This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I had a a great FaceTime follow by two (seemingly) great dates! Zero awkwardness and the body language was inviting both times. A lot of laughing and talk. She suggested a third date and then 24 h later said she didn’t see a future with me and abruptly ended things. I was respectful and told her that was very disappointing to hear and unexpected but thanked her for letting me know. That was about 10 days ago. Part of me wants to reach out and just know what happened. I’m not trying to change her mind and I know she doesn’t owe me anything. It was only two dates but we were definitely vibing and skipped small talk and dove straight in and we’re aligned on many things. Part of me wants to express that if we were moving too fast we can slow down but at this point idk if it’s better to just keep my mouth shut and move on. Thoughts?
Mornin’ y’all! May you find someone that when asked on their death bed what they liked the best, they’ll tell them, it was you.
Feeling misled 💔
Hi,
I went on 4 dates with this guy and we agreed for the 5th when shortly before he sends me a message how he didn’t feel a spark. I am still shocked.
I feel misled. On date 1 he started how he is looking for a relationship and then at some point mid our conversation he started asking how I felt about the date and him, and then he said he expected more physical closeness so he was not sure if I liked him. I actually enjoyed his company and I was sure I wanted to see him again so these comments gave me lots of pressure in the sense that I felt if I want to see him again and if he tries to kiss me I will have to do it (I just felt like I needed more time to warm up to him). He seemed a very different type from my exes who were very confident guys (and well eventually turned out to be “bad boys”). Then eventually he did kiss me. We kissed and made out. He asked me if I want to come to his place, I politely declines. I came home and still had to process all since indeed it was very different from my past experiences. Then on the 2nd date we kissed and made out again and I liked it a lot actually and started to feel so much more comfortable. Then again he asked if I want to come to his place. I said that no, not yet. Then he openly asked why I don’t want to have sex… which I found so direct. I said it takes me longer to progress towards it. Then when we were fixing our 3rd date he openly asked if I need to work next morning and suggested meeting at a place closer to his place. By that time I felt like he is a really nice and serious guy who is (as he said) “looking for a partner”, so probably naively I thought that he is into me. Anyways, on the 3rd date I went to his place (even though I never went so soon with my confident “bad boy” type exes), but here I felt oh he is a nice guy, I should trust him, he has good intentions + he already asked twice and I declined + he seemed quite insecure with his questions so I thought I should ensure him I like him (which I never felt like my exes needed any reassurance coz they never acted insecure).
So we had sex, he seemed very sweet, asking me everything before doing and then also apologizing. I was very nice to him to.
Then I left his place next morning. We texted. Usually in past I would be a bit worried to show my excitement or any feelings. But here I felt like I can, since he is a nice guy + he seemed insecure during sex so I didn’t want him to question again if I liked him.
Then I invited him for dinner. By that time I already developed some feelings somehow… I was somehow really thinking we are something. He canceled a dinner coz he suddenly got some family plans. Okay. Then he offered to meet another day for an hour before his one appointment since on weekend he said he is busy. Okay. We met, all seemed fine.
Then a day later he texts me that something is missing for him, like a spark, “love at his the first sight feeling”.
I feel now super misled. Coz I feel like I went for a kiss sooner than I normally would and to his place specifically coz of all the pressure he created. Of course, he didn’t force me. But still, if not this pressure, all his insecure questions or whatever it was, I would have not given in. Now I am just so confused what even happened. If there was no spark why to even kiss me? Do people check the spark by kissing someone or sleeping with them?
I keep thinking now what did I do wrong? Was I too talkative and didn’t provide enough space for him to open up and connect? But then definitely on that 3rd date it was very equal, I would say. And why then suddenly he became clear about “no spark” only after sex…
Hit me with the good stories. I’m wondering how many of us are just delulu and how many of us actually experienced “love at first sight” and it held true. Can you really know so soon?
Anyway, if this man is NOT my husband, I give up 😆
Dear Universe,
Feel free to send me my counterpart. I can’t travel as much these days, but I feel like I’ve done my share of seeking. I’d like to be discovered, please.
