This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I AM STARTING MY OLD LADY VILLAGE
Meeting some coworkers this weekend to learn to crochet at a local coffee shop that has those nice reading chairs.
Next time, one of them is then going to instruct us in the art of canning.
I WILL YET BE A BOOOGGGG WITTCCHHHHH.
Pretty excited.
Also, a beautiful, book-loving man just liked me on Hinge and I think we’re going to fall in love and it will be ironic because of how much app-hate I’ve been giving lately.
I went on two dates with a guy, who has now taken over a day to respond about the date/time of the third date. We confirmed we were both free with no plans, so it was a simple yes/no. It’s annoyed me but I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, so I’ll go. I can feel that I’m a lot less interested in him.
Anyone else feel numb these days with dating online? I went on 8 dates the past few weeks (separate people) after a two month break and I felt nothing for anyone that I met. In fact all the dates that I went for this year, I felt no spark/chemistry or potential to want to continue with anyone except a couple of men. Continuing on the couple of men that I wanted to actually see where things would go (I did not like them right off the bat and there was some hesitation; but they were somewhere near to the kind of partner I am looking for so I was willing to go on a second date to see if things could progress), did not like me back/text me after date 1. It just feels SO exhausting having to do this over and over again. I feel numb to the whole process and even wonder if ANYONE will make me excited enough to want to be with them. Most of the times they are interested in me, but the texting fades down after a few days and there is no follow-up to make plans for date 2. Just wondering if I am being too uptight for not feeling anything for anyone…
My ex friend/situationship/whatever bullshit of 2 years hit me up this weekend after 6 weeks of no contact. They always come back, people. He caught me when I was out drinking and I absolutely lost my shit on him via text. The way he left things was so cruel to me and I just could not help myself even though he was trying to be somewhat reconciliatory. I really unloaded on him about how hurt I am and how he doesn’t take any responsibility for his part in things. Even after that he wanted to meet up in person and try to hash it out. I initially agreed but the next day felt such a shitty emotional hangover (and a bit of a real one lol) that I told him I’m not ready and maybe we’ll try again later. I don’t even really want to try again later I’m just so attached to this person we always start missing each other and go back into the same cycle.
But it’s like…. do we even miss each other? Are we just addicted to the chaos? Like I know he’s been out of town and doing things and now that he’s back he’s mostly just bored and that’s when he “misses me”. As sad as I’ve been the last few weeks it’s been a relief not having him in my life. Things are so simple. I don’t have to incorporate him into my plans or try to tiptoe around the fact that none of my friends like him or want him around. I’m going to try to hold my ground and keep things separate for now. Anyway. Have a good week DOT.
How long do you usually take to decide to match with or x someone who has sent you a like on Hinge?
I’m trying to be more intentional and not just swipe no immediately on guys I don’t find physically attractive and don’t have interesting profiles, because I need to be more realistic about what’s in my league, but I’ll just end up staring at the guy at the top of my pile for literally days, because I’m just looking at him thinking eh I do not fancy him but none of the guys I fancy, fancy me back so I need to try and date guys like this. And then I get so overwhelmed like I don’t want to match with this guy and talk to him but I don’t want to die alone so then I just close the app and it’s back to square one.
I’ve had about 80 likes in the two weeks I’ve had Hinge this time round and I haven’t matched with any of the guys who have sent me likes. I’ve swiped no on about 20 of them and the rest are just sitting there in a pile, giving me anxiety.
What do you call it when you and a person are having sex only? We only communicate when we are planning to meet up. When I text them, they only respond with a heart or a thumbs-up. Should I try to make it a relationship or leave it alone?
I just wanted to share my reflection with someone. I was in a shit relationship for ten years. He made everything about me seem like an inconvenience. My family, my presence, education, sex, just being together in general.
I’ve been seeing a guy now for just under two months. He’s wonderful. He’s kind. He has gone out of his way to make my life easier and better. He makes me feel desired and respected. He fucks like a goddamn champion. He seems close with his family and is into the fact that my family is close.
It’s not been two months and we are older so I’m not claiming he’s the one or anything. But damn I’ve enjoyed myself this far. If it ended tomorrow, I’d be nothing but thankful for the positive experience. It really has reminded me that it’s okay to want better.
For most of my 20s, I was with this guy who was manipulative and emotionally abusive. I didn’t see it as the time, but looking back its so clear. He destroyed my self-confidence, and ive been single for like 10 years now.
I’m 38 and have been gaining some confidence back. Recently started to use apps and try to date, but I have no idea what I’m doing lol. I don’t know how to manage talking to multiple people at the same time lol. Plus the guy I really want to try to build something with doesn’t really seem to be into it, and other seem too eagar.
