I took two gap years at university and have social anxiety because of having ADHD, so I was a loner for almost a year. I'm not some neckbeard taking a weekly shower though. Taking good care of myself is one of my few enjoyments in life, like keeping a routine, working out and staying fit, fashion, and grooming.

I started to make new friends early this year, and this girl 'Joe' was one of them. Joe seemed to recognize me outside the lecture room or smile at me while passing by at the hallway, and finally came to talk to me first by asking aren't we at the same lecture. She was extroverted and knew many people in the department. We talked multiple times in a group, but it felt more like acquaintance than a friend.

Then from September, when the current semester started, I got along with her more often. She constantly acknowledged me by saying hello first and catching me sneaking out after the lecture to walk together in her group. She even got very pissed when I forgot to mention her as one of my friends. I almost always went to the department lounge with my friend 'Mark' to study after lectures, and she started to join us frequently.

And beware, I know this part can be really weird and creepy. I subtly felt like Joe was dressed a bit more revealing when around us. She was wearing a hoody or a long-sleeve in lectures, but when she caught up with us after lecture, she was always wearing a crop top, sleeveless, deep v-neck shirts and so on. She always took off her outer clothes or change and came back when she came to the lounge with us. I never saw her dressed like that when she was in other groups.

Since I never talked much with women, I became awkward with her being around like that. Moreover, ADHD causes Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, so for me, a person I knew for a while is much more uncomfortable than a total stranger (because I'm aware I might be annoying and people start to hate me, ashamed, feeling like a burden to the group).

While I was all stiff, Joe mostly talked with Mark. Soon I became almost silent for the whole time while she was yapping with Mark for an hour. I thought maybe she likes Mark, or at least they are becoming good friends while I'm the burdening outsider of the group. I started to leave the group shortly after she joins us to make space for them. Just in case Mark likes her back, I avoided Joe by herself too if possible. She seemed to notice it but kept saying hello first. It was awkward because I acted like I didn't even realize her existence but occasionally had to talk with her (for example, doing assignments together).

Then on Halloween, me, Mark, Joe, and an another girl Nancy were studying for the mid-term in the library group study room. Suddenly the dating topic came out. Mark and Nancy talked about their SO, and then Nancy asked me about my love life. I said "I never thought about it," since I had never been in a relationship before and never even happened to like anyone at all.

Then Nancy asked Joe. Joe talked about how the department she is minoring have so many drama, and our department should have drama too. She then said being delusional with someone for a while, and they would later talk about it further only by themselves because it's 'girls talk'. But she additionally said "Mark knows him" and Mark said "Yeah."

I thought that meant it was about Mark, but later that night while us four were hanging around, I found out that Mark was a gay with a boyfriend and Joe already knew about it. I concluded Joe has a crush on one of the friends she has in lectures.

So I got much more comfortable with her, but in contrast, Joe seemed to have become a bit awkward with me. She didn't actively acknowledge me or strike up conversation much as before, so I had to talk first to solve the awkwardness. It didn't go well because of my social anxiety and I started to think that she became annoyed with me and fed up being a friend.

Then this Friday, I was doing an assignment until late night in the lounge with just Mark and Joe. She seemed to be in a good mood that day and we talked a lot, so it felt like it was just my misunderstanding that she hated me.

While I was still on my assignment, Mark and Joe had a short break at the other side of the room. Recalling my fuzzy memory, it was like:

Joe: "I'm not a person who likes to gossip! I like to HEAR others gossiping."

Mark: "Well, did you know Jake has a girlfriend? A girl sitting behind him in (whatever) lecture."

Joe: "That's not surprising." (And she said something but can't remember much.)

(A few back and forth conversations, and it was something about Joe at the end.)

Mark: "Yeah, it's better not to talk about THAT gossip when he's in the room."

Joe: "True… It seems like he has something to tell me but he's not."

I was very confused because I was the only other person in the room. But then it seemed weird because they were talking loud enough for me to hear in the quiet room. They also said "the room" not "this room", so it might not be the room I was in. Maybe 'he' Mark mentioned could be actually me, but the other 'he' Joe was talking about was different, and they didn't want me to know what was happening because I'm an outsider.

This was a long ass post. But in conclusion, I want to know

  1. Can they be talking about me? If it is, would it be a love topic?
  2. Is there a possibility that she might be interested in me?
  3. Do I seem to have a romantic interest, or a 'crush' on her? I have no experience so I couldn't tell myself. Maybe it's a form of an anxious attachment with a friend, or I'm craving validation from relationship with literary anyone since I have never dated before.


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