I’m not sure about my feelings anymore. I’ve been in a 10-year relationship. We met as teenagers at 16 when he did an exchange year at my school. I eventually moved countries for him in my late teens after being kicked out by my family. I arrived with nothing, had to rebuild my life from scratch, learn a new language, work whatever jobs I could, and deal with being shunned by my own family. He and his family supported me coming here at a young age of course. Such a big change wouldn’t have happened without support. He gave me hope back then. I was in love and I believed we could build something together.
But despite all the good parts of being young and in love, I very early on, I realized that loving him would also be emotionally heavy. He grew up with an alcoholic mother and a father with intense anger issues. In the early years he threw tantrums, yelled, and once got so worked up after oversleeping for work that he threw a laundry basket and dislocated his shoulder. I tried waking him that morning, but the anger still came my way. Because I grew up with a mother who behaved similarly, I’d freeze instantly. Even now, when he’s stressed, something in me reacts automatically despite my 'calm exterior'.
He has always struggled with waking up, staying consistent, procrastinating, and managing stress. He failed two bachelor programs early on, had to restart somewhere else, and is now still finishing his Master’s degree. I never judged him for any of this, but now it’s hard to have a finger pointed at me after I personally have done so much work in migrating here, and it feels like he doesn't see it. His part-time job is flexible, so he can sleep in whenever he wants, which unfortunately feeds the cycle. I’ve spent years being the one who grounds him emotionally, talks him through his spirals, and keeps things stable. His alcohol issues have improved, and he no longer yells at me, but when he gets overwhelmed.. it can be with de silliest of things, the alarm in my body still goes off.
There have been times inbetween jobs for me in the 10 years, where he would act like it was the end of the world and we were going to end up on the streets. It never took me too long to find something. His reaction was always to panic which would put me in a bad state mentally. I thought that maybe this time around I could handle it since I am used to handling that he is a person that could jump to worse conclusions quickly and panic when times get hard.
During all of this, I’ve been building my own life. I learned the language and dialect, created community from zero, worked job after job, and eventually figured out what I wanted to study. I graduated this September, which felt huge after everything I had gone through alone.
Before graduation, we celebrated our 10-year anniversary with a trip. He was on edge the most of the time – worrying about what we were doing next instead of being present. After that, my high-school friend visited, then my family came (for the first time in a decade). Their visit meant the world to me, but he was mostly stressed and irritated. He kept focusing on finances, even though for three years I used my student aid to support both of us, while he ran out of money early every month because he couldn’t put in more hours and often slept in. I planned everything for my family and friend; he showed up stressed and sometimes blamed me for the timing or planning.
Since September, I’ve been applying for jobs. He’s called me lazy for not finding something immediately. That has destroyed my mental state. I feel emotionally empty. I’ve tried sitting him down so many times to talk, and every time he just lies there with nothing to say or just agrees and says he heard me.
For the first time in our relationship, I brought up taking a break. He doesn’t want that. He says we can fix things together and that he will support me no matter what I decide. But I feel like we both need space to grow outside of this dynamic. He wonders what changed in these last few weeks, meanwhile I feel like a broken record.
The timing is terrible.. I finished school, my funding ended, and I am financially dependent on him right now. The idea of leaving scares me: losing him, losing our home, losing the community we built, and losing his family who I’m extremely close to. But the idea of staying also feels suffocating at times and I fear that the older me might wonder about the ''what if''.
I love him deeply. I don’t want to hurt him. But after 10 years, I’m burnt out and I don’t know what my next step should be. Now that I have mentioned a break he has taken initiative by being more gentle and by writing things down that I “expect” and talking about them once a week but I have a hard time thinking that will change anything.. which I feel so bad for.
Ps – It’s not all black and white in our relationship of course – this is a summary of why I feel burnt out atm. If it was for him he is fine with things as they are and wants to be with me 24/7 but something in me feels constantly anxious cause he is always operating on stress. He says it is part of him each time we talk, that he grew up that way.
How can I evaluate whether this relationship is still healthy for me, and what steps can I take to protect my well-being while I’m financially dependent on him?
TL;DR: Together 10 years, met as teens. I moved countries for him and rebuilt my life. He comes from a difficult family background and used to have explosive reactions, which left lasting effects on me. Things improved, but he still struggles with stress, consistency, and being emotionally present. I’ve been the emotional anchor while building my own life. After I graduated this year, he reacted with stress and name calling for not finding a job immediately, which deeply affected me. I feel burnt out and unsure how to move forward in the relationship, especially since I’m financially dependent on him right now.