This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.

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39 comments

  2. Feel like having a pity party, feel free to join.

    I 31f am struggling, I have brought my woahs here before and received some great advice. I’m actively working on myself trying to get better about putting myself out there. But focusing on myself, not relying on validation from others.

    I consider myself fairly attractive, well kept, decent career, active though I could lose 20lbs (going to the gym working with PT).

    I’m just struggling with the idea there is something wrong with me. Am I too much? Not enough? Bad energy?

    I just keep matching with men that want to be pen pals, haven’t been on a date in 2 months and feel blind to anyone in real life that may actually like me. What am I missing???

  3. I really just don’t want to feel like this anymore. It’s been almost two weeks, I feel like I shouldn’t still be this upset over a break up. I’ve tried everything that has worked with previous exes, thinking over all the things I didn’t like about the relationship, journaling, trying to distract myself. Nothing is working.

    I can feel myself spiralling into a depression and I’m incapable of stopping it.

  4. My best piece of advice is to lock in on someone good when you have them, rather than over analyzing to think if you could “do better”.

    After a lot of time and a lot of things going nowhere (I think I had over 100 first dates from late 2020 to late 2022), I met the woman I’ve been with since then. She is different from who I had envisioned being with in a few ways, but she is wonderful and I love her. And I was thinking about something that I have done in the past, and has been done to me, and probably impacts a lot of people.

    You want someone you’ll be happy with, and if you are an overthinker, you might think “is this person the best I can do?” And whether or not they are, you’ll likely find flaws (everyone has flaws) and overthink them. And that can really tear down things that are overall great. I even did that with this woman, and nearly ended things a few times, but she was able to help me get proper perspective and I am grateful for that. So if you find someone you’re happy with, hold onto that. Figure out if the problems are real problems or minor things you can work through / imperfections that aren’t really a big deal. Don’t try to min/max, as gamers would say.

    Perfection is the enemy of good. Don’t “settle” for someone who is just ok, who you can live with, but once someone is truly good enough (not “good enough” that you have to convince yourself of, actually good and valuable), hold onto that and make it work. I am glad that I did.

  5. I have slowed down on using Hinge and FB Dating (which I started using a few months ago). After a lot of fade-outs and non-starters, I am getting discouraged by the dating scene again.

    I work from home and have two kids who stay with me most of the weekend so I don’t socialize much, but I have slowly tried doing more out of the house (like going to a silent book club on occasion).

    Overall, it’s been a hard/slow process of finding ways to naturally meet people outside of the apps.

  6. I don’t know how people feel about this: but I think most people frustrated by dating should learn to enjoy their own company. I’ve seen a lot of other people’s relationships fail in life and I think a majority of romantic relationships have a shelf-life.

    I’ve been frustrated by dating because of my lack of success over the 15 years with it. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I accept that I’m not as handsome or as charismatic as some of my male peers are but it feels impossible sometimes.

    But after I turned 30 a few years ago, I find myself giving less and less of a shit. I live life on my own terms now. I feel more independent than ever.

    I am still trying to date but I accept that I may not have the sort of things to offer to the type of woman I’m interested in. And that’s fine.

  7. I need to stop daydreaming about an engagement – we’ve only been together 6 months! But it’s so fun to think about, and we both know we’re headed in that direction (based on conversations, we’re moving in together soon, etc). Logically, I know we need more time to be certain. I’m just so excited to spend my life and have a family with this person!

  8. “No matter what challenges you face, no matter what happens, know there are people who love you.”

    Talk about a cryptic last message. I keep rereading that. 😐

  9. Bake a batch of croissants for my boyfriend this morning. The kitchen smells so good. He said it’s far better than the croissant we got from the bougie bakery last week, even though I kept complaining that this batch wasn’t up to my standards. He still thinks this batch is great!

  10. Realizing that the guy I “really like” is the one paying me the least attention and not trying at all to get more dates. 😅😅 why am I like this?

    Literally dating some other wonderful people has a few dates, has consistent communication, but I “want” the one I had a halfway good first date with that hasn’t asked me on a second. (And yes I have told him I want a second date a few times so I have communicated my feelings).

    Using quotes because I don’t know the man so who knows if I really like him or want him. Honestly probably not since he doesn’t want me around. 🤣

  11. Had our second date yesterday. I planned a board game cafe because he’s really into board games and we had such a fun time! Then we went and got a pizza, followed by a bar where I got to kiss him again, he’s so physically into me which is lovely because I’m a very physical person. Held my hand on the way back to his – I’ve really missed holding hands, it’s been years. We went back to his and slept together which was wonderful, very compatible there and it’s so nice for someone else to initiate things. He complimented me a lot, made me feel like he was genuinely into me. Third date planned – an exhibit about the occult.

