FYI, this is gonna be long. My wife (38) and I (37) are going through it. Have been for a few years but we really came to a tipping point where I have had enough of not feeling loved, appreciated, or needed and was just about ready to walk out the door a few months ago. Thats not what I want and I have been trying to do some soul searching and even began reading some relationship books, starting with the five love languages. Hers is acts of service and mine is physical touch so herein lies thw first issue. I communicate affection and love through hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, sex, Etc and she shows those emotions through doing things like taking care of the shopping, doing the laundry, on the way in the dishwasher, etc. To me these are just mundane adulting responsibilities. Things that I do as well and while I hope they're appreciated, that's not how I express love. She says that I'm only focused on my needs and not on hers. I can say that I definitely try to focus on hers but also, not to put too far out of a point on it but I feel like I've built up a love deficit as it were over the years.
I've always tried to show her my love through those physical acts and since it's just all I've ever known, I assumed that if you love someone that's naturally how they would want to act towards you as well but she says that it doesn't come naturally to her and it doesn't even occur to her to show affection in that way which absolutely baffles me. I understand now that it's just a difference in love language but I keep trying to get closer and express love, not only in the way that I naturally do but also through acts of service for her and I feel like they always go unappreciated and frankly unacknowledged. There's little acts of service that I do every single day that get no appreciation and then I'm told that I don't do enough and I'm not hearing her when that's literally all I'm trying to do. It feels like the more I try, the more I get pushed away physically and emotionally. She doesn't even have a desire to have sex which just makes me feel lower than dirt. I try my best to make myself physically attractive to her and she says it has nothing to do with that but how can I feel like it's not personal when we used to do it far more often than we do now?
We're kind of in marriage counseling, and by that I mean that we had our intake appointment and then they fired that therapist and then once we were finally placed with another therapist a few weeks after, she was in an accident and so we haven't even met her yet. We did meet with the director of the therapy place last week and had a session with him which was good but of course he's not our permanent therapist. I keep trying to communicate with her and make progress and it's to the point where she is saying that I'm talking about it everyday and hyper focused on it and it's just draining for her. How can I not be hyper focused on what seems like my marriage falling apart? How can I not be hyper focused on trying to get out of this affection deficit that has been built up over the last several years?
What makes it worse is that frankly I would rather be at work than at home at this point which I hate feeling like. I'm lucky that I work with people that I've known for years and that feel like family. We laugh and joke around and I actually get compliments from people which happens 0% of the time at home. What Hurts the Most though is that the one person on the planet that I want to share everything with, be affectionate with, intimate with, loving with, I feel more alone when I'm with her than I do when I'm actually alone.