So, for context, I (28F) have always had an extremely complex relationship with my family. I grew up feeling very isolated and different from them for a number of reasons, from personality types to talents to interests and hobbies, but at the same time, I do love my family and actually tried very hard to be close with them. I know it sounds like an oxymoron but even after moving out and getting my space, I still went home to visit as much as I could and after moving out, my relationship with my mother improved greatly.
However, since getting married, having kids and just beginning my own family in general, I have found myself seeing my siblings and especially my parents in a very different light. I always kind of got the impression I came second to my siblings, especially the siblings that were very talented and charismatic. I had always accepted this as a fact of life, as I have quite a few brothers and sisters and I was also pretty shy growing up, and I tried to give my parents grace and tell myself that there were only two of them and they were doing the best they could.
But I just had my second child, and I started finding myself re-examining my childhood. Splitting my time between both of my children definitely isn't a walk in the park, sure, but it's not impossible. It's also extremely easy not to compare them or outwardly favor one over the other. I also have never felt the desire to emotionally depend on my children for any kind of validation or support. (Though, I should mention they're still toddlers). I could keep going for a while, but for the sake of brevity for the post we'll just use those examples. It's also disappointing to watch a few of my brothers, especially one, swing severely towards political extremes, behaving in a way that is disturbingly close to being flat-out racist and not seeing my parents, who I always believed to stand against people like that, do anything to call him out or stop him in anyway. I started putting a lot of distance between my family and him, making sure that my children don't spend too much time around him and always enforcing what he can and can't talk about around them (we live in separate states and see each other a max of twice a year). My parents support it and claim to support me, but it both saddens and enrages me that they (and the rest of my siblings) seem willing to tolerate his behavior when me and my family aren't around.
My parents love their grandkids and keep wanting a relationship with them and me, but as I get older, I find it harder and harder to just accept things as they are. I'm getting into therapy, as having my children has made me realize there are things from my past I thought I had healed from but I actually haven't, and I don't want that to affect them. I want them to have parents who are emotionally mature and strong. They adore their grandparents, and I don't want to take that from them. But how many barriers do I set? Am I being too harsh on my parents? I know they're people, too, and I do believe in some ways they did the best they could, but there are some things from my childhood I look at from a parents perspective and I just don't understand. There's about a million other layers to this, but y'all aren't my therapists so I'll just save that for when I find a therapist my insurance covers.
TL;DR: I was always close with my family growing up and thought things were okay until I grew up and had my own children, and now I'm realizing that maybe things aren't as healthy as I thought.