A month ago I told my bf of 6 months I love him, he didn’t say it back and we kissed. I accepted he didn’t want to and we moved on with our lives.
2 weeks ago, during another deep chat he brought up the fact that he didn’t say it as it means very serious commitment to him and he’s not there yet (ouch, but fair)
i’ve come to terms with the fact he didn’t say ‘i love you back’ it clearly means a lot more for him than me and he isn’t there yet. His actions say he cares and that’s enough (for the time being)
here’s the issue, he then expressed an ongoing fear that he would lose his personal independence and end up codependent like him and his ex. he needs time to himself, doesn’t want me to be mad if he’s working a lot etc (i’ve never gotten mad)
I’m not sure if that was coming from my behaviour or a projection of stuff with his ex. Tbh I don’t think i’ve done anything to indicate i have an insecure attachment – i don’t get upset when he says no to plans, i listen to his concerns, i have a life outside of our relationship, and i don’t care how quick he replies to texts. I feel like he’s projected his issues with his ex onto our relationship.
But now Im stuck feeling anxious, does he feel trapped? am i messaging / making plans too often? is he wanting out of this relationship?
i dont know what he wants from me, all he did was open a massive can of worms about what he is scared will happen, and now i feel a massive responsibility to make sure it doesnt happen.
i feel very out of control, like he’s completely running this relationship on his terms, with the threat of not wanting it if it gets too much.
don’t get me wrong i enjoy our relationship, we have a lot in common, have fun together, the sex is great, and all our friends are now meshed with one another.
i just think this conversation needs revisiting – is he still anxious, is my behaviour a concern for him, does he actually enjoy this relationship.
i only heard bad things about what he’s scared will happen, no reassurance that he’s actually happen in this relationship and sees it continuing on nicely
How on earth do I bring this up without seeming needy and anxious, i don’t want to make the situation worse and more intense as that’s what he is scared of
TLDR; he’s scared we’ll end up codependent like his ex, but has offered no reason why my behaviour indicates that, or reassurance that he’s happy. How do I revisit this without scaring him off?