Insomnia has been kicking my ass lately. I swear if I don’t get a good nights sleep I’m gonna enter a new dimension of psychosis.
Shout out to my fellow insomniacs out there. Who are struggling for whatever reason.
Dating in the 30s fking sucks. People ghost instead of being an adult and letting you know that they found someone else. I feel like these people waste my time, love, and energy. I can’t find anyone who’s all in like I am.
I’m moving to NYC soon so I set my Hinge location to NYC to get an idea of what the dating scene is like.
1) Hinge immediately filled my standouts exclusively with Asian men. This is bizarre to me – I don’t have any specific racial preference (my attraction is mostly based on personality and interests anyway – not physical type) and I didn’t even see this happen in SF where I lived a few years ago. I’m in an extremely white area right now so I didn’t really think much of it when most of my standouts were white in my current area, but this feels very jarring and confusing
2) I am really intimidated by the dating scene in NYC. I feel like there are more people I’d get on with well but at the same time, everyone seems really fit and I feel like the competition will be intense. I am not a competitive person and when I’m faced with significant competition I tend to just… like fold and give up. A bit worried how this may go for me.
Been dating this guy for a little over 3 months now and the past few times I’ve seen him it’s been really hard to refrain from dropping the L bomb. But then I think, am I truly in love with him yet, or do I love what I know and have experienced about him so far and am caught up in that NRE? I *feel* like I love him…but this is my first relationship that feels healthy and secure maybe ever. It’s been almost exactly 3 years since my marriage ended and while I’ve dated and certainly been infatuated, I haven’t felt like this. He’s wonderful with words of affirmation and affection but I have no idea how he feels about “love” other than him telling me a woman he briefly dated before me said she loved him after a week and it was too much lol.
Anyway, I’m kind of afraid I’ll blurt it out. But it feels like maybe it’s too soon? Like I said I don’t know exactly what his feelings are, but he makes me *feel* loved.
Which dating app(s) you prefer?
I decided to give another try to OkCupid, but usually there are lots of matches but almost no guy who would text first? I mean I don’t mind texting first but just that there is 0 enthusiasm on their side is annoying.
Also I don’t know why OkCupid destoys quality of the profile pictures I uploaded. When I click “edit” they look fine but then on the profile they are all terribly blurry
Everyone who has messaged me on Grindr today has been disrespectful, transphobic, or fetishistic.
I want to see the guy I’ve hooked up with a couple of times but I know when I do it’ll probably be the last time. I can’t do hookups without catching feelings and I can tell I’m heading there with him. He’s just incredibly sweet and we always talk about books and films, he has such a calmness to him and I feel very safe around him. Definitely gonna miss him and the sex.
I feel like I’m the only person who has a high sex drive/into physical touch who can’t do hookups.
And it seems like every profile I see on Hinge is of a man whose personality is abs/money and the ones who have something interesting about them aren’t interested in me.
It’s all just so exhausting.
I sometimes tend to talk too much when I’m nervous. My last ex made me feel about it, insofar as saying “you’re doing it again”. The woman I’m dating now says “I enjoyed listening please continue. I like when you talk about yourself, it helps me get to know and understand you more”
That shit was wild
I went on a date with a guy who just doesn’t like going to the doctor/dentist. I’m talking 5+ years since seeing the dentist.
For the love of god, take care of yourself!!
I can hear all the excuses, but what’s worse?? A root canal?
I met someone out in the wild at a friend’s birthday. We had so much fun and they tried to kiss me (they were very drunk so I wouldn’t anyways) but we have lifestyle incompatibilities. I think I know the answer to this one but a guy I briefly dated about a year ago checked in with a friendly catch up, he told me he’d been in therapy (reason we parted ways was coz of some unaddressed mental health shit) and had been working out a lot and was feeling great. Is this a suggestion of lingering romantic interest? I miss him, it’s got me in my head a bit. We are both due to go to a gig with some mutual friends in a couple of months so maybe I’ll see what the vibe is. I always tend to assume men aren’t interested lol but not sure why
Just saw a guy with a fish pic on Hinge. But I paused for the first time instead of rolling my eyes. It’s a really impressive fish. Absolutely dating profile worthy. I am shook
I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with me internally. For context, married my high school girlfriend for 15 years and this is the first woman where we are planning a third date.
Had two dates (coffee, activity – just bye hugs and she reached out to work on date 3). Conversational chemistry is definitely there. The problem is that I’m trying to figure out if I’m emotionally guarded (therapist says no), if I need a deeper connection to feel attraction (need more data or some insight), or I’ve trained my brain to stay away from those feelings/thoughts, between training my eyes not to wander during my marriage and then working in an equally-split, well-populated workplace and foster friendships with everyone there.
