TL;DR: We used to be closer than we are now; she thinks that's an evolution of the relationship but to me it feels like a falling out.
We've been together for four years (it's actually our anniversary today), and for almost all of that we were deliriously happy. Everything felt natural and effortless. We spoke openly and regularly about our future – marriage, kids, etc. Before this I didn't know it was possible to feel so secure in a relationship. About three months ago, I noticed a shift in the vibe and asked what was up.
She said she had been feeling the need for more space in the relationship. For years we had been mutually clingy and arguably codependent, and she was just asking for a shift to a place where it would be more okay to each do our own thing sometimes. I know rationally (especially with some hindsight) that it's a healthy thing to want, but I handled it poorly at the time. I took it as a rejection, and in some ways felt betrayed or blindsided by the suddenness. I pushed hard to unravel what else was wrong, insistent that it couldn't be that simple… and we spiraled. A couple weeks later she said she wanted to experience living apart while we stayed together. A couple weeks after that, she said she wanted out of the relationship.
The breakup didn't really happen, as she regretted it after a few days and said she had just made a panicked decision under pressure. We've been going to therapy since then, and she has said that she's committed to making things work. Through all of this she has been consistent in saying that she's still in love with me, and that she sees me as her forever person. But I'm really struggling to take that at face value, because I'm just not feeling loved. I have to work hard to earn affection, and I'm always the one asking for time together, and that was never the case before this rough patch. I have mostly felt like a doormat, because all I want is to be close again and it's all up to her whether we do so.
When I bring up any of this, the response is that I'm overthinking, that I'm squeezing too hard, and that I shouldn't feel rejected by her wanting space. And she's not wrong about any of that. The thing is, it's really hard to tell what's just my own insecure perception versus her actually pulling away. And it really sucks to have to put my guard back up with someone who I've already been vulnerable with.
I would tolerate all this discomfort if I knew that a happy life with her was on the other end, but I can't shake the feeling that this is just how an avoidant person ends a relationship. I love her so much that my heart warms from writing about her, but I can't stay in this limbo indefinitely. Do I just put up with this situation because it's what she needs for now, versus advocating for my own needs? Or accept this as a lost cause and spare myself future pain by walking away?
(Yes I'm aware we have a large age gap and yes it's definitely a factor in everything, but to me she's just the person I love.)