Im a 29 F and my bf is a 30 M. We've been together for 7 years and in that time I've struggled a lot in our relationship. I never felt wanted. He never wanted pictures of us taken together, even if they weren't going on social media. He'd ask why I need the memories and cant just think back on them instead when I would try to plead my case. He kept our relationship status online hidden with privacy settings, even blocked me from his fb at one point. Wouldn't go on dates with me. Basically treated me like a roommate. Then 5 years in, I find out he had been cheating on me for 4 of those years with various girls and one was actually a friend at the time. When I confronted him, he said it wasnt true (even though I even watched a video on his phone of the girl doing her thing on top of him and checked the date and time stamps). And he basically gaslit me into feeling like I was crazy for being upset over it. Even his friends and his mom called me stupid for getting upset over it which fucked up my head even more. Then I got pregnant with his child and when he found out, he said "idc what you do with the kid once its born, but I wont be there". I sadly had a miscarriage, and afterwards he wanted to stay together. I was so depressed and unwell in the head that I actually allowed him too. Eventually i came to my senses, I got an apartment without him knowing so I had cushion when I broke up with him. But he started threatening to kill himself right off the bat, and told me he would if I even took one of my cats to the apartment. Theyre both microchipped to me btw, I raised them from 5 weeks old. And I didnt want to lose my cats or have him hurt himself, and he laid his head in my lap hugging my legs full blown sobbing and I didnt know what to do so I broke down and said we can work on things but I was keeping the apartment. After that year was up, things seemed a little better and I moved back in. Its been a year and I haven't felt happy honestly. Then a few months ago my brothers baby got taken by state and he was asking me about taking kinship/guardianship over his son until he gets things sorted out. I agreed. When I told my bf the situation, he told me he doesnt want kids in the house. That he doesn't want CYS showing up. He doesnt want to lose his peace and his freedom. When I asked if id need to get a place of my own, he agreed. So I did just that. Now my bf is flipping the script saying he wants kids in the house, he wants to start a family with me and get married (which hes turned me down regarding both for years saying he didnt want it). He tells me he misses me 20+ times a day, tells me im beautiful, is trying to take pictures together, plan dates, made the relationship status shown on fb, and all this stuff I basically begged for over the years. But in between all of that, hes been talking about how hes going to kill himself if he did lose me. How unfulfilled he is without me. How he cant enjoy anything without me. The day I took my cats to the new apartment, I went back to his house to talk like he requested and hes damn near passed out at the table from mixing percs and whiskey. He was coherent enough to beg me not to call anyone and then kept mumbling "what did I do" "why do you hurt me" over and over. I didnt know what to do and got terrified hes actually going to kill himself. He even started saying (once sober) that he was going to rehome his animals and sell his stuff. I know im not responsible for him or his actions. But I have always loved him even if I dont want to be in the relationship. And if he did do something, the guilt would eat me alive. But I dont want to stay and stuff away my own potential happiness either. I dont know how to handle this. Im deeply empathetic and he knows that which I feel is why hes pulling the cards on me that he is. I feel like I have one foot out the door but the other is shackled so tight to him. Ive even started having my own suicidal thoughts and that scares the fuck out me because I dont want to die. I just want to feel like I can breathe again.