This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I’m sure this topic has been beaten to death here, sorry.
But anyone care to commiserate about their parents’ – or more specifically, their mother’s – constant surprise and/or disdain for the singledom well into your 30s? Lucky me I have a step mom so I hear bonus double commentary on the matter. It feels sometimes like it might be more distressing to them than it is to myself. I never know how to respond and can’t relay any stories about female friends without getting barraged by questions.
So recently my social life kind of fell apart, which I’m still getting over and need to rebuild. My job has felt unsteady since the current administration. About 1 or 2 months there was an unfortunate situation that definitely negatively affected my mental health. Now, I just ended a month long relationship-like thing on Saturday. And I can see I definitely wasn’t dating like myself—or I would have run as soon as I encountered a non-negotiable dealbreaker.
If I’m honest with myself I should probably not be dating right now. However, I’m old and I’m running out of time to have bio kids. I don’t have time to rebuild. I can see that I’m desperate, lonely, and vulnerable right now, but I’m not sure how to fix it other than to give it time. But, time is not a luxury I have anymore. Has dating while near rock-bottom ever gone well for anyone?
Heading out to another first date tomorrow and I’m allowing myself to feel a little bit good about at least making it happen. Like I can’t say that I’m doing good with the dating apps in general but at least I have a perfect success rate of getting first dates when I do end up asking someone out, so I guess the lesson is that it pays to be proactive.
Anyway, since a big part of the first date at least for me is confirming that the other person actually exists and vaguely looks like their pictures, it feels like it would be a nice time to confirm that we are both on the same page about why this is happening in general. I haven’t found a smooth way to ask “are you actually single and looking for relationship” though.
I am done with dating apps. I’ve had so many OLD dates go seemingly well, I get super excited, then can’t get them out for a second date. The emotional whiplash brings me down. Especially when I feel 1000% positive that we vibed.
When I go out on dates with girls I meet in the wild, more often than not, if the date feels like it went well, she felt the same. If a girl agrees to a date after talking at a bar for an hour, you already know there’s mutual attraction.
Problem is that I’m 38 and the dates I meet in the wild are all in their 20s. I have zero problem getting dates at bars, but I would prefer not to have a 10 year age gap.
Ladies of NYC in your thirties – why can’t you go out to bumping divey bars 😂? You all go to cute wine bars and cocktail bars with your friends, but there’s just no great way to hit on you if it’s you and your friend at a small bar.
Come to the bars where everyone is mingling, even if it skews younger!
we talked for like 3.5 hours before the café started closing around us. she’s really smart and pretty and aaah I’m feeling a bit nervous about the text I sent, but in a good way I think.
umm also bisexual moment: most of the interest I get on the dating app I use is from cis men and masc amab people, and the last few people I dated fall in that category. I don’t have a gender preference, it just feels kinda nice to have a more…sapphic crush (it’s been a little while)!
No contact check in! Post what you want to say here, hold others accountable, etc here!
Anxiously attached, on day 11. Dare I say I’m entering the anger phase of this reflection period? He gets to hurt me and then 3 days later go away on vacation for a month essentially to “reflect”?… WTF!
Saw the anxious attachment post in yesterday’s thread, can relate a little. My amazing, wonderful, brave, self-sufficient and determined girlfriend goes through periods of devastating insecurity (about our relationship) that leave me feeling helpless.
I have anxious / avoidant tendencies at times, but I can self-soothe fairly easily and am pretty dang securely attached (thanks mom and dad, unironically).
My girlfriend grew up in awful circumstances and still struggles at times with fear that I don’t love her, that I will leave her, that she will never be my priority, etc. She definitely draws from her childhood and some past relationships here.
We’re gonna start couples therapy to work through this (I’m really hopeful about it) and we each see individual therapists. I just wish she could know the peace and surety I feel.
So, can anyone tell me how you date anymore? Because I just don’t understand it and I don’t know what to do.