Would love some questions, comments, or anecdotes to kickstart this introspection.
I live in a city in the Pacific Northwest and I swear I just see the same men over and over on the apps, even if I swipe left or X them out. I’ve taken long breaks and come back just to see the same people again. Do I need to move to find someone? 😅
Been dating an amazing man for two months and I’m nervous to have the DTR talk. He feels like my bf already (talk/text daily and hang out every weekend) but I don’t presume anything. I’m so torn for bringing it up or just waiting for him too. Any thoughts?
What do you want the person you’re seeing to say to you?
I had done what yall recommended and texted my mom that I was going to see where the day takes me on Thanksgiving instead of making plans with her. I said I’d be around putting my tree up and mentioned a place that is going carry out. She liked the message but didn’t respond. I know she is upset because I’ve known her my entire life.
I had a job interview today and my mom isn’t speaking to me so didn’t ask me how it went. I really need to branch out and not rely on my family for emotional support. I’d like to have an SO I can talk about life stuff and daily events with. It’s starting to feel weird that I don’t have that. I just wish I didn’t get the silent treatment for something I feel is reasonable. I don’t think I can rely on my parents emotionally at all. I will be there for them when they need physical care.
I’m so sad and can’t shake the feeling. Why would you act as my bf and then say you’re not ready the moment i ask where our relationship is going???
I hate feeling heartbroken ugh
I’m honestly wondering if I should break up with the guy I’ve been seeing for a few months or give it a couple more months / go thru the holidays.
I’ve written out how I’ve been feeling & made a pros/cons list and honestly it’s shocking how strongly I feel about the cons. Most of it also boils down to I just am not romantically attracted to him and see him as only a friend.
I’d like to remain friends with him but that would obv be up to him.
I’m only thinking of remaining with him for a couple more months just because?? Like I know in my heart and mind that I don’t see a future, but it feels difficult and somehow mean to just break up with him rn.
I mean how do I even approach this? I haven’t broken up with someone in over a decade.
Any advice on how to go about breaking up is appreciated.
EDIT: I agree I need to break up with him ASAP. I just was expressing it makes me feel bad even tho I understand I won’t magically feel better about it in a few months.
Omg I matched with this guy and he invited me to meet for a coffee. And I am all: so excited, nervous but also feel like it’s not the best idea since I already see how we are not a good match or most probably I will be turned down by him after lol
He is SO good looking, like way out of my league. A surfer, this very cool sweet guy working with kids. And I love all of that (except of him being out of my league) and I do have this sweet innocent side (I hope) too. But next to this guys, I feel like I don’t even know how to say I am a villain? I am so intense and damaged in so many ways and into so many non chill things.
Heard back from weekend date, but couldn’t make last minute plans to grab some food and drinks tonight. I worked on office projects Sat/Sun, and sort of wanted to sneak one last date in before my kids come back from their mom’s. No luck. Person and I had some chemistry, so I thought it might be worth fitting in another date soon after.
Lunch with ex was nice, but complex. She confirmed breaking off our ‘situationship’ because she knew I still loved her, and seemed deliberate in not saying the same thing back. I don’t think she feels ‘that way’ about me anymore. At the same time, she was deeply emotional during the meal, and wanted to ride with me to get coffee afterward. She keeps seeking me out. But I don’t think it’s smart for me guess at why. Rather I will take her at her word, and keep dating around.
I decided to not match with the guy with a good comment but questionable politics and attractiveness. Feeling good about protecting my time and energy and reserving it for someone more aligned to come along.
(unprompted) text from Reddit Guy:
“If you still want your guts rearranged my schedule clears up after 7 tonight but it would have to be at your place.”
(Reader, I have never requested this.)
“Reaming you out like a melonballer while my son is in the next room is generally considered bad parenting.”
WHAT
WHY
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN **MEAN**
IS THIS WHEN WE USE THE BLOCK??
**Update**: I had chatgpt write me this:
Respectfully, Get Lost in the Yellow Wood
Two paths diverged in a yellow wood,
And you showed up—far sooner than you should.
Your line was cute. Your timing? Not so much.
I paused, but mostly just to check as such
If this was real… and yes, you thought it was good.
So there we stood. I weighed it as I could:
One path meant nodding just to keep things smooth,
A tiny “sure” I knew I couldn’t soothe.
The other kept my day just as it was—
Simple, quiet, working out the way it should.
I took that route. My stride stayed mine because
Not every ask deserves a yes or grin.