    We went for breakfast and he waited 20 minutes with me for my bus, gave me a kiss and hug goodbye.

    I text him to say I had a lovely time and am really looking forward to seeing him again. He replied an hour later to say he didn’t have a gut click and doesn’t see us fitting together vibe wise. He apologised, it was a nice enough message.

    Now I’m just running through everything in my head to figure out what I did wrong, if I came on too strong, if I’m too much, if I’m not enough. Why does this always happen to me when none of my friends struggle like this. Is it just a crazy coincidence that he figured out we aren’t compatible once we’d had sex? Did he dislike sleeping with me or was he just trying to get laid? Grindr is such a prevalent part of gay life, he wouldn’t have to go on Hinge and lie about wanting a long term relationship to get laid but is that what happened? I find it so hard to believe that someone is into me and with him I did genuinely think he liked me, I did honestly believe the things he said. Now I don’t know what to think but I feel awful.

  12. Baked some peanut butter cookies for Bible study – I hope I don’t accidentally poison him, it was way out of my comfort zone to bake for outsiders. I chose to try this to see how far my domestic skills go.

  13. I deleted our pictures today and put the physical objects (cards, letters, birthday gifts) away and out of sight. Many tears were shed in the process.

    Something I haven’t mentioned is that he came over a week before the actual break-up to break up with me. We were able to talk and agree to give the relationship another chance (silly, in retrospect. I should have let him go). So, he gave me a week. That’s it. And I didn’t pass the test. Looking back, I got broken up with twice. Cruel, man.

    I’ve had two significant break-ups this year, so I’m definitely going to lay low and see how I feel after the new year before I jump back on the OLD horse.

  14. I want that tingly feeling of falling again. I miss that feeling so much. But instead of happily chasing it now, I am terrified of it. Terrified that I’ll be so desperate I’ll grab ob to the first time it comes and hold on for dear life just to fill the emptiness…
    How can I enjoy just being a person in the world meeting other people who share this space without spiraling?

  16. Had a coffee date last weekend. We’re very different people, but we were cracking jokes and talking super easily for a couple of hours before we went “oh shit” and realized she had to peel off for work. I bought us breakfast since it was my idea, and she returned the favor by sneakily buying me a bag of beans I’d mentioned I wanted to try while we were killing time after ordering. Sweet and totally unnecessary.

    No idea if we’ll see each other again, but we’re both recently out of long-term things and I think we’d be a fun, safe casual thing for us to both dip our toes into.

  17. I’ve been trying to help him with his spanish learning so I’ve been using google translate and sending all my messages back to him in Spanish. I’m such an amazing almost-girlfriend 🥺 Someone did ask us in person the other day how long “we’ve been together” and rather than act evasively and say “oh, we’re just friends” or “oh, we just started casually seeing each other”, he quickly responded with “a month” And the guy who asked that question responded with, “Wow only a month? I thought you guys were together for longer!” So I’m not sure if that is good or just neutral. We haven’t had any talks of being official yet. I know we will need to eventually make a decision, but I’m pretty slow with it right now because of life changes. I do like how often he mentions he wants to cuddle me. It lets me know he misses me even when we saw each other two days ago lol. He is very consistent. I just wish he’d compliment me sometimes, especially when I put in effort to look hot, but then again that’s something that’s a plus—not a requirement.

  19. Had date #6 which included a sleepover and great sex. Starting to develop real feelings for this person which is freaking me out. They told me they aren’t sleeping with anyone else which feels good…but I am not sure what they are looking for longer term?. We both expressed that we want to move slow and that we want to have things unfold organically. But I feel like I need to know if they see me as a FWB or if this could develop into something more? Should I just ask bluntly? I understand that if I ask I need to be prepared to hear the answer and act accordingly…

  20. Was confronted with the reality that my life is too uninteresting to be able to create a compelling dating profile. Pausing for the foreseeable future until I can project a persona that doesn’t feel fake

  21. I’m not looking for more people to date, because I have two that I’m seeing atm, but I was at a career event today and there was a girl I talked to in a break. Later, we kept making eye contact, and she stopped me afterwards just to chat. We talked a few more times and I could swear she was a bit into me. Cute girls don’t usually stop me as I walk by to make causal conversation. I got her LinkedIn which is probably not an appropriate place to ask someone out.

