I 26F have never dated, and I’m starting to feel like it’s because I’m inherently flawed in some way. Most of my friends say I’m just too picky and I should settle for someone, but I don’t think I have super high standards for men regarding physical appearance, money, etc. I just feel like I keep attracting men who only want to have sex, not men who are genuinely interested in a relationship. I’m just wondering if there is something wrong with my behavior around men that makes them think I want to hook up over having a real relationship.
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It doesn’t sound like it’s you… It’s just the culture now. It’s why some women wait to have sex and verify intention
relationships are costly, not just for money but emotionally, time wise, everything. For most guys the end goal of relationships is sex. If they can get the sex without the commitment… thats a win.
I’ve only ever wanted to have sex with someone if i thought it was going to be a serious relationship.
So I’ve never just hooked up with someone that didn’t lead to a relationship but i know there are a lot of men and women that just want to fuck with no strings attached.
My only care there is that the chances of catching or spreading an STI/STD increases with each new partner. Which is probably why I’ve always preferred to be monogamous.
A sandwich tastes better knowing someone else’s dick wasn’t just in it
You are not flawed, it’s perfectly fine to be picky. I applaud you for it.
The right man will consider you marriage material and honor your decision to take relationships and sex seriously, while these hook-up guys only want to add to their trophy case and then break your heart. You’re wise to avoid them and your future partner will thank you for it.
Not to mention, these men are some of the world’s largest hypocrites. They’ll casually sleep with dozens of women, but if they ever get to settling down, suddenly want to marry a virgin.
maybe looking in the wrong place- tinder is pretty much hook up… maybe friends can introduce you to more mature men… or join an activity where you can become friends with the opposite sex and go from there…
The requirements for a hookup is significantly lower than that of a relationship.
Having sex too soon leads to this too
I’m the same age as you and the majority of my guy friends are looking for serious relationships at this point, where are you meeting these kinda guys?
Those aren’t “men”. Men do not want to hook up. Guys, dude bros, etc only want to hook up. Keep your standards and the men who have some will eventually find their way to you. Now as for your behavior around them, we can’t help with that since we don’t know how you’re acting around them, so…
Women that voluntarily hook up also?
Wondering the same thing… you’re not alone!
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Expendable income
Lust is a helluva drug.
Just a question for understanding: you write you have never dated, so how do you know that the men only want sex and not a relationship?
And could you elaborate on what are you doing to attract men?
Do not listen to your friends and do not lower your standards just to settle on any guy who first comes into your life.
Unfortunately, there are men out there who think women are “easy” and all they need to do is buy her dinner and a drink to impress her. From there, they take her back to either his place or her place, which usually results in a one-night stand.
Hook-up culture is real and same with body counts. STDs are also real and people always forget to use protection. Or there’s some stupid guy who thinks it “feels better” raw and manipulates/gaslights the poor girl into having sex, and she gets pregnant from a random stanger.
Biology
Most men don’t see women as human beings but only as objects to use and abuse. They feel entitled to sleep around and there is no stigma attached to it. In fact they feel more masculine as their body count increases. Even the so called nice guys are no different. The only time they can behave differently if they meet a highly manipulative woman who uses and abuses them or they are feeling pressured by family and society to settle down. Then they will settle with anyone they find. You please do not waste your time blaming yourself that you are attracting wrong men. And you need to fix yourself. No you don’t. You are totally fine. Lastly, do not hook up with these men out of loneliness or lack of good men. Live your life. Follow your passion and be a good person. Life is too short to be wasting on such men.
I’ve only sought sex if I just come out of a relationship, wanted to try something experimental or ‘dirty’ that past partners didn’t want to try- I also find when I’m in a loving relationship the sexual wants I had before tens to reduce due to a mental switch in my head whereas when I have sex not from a loving nature but as it’s own separate entity I tend to explore more as my mentality is different- I dont love the person therefore not looking for love so sex and aspirations are different hence my hook ups allow me to pursue. The thrill of an older woman also. To get over someone; to feel better about myself. If the person I thought I was into just doesn’t float my boat in a relationship aspect but seems fun I’ll pursue for sex.
I’ve both informed people of my intentions and also not informed of my intentions; and I’ve had both of these done to me too. I’ve treated people like an asshole and have also been treated like an arsehole- Swings and roundabouts, yin and Yang unfortunately.
This is just a candid answer which I hope helps in some way.
You do whatever you want and don’t be pressured into anything. Your body, your rights, your rules. If you have a different mindset to these people, that’s all good. Cut your losses and find someone who matches you.
Replace “attracting” with “choosing” and maybe that will give you some answers
I only really have an interest in sex with someone if I have a bond/emotional connection with them. Otherwise, my libido is kinda dead.
I’m also a big believer that there is no such thing as “too picky”. I know what I’m looking for in a potential life partner and I won’t settle for less, I’d rather remain single with my cat as company.
If my friends EVER tell me I’m being too picky, then I’ll get new friends.
same, I”m looking on tinder/bumble for a gf, but its like everyone matches with you but doesn’t respond, or if they do respond, they’re super dry. I think ima just go look for a gf, at hobbies that I enjoy
This is probably just a generalization, but I think much of the time the men that are very charming/outgoing and approach you first are also ones that are looking for casual stuff. Other guys who want to get to know you first might also be more shy/less forthcoming.
Most of my guy friends are mainly interested in a serious relationship, even if they would certainly not refuse a hookup
Well I’m interested in a relationship, am male and attractive, and still can’t find anyone.
Nothing is like it used to be.
Keep getting my heart broken when I commit. So it is easier to just have short term fun without the risk of more pain
Probably nothing wrong with your behavior, if you’re attractive and fun to be around but not quite what they’re looking for, a lot of men will just want to hook up. Hell, a lot of guys would hook up even with someone who’s not fun to be around. It has nothing to do with you and you aren’t doing anything wrong. Don’t settle for anyone, you’ll find the right person who wants you for you and isn’t just looking for sex.
Difficult. As an experienced man, I prefer long-term getting to know each other and necessarily sex for a relationship. Moving into an apartment together is considered a highlight if everything is right. A man like me doesn’t want a relationship if the partner shows the wrong impression during the getting-to-know-you phase and, above all, there is no sex or if it only feels bad in the relationship and for both sides. You women also act a little differently because it is your biology to bind a man.
Only advice I have is that you are very likely selecting for men that only care about hooking up. I have seen this in literally all my friends that have said something similar.
I am not a psychologist so I can’t say why it happens. For example, I had a friend say that only asshole selfish men are attracted to her. We were out at bar and a former coworker came up and was obviously attracted to her and flirting. He is a great guy and I thought they would hit it off, but she ended up declining. I asked her afterward why she wasn’t interested, she just said she didn’t feel the spark. However, myself and other friends have seen her get approached by guys that after 1 minute of talking know he is a complete douche and she is all over him.
She will completely overlook all warning signs, she will change her behavior to get his attention, etc. I have seen this in so many friends and coworkers. I figure there is something psychologically going on, but it’s above my level of expertise. Either way, good luck.
Just speaking for myself but I’ve never wanted that even in my 20s. I always wanted a steady gf with marriage potential.
24M here. Same boat but opposite side over the past few years.
There are plenty of men looking for relationships. Plenty. Everywhere. It’s just that relationship/family-oriented guys aren’t usually as wild, flashy, and “exciting” as the handsome fuckboys, so they tend to get ghosted and ignored until they A) get snatched up by a woman who appreciates them, B) get snatched up by a woman settling for a “safe” guy, C) get disheartened and give up on romance entirely, or D) decide to change up their lives and become players.
Now let’s see those downvotes.