Me: I’m a successful man in a big city (LA). I make over $200k a year, I’ve done a lot of personal work, I’m fit – work out 6 days a week, climb, play pickle ball, calisthenics, hike – I have hobbies – aside from active, I throw pottery, read, cook, love film and reading and music and play piano. I’ve done a lot of personal work, worked through trauma and have high EI. Good listener, good communicator, good sense of humor, come from a good family. I’ve dated 5 people in the past year and a half (ranging from a few weeks to a few months. All 5 of these women told me I’m wonderful, but they aren’t in a place to date? 4 of them I met on apps (which seem to be a breeding ground for avoidant people). I went out on a date with someone on Sunday who I had a great time with – lots in common, lots of smiling and laughing. As we were leaving, she said “I’d really like to see you again”. I messaged her the next day with my # and said I had a really nice time, never heard from her again (she’s still matched with me on the app).
I used to get tons of matches and go on lots of dates – a few years ago I’d often have 2-3 dates a week from OLD. I’ve matched with plenty of attractive, interesting women before, yet over the past year and a half I get ~0 likes or matches – my profile hasn’t changed.
In person, many of the women I meet are in relationships, or I’m not interested. When I meet someone I’m interested in, I try not to come on too strong so I try to get to know the person a bit because if I meet someone, it’s through a hobby and I don’t want to “shit where I eat” and make things awkward. Even then, it feels like it’s hard to make anything happen.
I don’t want to be like those instagram dudes who just go up to girls on the street and make stupid pickup lines. I’m not a dude who’s just interested in a vapid attractive woman, I am interested in someone who has substance, intelligence and depth, and so I like to get to know someone first.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I regularly goto events to meet new people now, in hopes of encountering someone I click with, but invariably these events (in my experience) attract people who aren’t the most attractive, or interesting. I’ve gone to 3 in the past 3 weeks, and it’s pretty soul sucking.
I really don’t know what else to do at this point.
Any biggish dudes not feel that much bigger than everyone until you see a group photo? I look like King Kong in some group pictures. Like I’m going to grab one of the other people in the photo and drag them to the top of the Empire State Building.
Can we all agree that Monday is the WORST day of the week?? It just sucks.
Every Monday I just have this groggy and lethargic feeling where I really have to dip deep to get work done and exercise.
I’m gonna sign a petition to get Mondays kicked off the calendar. The petition has one signature so far (mine). But more are welcome.
Down with Mondays!!!
Gonna break my rule of not going to these threads again just to rant a little bit. First: Like HOLY, do I need to like travelling, hiking, camping, raving, drinking and concerts to date these days? Where are my fellows who play children’s card games, spinning battle tops or those who get overly enthusiastic about a nice audio gear and plastic models. I know that it’s not really necessary to have the same hobbies but I feel like it’s just way easier to have a conversation starter or even connect with people if you have the same ones.
Second, I am going to turn 32 this month. That’s practically 32 year of being single. I generally do not mind after working things with a shrink and immersing myself with hobbies stated above but occasionally, there will be reminders that tug out some feelings of insecurity within me like fricking couples making out in the train, a dude who got lucky and found himself a girl who plays warhammer 40k with him at a hobby shop and of course the parents who keep bugging you about having grandkids especially when your cousin who is considerable younger than you just got their first child. While I am 32, not really any better career wise despite all the work that went in since graduating and still have no idea how to flirt. It’s less talk about but I think men also have a timeline with age especially if you’re single since birth. People will look at you funny and suspiciously if they learn that you’ve never been in a relationship at the age of 32.
Something that got a little better though is that I started breaking the monotony of just talking about hobbies with my bros into something personal. I think one of the challenges with male friendships that developed through common hobbies is that conversation and topics will only revolve around said hobbies. Another thing is that most of us just go by without having any form of contact at all if said hobby was out of the picture so I tried reaching out more to them even just as little as sending memes out of nowhere or asking how they’re doing. I haven’t been in a session for quite sometime now but I booked one with my shrink this month just to have a year wrap off. At least I am looking forward to that. Anywho, that’s all and I’ll probably be back in a few months
i always get ghosted 😀 i’m not even talking about going to one date!
I’m dating someone I really like. We’ve had a few great dates, and he’s shown clear interest, but schedules have been tricky. He has his kids 50/50 and is busier than I am, so he usually texts every 24–36 hours. I’d prefer more frequent communication.
I’m anxiously attached and working on self-regulation, but also trying to ask for my needs when it’s appropriate. Normally I’d lose interest with this pace, but I like a lot about him. I’m planning to ask if we can communicate a bit more often. Has anyone asked for any sort of relational needs early in dating and had it work? Or is it usually a sign of a mismatched pairing?
