So me 18F and my boyfriend 18M have been dating for a year. We are long distance and have never seen eachother. He lives in the UK and I live on the other side of the continent. He is very busy with his upcoming sports career and has like 2 weeks a year off which he is visiting his relatives in Canada. I was planning on visiting him but had to push it back to next summer due to medical reasons and family stuff. I would have to pay everything so accommodation,flight, food and so on. So my stay in the UK would be expensive.
I'm the beginning I was pretty sure he kept talking to other women's because he was on a " dating" website after he asked me to be his gf and had " down for anything". The bio was changed to that AFTER we were together. I also asked him a couple times to stop to a specific girl because she said " my 'his nickname' " in one of his Instagram posts and he said he doesn't want to because they are close friends. Earlier he said to me tho that he wouldn't mind stop talking to girls for me. He also has his snap linked in the "dating app" and told me he got nudes send from girls while we are/were dating.
Fast forward to now, he really doesn't know how his future is gonna look like and has the mindset " I'm gonna see when the time comes so like one month before" and I know exactly what I want in my life. Also the kind of places he would move to next year to start his pro sports career are the kind of places I wouldn't due to being worried about my safety. Therefore I am restricting myself and the possibilities where I want to go to college/uni based on where he would want to be.
Another thing is, I don't see it working out on the long term..not anymore. It's like I stopped being delulu and started to be realistic. I also always like of feel forced to send certain things since I didn't wanted his dissaproval. I also noticed, I am the anchor in his life. That isn't something negative but I have a lot on my own plate rn and didn't have an anchor. I'm moving next year,idk where, I'll be on my own for the first time and so on. Additionally if I think about my ideal type he doesn't fit into it at all. I like men with experience and that can take care of themselves and their loved ones. I grew up surrounded by lots of discipline, especially the military kind one. Therefore I am very masculine in certain things, since I also experienced and moved a lot around. I can hunt,fish, take apart a gun and put it back together,shoot,use knifes and I do martial arts and other things. I want a masculine man tho and therefore I need someone who can do all of that and more. Most guys my age or two to three years older don't have that. My boyfriend doesn't have any of that and I thought it didn't matter but I noticed it does. In case of emergency I would have to take the responsibility for both of us, I would have to be the one standing in the front, not besides him or behind him. I also have hyper vigilance from my environment and how I was raised. If you grow up surrounded by people that have it and are always on alert due to their job, and they tell/show it to you, you pick it up. Additionally I was molested and emotional abused/manipulated by my sister for many years. She would also regularly beat me. I also have to mention I became really pretty the last year after being chubby for a long time so I think that was one of the reasons why I feel in love with my boyfriend back then,he is handsome and I was honoured that someone like him though I was pretty
My point is, the spark between me and my boyfriend is gone and idk how to tell him. Additional I met a guy who is absolutely lovely and he lives in the city my fav college and Uni is. I really wanted to go to that State anyways and it would be great to already know someone there. Additionally he doesn't pressure me into anything, he is so patient with me and we have similar interests, future goals. He is also a bit older. He became so fast a close friend of mine and I'm starting to feel a spark.
I don't want to hurt my boyfriend,I know I mean a lot to him and I still care about him. He is a great guy but I think I was clinging to him because I was scared of the big change upcoming and wanted at least one thing to last (our relationship).The guy I meet has nothing to do with me losing the spark. He just kind of opend my eyes to the reality. I can't continue this way because I feel twisted. I feel a lot for that guy and the new freedom I gained but I feel bad because my boyfriend still loves me like crazy
I need opinions and guidance asap please ?