My (29) boyfriend (30) is deeply enmeshed with his parents (70 F, 72 M) and he’s an only child. It’s very difficult for me.

28 comments

1. >(29F) am in a year relationship
   It’s been absolute hell,
   are planning a future, and we’re serious about getting married one day.

   I cannot understand why you are planning a future with someone with whom it has been hell with and you’ve been dating for only a year.

2. WHY are you dating someone who lets his parents treat him this way?? It’s on him to set boundaries and go to therapy and he’s shown he will never do that. You will always come last.

3. Why are you even at this point with someone you’ve only been dating a year? You’ve only known this person a year, you’ve already gone no contact with his insane parents, he’s put a financial strain on you, and you want to *marry* him? What about this situation do you think is going to get better?

4. this man is split in two.. one part trying to build a life with you.. another part still trapped in his parents’ hands. they raised him to serve them.. to fix their mess.. to feel guilty for wanting his own peace. so now at thirty he still acts like he owes them everything. that is not love.. that is programming. and you are the one paying for it.

   the contradiction is clear. he says he wants a future with you.. marriage.. stability.. a home together. but every time his parents call.. every time they demand something.. your plans collapse so their chaos can be solved. he knows they overspend.. he knows they use him.. he knows they treat you badly.. yet he still bends. he still chooses their comfort over your life together. he sees the damage.. but keeps repeating the cycle.

   and you.. you are carrying a weight that was never yours. you changed your home.. your money.. your stability.. just to make room for their problems. you watch him hand over his house.. his energy.. his peace.. while you both struggle to build anything for yourselves. it makes sense you feel tired. it makes sense you feel pushed out of your own relationship.

   here is the truth no one wants to say. this will not get better unless he chooses to step out of the role they forced on him. it will not change because you love him. it will not change because you are patient. it will only change if he decides that your life together matters as much as the fear he feels toward disappointing them.

   ask only one question. can he truly separate from his parents enough to stand beside you.. not behind them?
   if yes.. then there is hope.
   if no.. then leaving is not cruelty.. it is self-protection.

   sometimes loving someone is not enough when their whole life belongs to someone else.

5. I don’t know why people always think they’re locked into a relationship

   Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean you’re compatible for something long term.

   There’s a LOT of things that need to align for that to happen. And dating is the time when you find this stuff out.

   So you’re incompatible in this area. You’re not a good match despite caring about each other.

   That’s it. Move on

6. I’m sorry for you bf that his parents are doing this to him. However, it’s not your job to save him. He has to want to change and he has to make changes. For himself, not for you.

   I guarantee you do not want to live your life like this forever.

7. It’s a tough situation no matter what, it’s up to you if you can endure it or not. It sounds like your boyfriend is his parents’ retirement plan, are you okay with that? Is he okay with that?

   You also *deserve to enjoy life*, especially now that you’re young!

   Do you have any plans to have kids in the future? Children need stability, which often includes a home and both parents financially contributing. That’s gonna be very hard if your boyfriend’s parents took his own home and take up all his financial resources and attention. What does your boyfriend think about that?

   It’s a very personal decision, I don’t think it’s wrong in this situation to walk away because when you marry a person, in a way you marry their family too and if things have escalated so much in a year you’ve cut off contact with them already, it’s not looking great. Basically, your partner has to choose between you and mom & dad, if you’re confident you’ll always come second, just leave.

8. Unless this is a captive at gunpoint situation, you have free will. Exercise it.

9. Sweet baby Jesus, it’s only been 1 year!?

   You already know what you have to do, it’s just not easy. Please rip the band-aid off now. You are encountering way too many obstacles and stress from the get-go. You have to consider many things in your partnership and this is a giant red flag you cannot get around. Reading between your lines above, you said it clear already: It’s time to leave. His parents will always have a hold on our relationship. It’s just going to get worse as they age.

10. You can’t fix this. It’s on him to detach, and if you don’t separate yourself, you get dragged down too.

11. This is your life forever if you marry this man. You don’t have to be the one to “fix” him and help him gain his independence and put boundaries up with his parents. That’s not your job. He won’t ever be able to put you or your relationship first.

    At this point you need to decide if you’re okay with this dynamic or if you want to walk away. Honestly, it’s only been a year. That’s too short a time to sign up for a lifetime of unhappiness. And his parents will only get needier the older they get.

12. I’m sorry. This is not healthy for you. And he is not going to change. He doesn’t want to.

    It’s time for you to leave. How easy with it be to break the lease? He can go back to his parents bosom quite easily.

    That he gave up his house so that they could live there is astounding.

