Recently, I have had a lot of life stressors with school and my career, so I know my sexual drive has not been at its highest. But every night, my bf wants to initiate sex even if I really dont feel like it. I will tell him no and provide my reasoning, but 9 times out of 10 he continues by rubbing and grabbing my body until I am turned on. This makes me feel dirty afterwards and like I was only used for his satisfaction because he said he was horny. then he always says, "see you liked it after all." The 1/10 times he does listen to my "no" he gets really quite towards me and wont even cuddle or really acknowledge me, which makes me feel guilty for even turning him down in the first place. It feels like a domino effect because the more he persists with this, the less I feel like having sex with him in general.
additionally, we used to get a little more into rough sex and choking but it makes me feel worse about myself. especially since i have read studies about the dangers of choking (which i shared with him btw!!), i dont want that anymore. Yet of course he persist with this too.
I feel good about myself and my body since I eat good and workout often, but I even asked him the other night "if in 20 years I am exactly the way I am right now, would you still like me?" and he said "well if i was fat when we first met, you wouldnt have dated me sooo…" and this made me feel even worse because I have actually lost weight since we started dating so it is not like I am "fat", but even if I was I would still like to think that my partner would love me.
overall, I just dont feel heard, seen, or truly loved (even though he tells me all the time). I feel like he doesnt mean to disregard me this way, I just dont know how I should go forward…
12 comments
your boyfriend is assaulting you :/
This is coercion and it’s a form of sexual assault. Please leave him for your own wellbeing
You “go forward” by packing your things if you’re living together or just ending the relationship if you’re not. The reason you don’t feel “heard, seen or truly loved” is because you’re not. You’re just a warm body for him to insert himself into and if he cared at all about your needs he’d have stopped this behavior long ago.
Maybe try dumping this asshole. Hope this helps
This is sexual assault, and you need to get out – ASAP.
If you have nowhere to go contact social services and ask them for the number for the domestic violence shelter.
As a very longtime member of the kink community, I want you to hear me loud and clear when I say –
His kink is non-consensual non-consent.
He is not playing.
He is dangerous.
Get out, do not tell him you are getting out, get out without leaving a note, block him in every possible manner –
and leave no forwarding method of contacting you whatsoever.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. All of your feelings and thoughts are completely valid. He is sexually coercing you aka this is sexual assault. You told him your no’s and what you are not comfortable with, but he still does it. He does not respect you. He does not care about your emotional or physical safety. This is not love. He does not truly love you.
Your safety is the top priority. Sex is about 2 people in safe, consensual, intimate connection. Not about 1 person masturbating inside of another for their own pleasure against the other’s will. When he says “see you liked it after all,” it’s like him telling you that he doesn’t want to be tickled, but then you tickle him anyway and he laughs and then you say “see you liked it after all.” The body is responding how the body responds, but it doesn’t mean you actually want it or like it.
You deserve to be seen, heard, and truly loved, in the way that you do that for him. There is someone out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
This is not a safe relationship. He will not change. The only right move is to leave him.
Well, it seems that sex is a problem for you, or perhaps he is the problem. We men want sex all the time, and if he seeks you out this frequently, it’s probably because he likes you and isn’t willing to look outside the relationship. If you feel dirty or undervalued, just break up with him and go find another man with lower testosterone, because if you continue in this relationship you will feel worse and worse, and at some point he will start looking at the neighbor’s lawn. Just separate, your problem will be solved, and he will surely find a way to solve his problem.
Ugh, OP. And also he persists with choking! Nope nope. Words mean nothing in the end: Actions mean everything. You’re letting him off too easy by saying “he doesn’t mean to disregard you in this way” — does he have a disability that means he doesn’t understand plain spoken language like ‘no’?
No means NO! He pressures you into sex which, to me, is just another form of rape. Get out now! Especially if his kink of choking you continues after you’ve told him you no longer want to participate in it. Next thing you know, he’ll choke you to death. Run away from all these 🚩🚩🚩🚩
This man is awful.
I think you’re giving him far too much credit for saying he doesn’t mean to disregard you.
He seems to put a lot of effort honestly into making you feel small, less-than, and not good enough for him.
The fact that he pressures you to have sex (and he tells YOU whether you enjoyed it) goes to show how little he cares about you as a person or your actual feelings, up to dangerous behaviour.
You shouldn’t be doing anything in a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself. And a partner should not expect or want you to do anything that makes you feel bad about yourself.
Someone who chokes you when you are not 100% excited and enthusiastic about them doing so, is assaulting you. You’ve read the risks. Your life is in danger here.
Not respecting sexual boundaries is called sexual assault. I’ve been with this guy. It escalated to rape eventually. Get away from him.