    Weird how this stuff happens when you’re not really looking for it. Maybe it’s the “energy” you give off, or just that I’ve been dressing better…

  22. Saw a cute guy with an interesting prompt on Hinge.

    Trying to think of a funny comment to the prompt.

    Thought for too long.

    Phone screen turns off.

    Turn screen back on, and Hinge refreshes the profile away…😭

  23. I sent a text I was debating all day and it looks like it’s going to stay on read. This seems so out of nowhere to me but I must have missed something.

    I wasn’t looking to date at all but this whole situation is making me think I should finally get on the apps and try it out for real. I didn’t realize how much I missed connecting with people romantically.

  24. I posted about this while ago regarding initiating to my crush and was told he isn’t interested in me…my intuition was yeah he may not but stubborn myself wanted a verbal confirmation so I did it anyway and I got politely rejected!
    He said that his answer is the same, he’s not in a good place to date, thinking about moving away for a career and can’t do long distance. He didn’t lead me on, and I truly respect his words but now I can’t stop kicking myself at night feeling of embarrassment…”answer is the same”..SAME?!! Reason is few months back I was jokingly asked him if he is interested in me and he did say he’s not looking for date/relationship at the time because of the same reason but I wasn’t actually asking or expressing my feelings to him at the moment…and I became a person that tried again and got rejected twice…just feel so stupid and embarrassed..

  25. I’ve been chatting back and forth with a guy since the end of Oct. on his last message, he wanted to exchange numbers so we could text because he’s not good at checking the app, also suggested a date! But, now it’s been two and a half days since I gave him my number and I haven’t heard back yet. Im sure he’s busy (he has two younger kids full time), but I’m dyyyiiinng to hear back. Do I keep waiting or message him? I’m not even sure what I would say if I did. I also have a young kid, so I’m totally understanding of how much time they take.

  26. Made myself and my housemates sandwiches for dinner and they turned out incredible. Made me feel really fulfilled.

  27. I’m so exhausted from dating at this point.
    It feels like every time I try to put myself out there, it’s just dud after dud. And the ONE time someone actually seemed normal, consistent, and genuinely interested, he just… disappears. No warning, no “hey I’m not feeling it,” nothing. Just unmatched out of nowhere literally hours before we were supposed to meet. Like… why? Why not just communicate? Why pretend to be excited if you’re going to bail?

    I know it’s “just dating,” but honestly this is taking a real toll on my mental health. I keep trying, I keep showing up authentically, I keep letting myself hope maybe this time will be different, and every time it’s the same cycle of disappointment. I’m so tired of caring, tired of getting invested, tired of being optimistic just to get blindsided. It’s exhausting being the person who actually wants something real in a dating world full of people who vanish the second things get real.

    I just feel defeated. And I hate that dating can make me feel this low.

  28. Why is it all so much work? How do you know you are ready? How do i stop feeling like a mother and more like a woman again? Why is flirting so goddamn fun? Does anyone have the answers? 😮‍💨

  29. A year ago, I was abruptly dumped, losing both a boyfriend and a longtime friend. I had been single for about a decade until then, so it was extra devastating… buuuut it was for the best because we wouldn’t have worked out anyway. I’m grateful we broke up because it led me to my now boyfriend, who is an absolute dream 🥰

  30. Finally decided to hook up with the hot guy with the literally perfect body. He turned out to also be very sweet and respectful. Zero regrets.

  31. Throwaway. Ish. I don’t have a reddit account.

    I’m 32M and I’ve never been in a relationship. I always thought I was somewhat decent looking, but I guess not. My friends say I’m a decent dude and seem confused how I am still single, so they’re clearly just fluffing my ego now. There has to be something wrong. Something I have neglected to fix. I got a decent job making great money, I got four different friend groups I juggle, I make a point of going out at least once or twice a week to hit the bars and talk to women. Women give me numbers all the time, but never respond when I reach out.

    What the fuck else do I need to fix? I know I’m supposed to be happy alone. And I usually am, it’s just that when society is like “hey you should have a partner” I feel like shit.

    I’ve gone on dates with women I have zero attraction towards for the sake of being on a date. Should I just accept that I need to drop my standards to the level of women willing to go on a date with me and get a Viagra prescription to make…literally anything happen?