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15. I did 15 years with someone in an enmeshed relationship with their parents. Nothing I did mattered. My life is practically ruined or over now.

    Can’t recommend it. And I loved them deeply (or thought i did).

16. > He often says “they’re all I have”

    Does he not have you?
    I think this statement should tell you everything you need to know about his thought process.

    I’d suggest make a bet with him- you and he go to a couples therapist- someone certified, not an internet ‘relationship coach’. You both describe the situation with his parents as truthfully as you can. Then you both ask the therapist if the situation is healthy.
    Whatever changes the therapist suggests, you will do immediately and so will he.
    If the therapist says the situation is fine and you are being overly critical, you will start personal therapy to address that.
    If the therapist says the situation is unhealthy and his parents are abusing him, he will start personal therapy to address that.
    See if he’ll agree to it.

    Bottom line though- DO NOT marry this guy until/unless he seriously fixes his shit and enacts real boundaries / prevents parental shit from hurting his life with you.

    You’re 100% justified to leave him over this at any point.

    You’d be 100% justified to place an ultimatum or boundary that he sets (specified) hard limits with them or you are leaving. The point there is to make it very clear that he’s about to lose you through inaction. If you do that, remind him that right now he doesn’t just have them, he has you. But if he doesn’t start choosing you over their abuse, he won’t have you anymore and they won’t be around forever, at which point he WILL be alone.

17. Get out get out get OUT

18. OP you already know what you need to do for yourself and your future. Sadly this guy will never be able to do much more than what he’s doing now. His parents raised him to be their forever caregiver with no intention of him growing up and living his life. Unless he truly decides on his own to break the cycle (why would he as his parents are elderly and the ONLY ones he has?) nothing will change except the years and more responsibilities taking care of aging family. The grip they have on him is deeply seeded into guilt and he will not be able to live a separate life feeling as though they absolutely need him and he’s failed them. Time to seriously walk away.

19. If you want to leave, then leave. You don’t need us to tell you what you already know. If the relationship with his parents is feeling miserable and he’s still clinging on to them despite their poor behavior, free yourself. He has made his choice and you can make yours

20. The odds are that at least one of them will live 20 more years.

    Also it is apparent your BF is their retirement plan.

    This will be your life.

21. Then let his parents have him and move on

22. This is the rest of your life until his parents die.

    I would reconsider this relationship

23. This will not get better.

    In 40 years you’ll look at him and realise he’s turned into one of his parents.

    You can choose now if you’ll have lived some other life or if you’ll have become one of them too.

24. He’s not going to change. Someone has to WANT to change. Does he want to change? It doesn’t seem like he does.

    You can’t control him. You can control your life by leaving.

25. leave. his choice to go down w ith them isnt yours. your life isnt his to decide you are their servant.

    save yourself and let them drown!

    you love him and thats ok but you cant stay in a sinking boat and be the only one that keeps it above water. thats not fair.

    youll feel better once you mourn him. let yourself feel the goodbye and then start looking towards building the life YOU want. its hard but you can do it. you HAVE to do this.

26. I am 50 F now, but when I was younger, I used to think that love could conquer all. Well, let me just tell you, it can’t. And after watching a few of my friends struggle with their relationships with their in-laws, there would be no way in hell that I would marry someone whose family hated me. Relationships are hard enough without having people out there actively trying to destroy your relationship.

    His parents sound like awful people but being that he’s an only child it makes it much harder for him to walk away from them. Not to mention, they’ve probably trauma bonded him to them with all the emotional and verbal abuse and manipulation. And with that many years of control, I don’t think he’ll fully choose you. Not to mention, I would not be surprised if he then uses the same type of manipulative tactics in his relationships because that’s what he grew up with.

    This is going to be an uphill battle for as long as they are alive. I personally think you should let him go and find someone who’s got their shit together and comes from a family with a healthy dynamic. And maybe by losing you he will put some distance between his parents so this doesn’t happen to him again. As long as you stay and put up with it, things will continue the same way because he does not have the guts to put his parents in their place.

27. Why are you with someone who isn’t in therapy trying to solve his issues?

28. >It’s directly impacting me now, sometimes I feel it’s time to leave. 

    You’re right. It’s time to leave.

    You have tried to show him how to set boundaries, and he has straight up said that he doesn’t want to. His parents could easily live into their eighties. Do you want to be doing this same dance when you’re 50? Or worse, what if his parents become too elderly to live alone and he wants to move in with them because they can’t afford assisted living?

    As long as you’re dating him, his parents are going to affect your life. If he won’t cut them off, you ultimately have to cut him off.