My (31m) weekend ended up being an interesting one, both personally and in my dating life. My grandmother’s funeral was Saturday and was unfortunately tainted by family drama. My uncle (55m) invited his new girlfriend of about a month to attend both the funeral and the dinner afterward. The only issue was that his current girlfriend, who he had not broken things off with yet for whatever reason, of 2.5 years was also invited and showed up as well. This ended up causing quite a stir and sort of ruined the day for a lot of people. My uncle didn’t really seem to care. It was very bizarre.
Dating-wise, I went on a lovely first date Friday evening with a lady (32f) that I wasn’t expecting to go so well. We definitely seemed to jive better in person, which was nice. Personality-wise, we got along great. It was a no-brainer for me to text and ask for a second date when she got home safe, and thankfully she agreed.
Saturday morning before the funeral, I went on a quick first coffee date with someone (29f) that I had matched with at a recent speed dating event. This was the total opposite of Friday’s experience. We did not click in person at all, and conversation was painfully one-sided. All she did was talk about her job for an hour and a half, and when I tried to interject or relate by adding a story about myself, she came off disinterested and almost confrontational, as if I were ruining her speech. Right before I called it a day, she finally said, “Oh, I feel like I know nothing about you, tell me something about yourself.” I sent her a “thanks for meeting, but I don’t see this working out” text later on and she didn’t take it very well. Safe to say I dodged a potential bullet.
Sunday, my city got hit with snow pretty bad. I don’t have snow tires on yet, and the roads got very dangerous very quickly. I had to cancel a first date in a city an hour away from me, and she was very understanding. I spent the rest of the day hunkered down, waiting out the storm.
So yeah, a bit all over the place, but I’m looking forward to the second date this week. Hopefully it goes just as well as the first.
dude jillian turecki…(spelling?) — just saw on bumble that she is the embedded dating expert. so this self-proclaimed writer/dating expert is making money out of people’s misery and endorsing corporate structures like bumble that only care about profiting out of the data (e.g. photos, emails, other info as well as interaction with the app, preferences, training their ai and whatnot) of people seeking genuine relationships. the provided service is fucking up the whole dating scene, human interactions and expectations for everyone!
People present themselves as so very available in the first few weeks and then soooooo busy with work in perpetuity after that. It’s heartbreaking every time. Watching the texts get slower and slower, the dates get farther apart. When the dates themselves are so good, so present, like the rest of the world and the rest of the week don’t exist. Then a couple days of flirty reminiscence of the date, by text. Then silence and small talk until he eventually makes another date.
I’m feeling breadcrumbed. It’s heartbreaking. This is the closest thing to love I’ve felt in a very long time. But he’s obviously not as available as I need him to be. I initiated the last date. I sent the last text. The date before was initiated by him after some playful teasing by me about missing him. He hasn’t even asked me when I’m free this week yet, which makes me think it’s going to be another week without a date.
Of course during the last date he talked about some stuff we’ll do on a date soon. He asked me if I had T-giving plans. He always comments about how he hopes I don’t have to move away for grad school when the time comes. It’s so easy to believe it all. But my prior experiences have taught me otherwise.
And I’ve been practicing asking for what I need, which is something I’ve always had trouble with. He praises me for it, and for bringing up things that bother me. But what’s the point of asking for more time and attention if he already knows I want that? And I already know the answer. Work is just sooooo crazy busy.
It’s been the same story throughout my 20s, 30s, and 40s. You’re such a catch, why are you single? Oh, the guys I’m seeing just happen to get unexpectedly, insanely busy with work right after investing enough time and energy to get me hooked.
And it’s hard to have the conversation because I already feel like I’m bugging him if I text first. And I don’t want to have the conversation by text anyway. But the dates being so far apart, and also so magically wonderful, it’s hard to bring up in person because I don’t want to ruin my own little period of bliss in my own very very busy week. Actually going on the date, smiling, laughing, giving and receiving affection, and great sex, it’s self care for a part of me that I’ve neglected for way too long because I have also been working too hard.
I’m graduating with a stem degree in 5 weeks, with a nearly 4.0 GPA. I have hard field work every few weekends, hobbies, and a social life of my own. So it’s not like I’m sitting around waiting. I’m not bored and needy.
