this happened while you guys were all hanging out; even though you weren’t there when it happened, your looped into this.
So when her and her husband had their “talk”, he probably threw you under the bus ans she feeling guilty and scared and not having any way out here (because I’ve been there and leaving aint so easy you just dont know how a man they are behind the closed door); she felt like just listening to him was best. He probably gave her conditions and keeps her on a very tight leash; he probably was there listening to your calls when you called or she has to constantly delete your call log from the phone which he probably has access to.
This isn’t just Abbys baby though. It’s her and HER husbands. Even if he’s abusive, he still has control and a right over whom he wants around his kid just like she does. To him your the bad guy because of what his wife did; and how you almost cost him his marriage with her. This is just how he sees it.
He probably convinced her he’s trying to save this marriage and as a means to save it insisted she become pregnant with his child instead. He made all the decisions for her before he just has to be more in charge of things; which is why they moved away.
Now about Ally, she made her choice. She choose to defend her husband which is why your cut off and he isn’t. You cant force her to leave him if she aint ready. I promise you having a baby won’t change a man like that. Heck, my bf laid hands on me when our baby was in my arms. It takes a lot for a man to change; though im glad my bf did.
Years down the road she will rethink aboutnyiu. But right now she’s being monitored til he can trust her again. You’ve got to let time pass before she’s safe enough to reach out.
I would unblock though. She’s not contacting you. It’s fine. Just.. For when she’s ready.
Keep her blocked. If you had the emotional capacity to be there for her during this period of her life (or after), I think that would be clearer, but I’m reading that you’re feeling emotionally hurt and confused and trying to justify what’s going on with limited info… that just seems like not a good place to be, and I don’t think you should be the person who assigns themselves the role of Allie’s landing spot when she does crash out. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you’re respecting your own limitations in this flawed relationship.
It’s tough because it sounds like she’s in an abusive situation and the sad thing there is you can’t do anything other than wait for them to be done.
I personally wouldn’t block her because we can see that she’s dealing with something tough. I can understand putting some space to protect your own mental health but I would still try to support them. Even if it’s just an occasional message of “hey, just checking in. How are you?” Or “thinking of you today, maybe we can call soon.” Something noncommittal but still leaves a door open.
Isolation is a key part of abuse so she may feel stuck for a while if she feels she has no exit. But if you continue to show her an exit maybe someday she’ll use it. It’s tough but I’d have a hard time walking away from someone I knew needed help – even if they don’t see it yet.
I have been in a similar situation to you. One of my dearest friends would realise her partner was abusive, try to leave, then go back. I was always one of the first people to be cut off because the partner knew that I was the danger to their control over my friend. It is so hard to have a best friend who is being abused and controlled. Eventually it got to the point that I couldn’t make myself rescue her anymore, and I still haven’t worked through that. I feel incredible guilt and shame, and we will never know if that time would have been the last time she needed that help.
Anyway, all of this to say there is no right answer. Right now your options are anger and resentment or feeling like you’re in the wrong. That’s not how it’ll be forever. You also don’t have to decide right this moment – you can unblock her any time. As long as she breathes, there is time. Maybe with time you reach the point of being able to have that line open without it being painful. Maybe one day she decides she’s leaving and creates a new account to contact you, either to ask for help or let you know she did it and wants to talk. Right now is not forever.
Leave her blocked. If she really really really wver needs to reach you, she will find a way. Some other social media. An old mutual friend. Your ex.
Just because you have her number blocked doesnt mean it is impossible to get a hold of you.
So keep her blocked and move on for your own sanity. Keep your other friends who have been there all this time.
uming you can fix someone who chooses silence over friendship
If it were me, I would unblock her but detach myself from her until she sends a message saying that she’s ready to leave and she wants out. Otherwise, I’d be a warm, grey rock. You might find the book “Helping her Get Free” by Susan Brewster helpful. I think it might resonate with you because her behaviours sound a lot like women in the book. The book suggests that the goal is to figure out how to be available if she asks for help while not putting yourself into ongoing emotional distress/overwhelm/disappointment.