i’ve been with my boyfriend for two years now, and lately everything just feels you know different. we fight almost every week, and instead of fixing things, it feels like each argument just makes us drift further apart. during fights, he says stuff like he misses being single, or that he wishes we never happened in the first place. it hurts every time, and even though we make up after, i can’t unhear those words.
our relationship isn’t all bad. sometimes he’s so sweet and clingy and tells me how much he loves me. but if i’m being honest, that only happens maybe a third of the time now. the rest of the time, he’s distant. it’s like he suddenly doesn’t want to acknowledge me as his girlfriend. he brings up his old crushes or friends, or how his life was back when we met, and he talks about them like he misses that version of his life, like what he has right now isn’t what he wanted. i try to listen, because i know as his girlfriend i should be there for him, but it honestly makes me feel small. unwanted. like i’m not what he really wants anymore.
he says things like “i think i’d be better off without you” or “our relationship doesn’t even feel like a real girlfriend-boyfriend thing.” and when he says that, i spiral. i start overthinking everything. i question myself, i question us. i tell him how confused and hurt i feel, not to blame him, but because i just need clarity. but when i do, it turns into a fight. he’ll say things like, “you think i’d be here if i didn’t want you?” or “after everything i’ve done for you, you still think that way?” and then he says i never notice what he does for me, which isn’t true at all. i notice. i appreciate him. i only bring things up because his words and actions don’t match sometimes, and it messes with my head.
after fights, he never really reassures me or takes back what he said (if he didn’t mean it). he just leaves it hanging because to him “it doesnt matter” and “he doesnt care” and it makes me wonder if he actually meant those things. now, i get anxious whenever i try to open up, because i’m scared of how he’ll react. whenever i feel jealous or upset about something, it turns into a bigger issue, suddenly i’m the one who always “fusses about every little thing.” sometimes during arguments he’ll tell me i’m never gonna find someone like him, and i don’t even know what to say to that.
one time i got so stressed about everything that i thought about going to counseling. i mentioned it to him (without saying it was about us), and he said, “ok, just don’t mention me in your therapy.” then he added, “why would you bring me up? i didn’t do crimes against you.” and i just don’t know, it felt defensive. like he didn’t want to even consider how things might be affecting me emotionally.
i really love him. i do. i love being with him, and i keep hoping this is just a rough phase we’ll get through. i want to bring back the warmth and excitement we used to have, but i don’t know how anymore. part of me keeps thinking maybe if i was better, maybe if i loved him in the “right” way, he wouldn’t be like this. i’m scared to lose him, but i’m also scared that i’m slowly losing myself trying to keep us together. i don’t know what to do anymore, and i just want to hear from people who’ve been through something like this.
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TL;DR:
been together for two years, but lately my boyfriend says things like he misses being single or that he’s better off without me. when i open up about how i feel, he gets defensive and we end up fighting. i love him deeply, but i’m starting to feel confused, unwanted, and scared that i’m the only one trying to hold us together. i don’t know if this is just a phase or something i need to walk away from.