I’m reading *Lessons in Chemistry* and there’s a part that reads, “To [Harriet] it seemed Calvin and Elizabeth had enjoyed a strange relationship– almost supernatural– like identical twins separated at birth who accidentally stumble upon each other in a foxhole, and despite death all around, are amazed to discover that not only do they look alike and share a serious allergy to clams, but neither liked Dean Martin. ‘Really? ‘ she imagined Calvin and Elizabeth saying to each other all the time. ‘Me too!'”
It puts me in mind of the Greek idea of soul mates, one person, split in two and separated by a fearful Zeus.
If you could help me out, that would sure be swell.
Love,
The Most Tired
I’m not dating seriously at the moment. Since my breakup, dating and love has lost its magic. I can still have fun on dates, but it’s not like it was before my heart was shattered. I really envy people who just got to have a good time and stumble into the love of their lives. Because of my own damage, I can’t help noticing every tell that they’re not interested now, or I’m not, and how sad that is even when we’re two decent people trying to have a good time.
I guess I’m just ranting but it all feels a lot more boring, rote, disappointing. Utilitarian. I imagine this is how some people feel when they pursue their dream job that they’ve been wanting their whole lives and find out it’s actually a nightmare.
I’ve been reflecting these past few days on the root causes of why I find it so difficult to make new friends as an adult.
When I look back on the friendship groups I have been a part of, it was always because somebody from within that group noticed me for whatever reason and invited me to be a part of them. This is a lot more likely to happen on holidays where transient friendships are easier to form because everyone knows they probably won’t see one another again after the holiday ends so there’s lower risk involved in interacting with strangers (in my experience anyway – probably plenty of counter-examples to that claim 🙂).
The trouble with this is that as a result, I’ve never been forced to develop the confidence and courage to actually be the bold one who introduces themselves to a stranger and ingratiates themselves with a social group that way. In this way it’s not generalised anxiety that holds me back, but the lack of confidence that comes with a lack of skill – in the same way that I wouldn’t feel confident playing a musical instrument that I’ve never learned just because I don’t have any innate skill in that department.
I bring this up because I know that I’m going to struggle in perpetuity in the dating arena until I sort this problem out. It’s by no means the only thing that prevents me from getting dates, but it is the most fundamental issue because if I’m not even meeting people in the first place then everything that comes after that is irrelevant. Simply existing in the same space as other people isn’t meeting them, and that’s what I’ve failed to really confront about my earlier efforts this year – sure, I’ve gone out and existed in spaces, but I think subconsciously I was always waiting for somebody from a social group I’m interested in to notice me and invite me over.
Mixed in with this is another separate issue which is that it’s difficult for me to accept that a neutral and/or null response is not the same as an actively negative one. I know rationally that this isn’t the case, but subconsciously the brain is acting as though I’ve been explicitly cast out from a group that I was never part of in the first place, and by the time I notice this and try to challenge the thought, the negative neurochemicals have already been released into the brain and I’m left trying to close the stable door after the horse has already bolted, so to speak.
I know the usual answer to things like this is therapy and perhaps it’s time I explored that, but I genuinely do wonder is there anything I can be told other than “just grow a spine, get out there and make an effort”? Because to me it seems that’s what the real issue is – lacking the courage to take these risks and to forgive myself for the inevitable failures in those early stages. Identifying the causes of my problems isn’t the difficulty for me, it’s taking the necessary action to resolve them that I struggle with.
Hi everyone! I’m several months in to a great relationship but just cannot get over my internalized jealousy over his many close female friends that he parties and hangs out with on a regular basis, including without me since we’ve met, as well as “liking” their thirst trap instagram pics. His friends all know me and he reassures me about his care for me, so why can I not get over this insecurity and jealousy? I’ve experienced it in other relationships too, in my 20s for example, so it’s a me problem. I’m honestly embarrassed that I still feel like this in my mid 30s. I feel that if I keep bringing up these feelings as “communication,” I’m only going to be coming off as an insecure unattractive loser (lmao). So I figure I would see what you guys think!