    [https://imgur.com/a/7Dopm6n](https://imgur.com/a/7Dopm6n)

  32. I attended a Singles mingle on Sunday that was fun. It was intimidating to walk in. Everyone else seemed already situated and happily conversing. Forcing myself to join a group was not easy. I thought about just turning around and going home but I stayed the whole time and am glad I did.

    Every table just had one woman surrounded by 3-4 guys though. It was hard not to feel performative or the subtle hint of competition.

  33. Y’all I can’t keep chickening out like this.

    The last 2-3 times I’ve been around this guy I have told myself I am going to ask him out. And every time I’m trying to talk myself into it my brain goes “you’ve been obvious enough; if he was interested he’d have asked you” so I just focus on enjoying myself.

    But then we just talk and carry on and are flirty and friendly and I catch him watching me and being in my space in so many ways and this stupid cycle starts all over again.

  34. Had a nice date with someone who seems sweet last week and have another date on the books for this weekend! Both early 30s. I’m excited but also nervous. We haven’t talked about anything sexual yet (which is different than what I’ve experienced, but apparently it means he may actually be trying to get to know me as a person), and I am into some…non-mainstream things (long story short, vanilla sex does not please me, I can’t really help that). I would love to be able to stop looking, but agh anxiety. And of course I want to be sure I’m actually compatible with someone and not just rush to get out of the dating world. Eeep nerves

  35. He really hurt me and validated a lot of my insecurities. What gets my goat is he did it two years in a row.

    On the bright side, I’ve booked another trip to the arctic for next spring. I was up there on the western side earlier this year, something about the remoteness really resets your outlook on life. This time will be in the east!

  36. I wish I was in a good enough space to meet somebody. Been a tough couple years. Spent nearly a year and a half unemployed and even though I’m back working again my nervous system is now completely shot.

    Re-downloaded Bumble and just being on there makes me get down on myself. Because I don’t really know what I’m looking for besides feeling safe, I’m not really drawn to anyone and I’m really afraid of the whole intimacy and connection process (Long story I’ve chronicled that in my post before). I probably shouldn’t be focused on this given where I’ve been recently. Just time keeps passing and it’s only going to get harder approaching forty and having no relationship experience as an adult. And I just feel lonely, distant and it eats away at me regardless if I can handle it or not. And the irony is I probably can’t unless I met someone who was really gentle, open and patient.

    It’s out there. I’m just not confident I’ll be able to see it/receive it when it shows up.

  37. I’m not willing to compromise on my politics and this is definitely limiting my dating pool. I don’t even care about appearances, I just want someone who understands my perspective when it comes to basic human rights and compassion. Maybe in a few years when I move to a different area, I’ll find someone

  38. I’ll be getting an end of year bonus, and I’m considering getting my girlfriend (dating ~8 months) a new iPhone for the following reasons:
    – I love her and want to do something nice for her
    – Her current iPhone is 6 years old. It can’t hold a charge, such that she often has to turn it off when we are out together to conserve battery in case she needs to use it to navigate home
    – It’s old enough that it uses the lightning charger, which means it’s not compatible with any of my chargers or power bricks (or the rest of the world’s, as we’ve all moved to USB-C)

    However, I know that gift-giving is not a love language of hers, and she comes from a very poor upbringing and tends to be quite frugal (even though she does well for herself now). I worry that rather than this being a nice and practical gesture, it will make her uncomfortable. I also don’t want her to feel like she has to reciprocate by getting me an equally costly gift.

    I know the issues about chargers and holding a charge can be mitigated by just buying her lightning cable specific chargers and powerbricks to use at my house or keep in my purse. But…I just feel like…why buy this stuff for a 6 year old phone? Why not just get a new phone?

    I know it’s not my call about whether or not she needs a new phone, and I don’t want to be one of those people who makes the gift giving about them, not the recipient.

    What are your thoughts?

    **EDIT**: I forgot to mention, she really likes taking photos, particularly of the two of us (or me lol). She will sometimes print these out and frame or hang them around her apartment. I feel like a new phone would be an amazing upgrade to her camera.

    **EDIT 2**: We are going on a 6 day trip right after New Year’s and I feel like travel and trip logistics will be so much less stressful if she has a phone she doesn’t need to babysit. Plus we can take cute photos 🥹

  39. Does anyone else have the issue of not really being attracted to someone else they’re genuinely better than you at some things? But then… them being in another league, they want someone in their league? Not even about looks, like at all. I’m talking: education, intelligence, stability, talent, humour?

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