And you’ll recover—confidence still wins.
So no hard feelings, really—wish you well.
Just heading on the trail you misunderstood.
And now the closing line you know so well:
Respectfully, get lost in the yellow wood.
I added, “That said, I think we are looking for different things, so good luck out there. 🫡”
He replied, “Take it easy.”
😒😒😒😒🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Poll time: If someone matches with you 1-3 months after you sent a like, either because they paused the app in the interim, had something going on in their life, or finally decided to get behind the paywall, would you be willing to respond and chat?
Deleted our whatsapp thread today (I’d already deleted his number) because I need to remove that final connection to him and eliminate the urge to reach out. It’s sad because that was the last place that *we* lived, but I know it was for the best.
Now if I can just stop the yearning I think I can begin to really move on.
31 nb update: we are So Back!
I took some time to get over the last person I dated (only 7 weeks but still felt tired and drained by something that seemed decent ending); had a lukewarm date with a woman who unmatched me afterward lol.
BUT I am going on a date tomorrow w 34nb! This is the first First Date I’ve been actively excited about in…I don’t know how long! We’ve been texting, the text chemistry is great, and I think they’re hot. We Shall See but wish me luck :’) it is tough getting on the merry go round again! I will keep you updated 🫡
My therapist visit didn’t bring many new insights today. Not a problem, not all sessions are meant to be eye openers.
But man, getting general advice that boils down to ‘just live your life, invest in the people you care about, keep showing up, and work on your career/future’ doesn’t feel like what I need. I mean, it’s sound advice, but it’s not like I’m not already doing this. It’s not like if I do it even more then this invisible ‘girlfriend-o-meter’ finally fills up completely and she suddenly spawns in front me.
I need to work on my cognitive dissonance regarding wanting to give romantic love/care and not being able to put it anywhere. It’s driving me up the wall and I hate this feeling. And the worst part is the only option I can see to stop feeling it altogether with no partner in my life is simply not an option. Never was, never will be.
Had gotten off the apps but the same week I did that a girl in my hobby group and I hit it off. Great physical chemistry. Fast forward 5 weeks and I ended things because she had asked about exclusivity/labeling things. The more I thought about it the more I realized I really didn’t want to be tied down to a relationship. She seemed quite upset and hurt, which I figured because things were going well and I’m sure to her this seemed out of nowhere. I did ask if she wanted to keep things casual but she wasn’t interested
Question: our hobby group meets weekly. Probably 50 people there. She has many friends at this group, I met all of them and I got along well with them, we’d hang out outside the hobby group too. I have a few friends of my own at this group but they don’t go as consistently. I’m thinking of skipping this upcoming week, since it’ll have only been a week since I ended things. What would you do?
I’m starting to feel like the only person in the world who does not have nor want kids at my age and I’m 33. Everyone that seems plausible has kids or wants them. I know this as a deal breaker is killing me in an already dry pool of candidates and it’s relatively unreasonable at my age to expect someone to not have kids but this is my hard line and I’ll stand by it. That and smoking. It rules out 99% of people apparently. Just those two things. I’m just feeling lonely in being and wanting to stay child free. I know men exist who also don’t want or have them but where are they? 😟
I really hope I get this new job I applied for.
My current job gives me very little time (or energy) for dating. It would be such a nice change of pace.
Also I need someone to tell me to take care of myself. Like some Elle Woods, girl power energy.
Edit: or maybe Edna Mode
Guys, I got two more questions:
– what topics do you usually discuss on the 1st date? Or even before?
I get an impression that the general compromise is to be light. But I feel very underwhelmed now even before the 1st date as we didn’t chat about any topics among those that matter to me. I think my big fear is that a guy would be “positive vibes only” or apolitical, even if he has some political preferences. I try to calm myself down and think that maybe people will show those sides later. But it’s very hard to see someone more than what they show. Also makes it seem it must mean those topics are not important to them.
– when do you usually feel comfortable sleeping/having sex with someone? I really want to wait next time as long as possible for many reasons, including getting attached + it is amazing to have sex after building all that tension. BUT I don’t feel like I can, because I feel there is so much pressure to do it asap when meeting a guy through an app.
Hey friends, I (37F) started dating a man (45M) a few weeks back. His dietary habits are extremely strange and he only eats steamed organic potatoes (maybe 5- 10 a day), organic bananas (6-20 a day), and organic dates. The only diet I could find that aligned was the 80/10/10 diet. When I asked him if he was familiar, he said yes but it is not what he’s doing. He said I’d have to sign an NDA for him to share more since he is well known/successful in a particular industry (non food/health related). What in the world is going on here??