Me and my boyfriend (18F and 20M) have been dating for 3 months and as far as I knew it was going to be a long-term serious relationship because that seems to be what he always wanted even from the beginning. He reached out to me first for a first date and was also the one who proposed us making it official. Everything seemed to be going great up until about 2 days ago when he asked to talk and explained that he isn't ready for a super serious and committed relationship because he wants to go out and have his fun as he's turning 21 soon and wants to do the whole bar hopping thing as well as not worry about making stupid decisions and hurting someone hes with. He proposed Friends with Benefits by stating that we would be basically acting the same except he wouldn't have to worry about the burden of a serious relationship. But that to me just sounds like he wants to have a relationship except not have to worry about consequences for if he decides to leave. He says that he still loves me and wants to keep me in his life but just isn't ready for the serious part. I suggested having an open relationship but the relationship part still stands and that seems to be too much for him. He still wants to do our usual hangouts and I'm still trying to figure out where the line is we still say good night every night and say that we love each other call each other pet names and stuff like that but apparently we're just friends with benefits. For me the most important aspects of the relationship worth things that were unique to having a relationship with someone I like our date nights and going out with his friends and being his girlfriend I like being his person. He probably introduces me to people as his girlfriend up until 2 days ago when all of a sudden I'm not it just sounds a little odd to me and I'm trying to make sense of it. He says that we both have things we need to figure out before a relationship but I have been ready and knew what I wanted from the start and it's very clear he doesn't know what he wants. He says I need to take time and figure out who I am but I know who I am and have known and have been very clear about that. It just seems very odd to me and I want suggestions of where to go from here I still love him and I want him in my life and obviously the best case scenario for me would just being his girlfriend but that seems like the one thing he doesn't want to do. I'd even be okay if he wanted a break if he comes back to me after he has his fun. He makes me feel like this whole friends with benefits thing is so simple and I'm overcomplicating it but I just can't understand how this is beneficial to anyone.
TL;DR; : My (18F) boyfriend (20M) of 3 months wants to become friends with benefits stating we would be the exact same without the burden of a serious relationship. All I want is to be his girlfriend even being okay with open relationships or a break if he comes back to me after his fun is over. What should I do from here?
11 comments
The only person it’s beneficial to is him, sorry to put it harshly but he basically just wants to be able to have sex with you with no strings attached, again sorry for the bluntness!! But you deserve better than that
He thinks he will go to the bar and be able to hookup with multiple women. He will soon see that it’s harder than it looks.
Break up with him. He wants to be able to have you as a backup if he can’t find someone else.
Go find a man that will respect as a person a not a sex object
I suggest a counteroffer of being Not Friends With No Benefits. That way he can do the bar hoping and bad decisionmaking he wants without you being a living sex doll for him. Apologies for the bluntness, jt he’s basically saying he wants to have drunken sex with whoever is willing and your emotions aren’t worth considering. Why even stay with a person who thinks this way? When I was 21 I had a girlfriend. I also wanted to bar hop and fuck. So I fucked my girlfriend. Ask yourself why that isn’t his thought process.
Make an official decision to break up and let him know that he needs to grow up if he wants to be with you in any capacity. Anything less is just showing a lack of respect for yourself.
He has a point that he’s still young and doesn’t feel like he’s ready for commitment. That said, he’s going about it in the doucyest way possible. He’s not looking for new experiences or exploring the possibilities of a more sexually active lifestyle, he just doesn’t want to be held accountable for anything.
Wish him well. Find someone else. He thinks there are other options and he doesn’t really want to invest more. You seem to want something longterm and serious, so don’t bother with this guy. Don’t wait for him, you’re only going to get played. He’s not unreasonable in saying that he’s not ready to commit and wanting to explore others, but it’s not fair to keep you around then and pretend there’s more going on between you.
Here’s the main variable you are not considering: when he finds a girl he likes more than you and never comes back. Many men don’t respect a woman who would let them treat her like this, they just pretend they do for the physical access to you. But once the respect is gone you are no longer a marriage/long term prospect. They won’t spell this out for you because again, that would cost them sex.
He doesn’t want to have to have discipline should an opportunity to cheat on you come up. He also doesn’t want to let you go because why would he let go of guaranteed sex. But he doesn’t want to be responsible for dealing with your feelings either hence friends with benefits. Which isn’t being much of a friend, for the record.
I think you should stop trying to convince yourself you’d be ok with this.
Break up if you don’t like it.
Or accept it and take advantage by finding another FWB to hook up with on top of your soon to be ex.
You break it off.
He’s telling you he’s planning to be a dog. Send him to the streets.
Do you want to just be a warm hole? Cuz that’s what he wants you to be.
At least this dude isn’t straight up cheating and letting you know where he is… so just drop him.
Omg, I’m sorry you’re going through that hon, I’ve been there and done that. All I can say is don’t do it to yourself!! ❤️
I don’t doubt he both cares for you and finds you attractive – but please don’t put yourself through the pain of seeing him potentially hook up with other people. It’s not fair to you, and at the end of the day, you have to always put YOU first – in this case it means reacting quickly to what is already a painful situation to minimize any further pain. 💕