And the stupidest part is that in the last week, I’ve had two exes from ancient history (2016 and 2011) reach out to me in the past week, groveling, apologizing, and begging for a second chance for treating me so poorly. I mean, yeah, they treated me much worse than just showing me I was low priority. But being low priority was baseline there too. I do see it for what it is, their egos wanting some kind of validation for apologizing and making amends with whatever idealized version of me they’ve dreamed up in their head. But it’s so tempting to think, “eventually everyone regrets taking me for granted.”
I’m not looking for advice. Just a another dear diary vent until I decide to delete this. It does feel good to know I’m not alone in this experience, so please feel free to commiserate.
Has anyone noticed an increase lately in clearly white women of European descent putting “Native American” as their ethnicity? I wonder if this is some kind of right-wing trend of people trying to claim their ancestry as “native” to the US even if it isn’t.
I (31F) recently hit a pretty big milestone in my side business (small but I’d been working towards it for awhile). He texted back with Yay but nothing else really. Then earlier this weekend he made some snide comments about an idea I had that I was really looking forward to that got me discouraged. We have a lot of fun together, have said I love you, but I feel like there’s not enough warmth. He can be rude to some people in public and I’ve gotten embarrassed with him a few times. Some differences in values, though we align politically. Maybe I’m overthinking but I’m getting tired. I have some red flags in my background and he’s accepting of them so reentering the dating field is ugh. Don’t want to squander the good but getting tired of the bad.
Was literally ranting about written profiles being half assed and someone mentioned most folks on apps going off looks alone … then I immediately liked an empty profile with the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen 🫠 Probably a bot, but a pretty bot 😵💫
Date number two tomorrow! Really excited but really nervous. He doesn’t like texting but if I’ve messaged him he’s responsive and seems happy to hear from me, just doesn’t initiate. Which is fine, and probably ideal for early dating (I want to date a person not a chat box and I don’t want to create a false sense of intimacy) but if we continue seeing each other then I’d like to bring it up.
It’s been two weeks since we first met and I can’t wait to see him again. He’s very sweet and open and I’m ridiculously attracted to him, he’s also (according to him) attracted to me.
We’re going to a board game cafe so I hope it’ll be a cute, wholesome date. I also would really love to kiss him again.
It’s times like this where being gay is hard because I’m thinking of what pubs, if any, in the area would we likely be safe in if we wanted to have a little kiss at the end of the night.
It’s weird to call myself a cancer patient. It’s not that I’m scared to. It’s just that I never thought I’d be at this point of life. But is okay, I’m not worried about dying. I’m not at that stage not close, and the doctors that are handling me are good. I have faith. I remember posting here a year ago and life was different.
(36m) Should I get back on Hinge?
A few weeks ago I deleted all my dating profiles. I was fed up, maybe the third or fourth time this year where someone planned a date with me but then cancelled and/or ghosted for no apparent reason. I decided I wanted to try to meet someone in person for a change and I’ve been starting to make time to go and hang out places, like bars, coffee shops, or any event I can go to. I mean, no success yet, I don’t expect it to happen instantly. Sometimes I’ll meet a woman and she’ll be great to talk with but is already in a relationship. But at least I’m getting practice in.
But why am I thinking about hinge again? Suddenly I see everyone talking about it online. It seems likes gaining popularity again and most likely more women are trying to use it. And honestly, ever since Zohran Mamdani won the election I see so many women online fawning over him and the fact he met his wife on hinge. I’m also of middle eastern descent and seeing this reaction to him is a surprise to me. Not because I don’t think he’s attractive but a guy like him doesn’t usually get that kind of attention and it makes me think there is a weird blip in favor of middle eastern looking men right now because of his popularity. And I’d feel crazy not to take advantage of that right now. It’s usually white guys who are popular with women.. at least that’s what I notice more often than not. I know it isn’t likely that anyone here would agree with the idea that “yea middle eastern dudes are hot right now! Get back on hinge dude!!” No, that’s just a weird thought I’m having admittedly. It’s more like maybe I should give it another chance because it might be better because of how popular it’s gotten as of late.
I really don’t know, but at the same time, it’s gotten a little nice not worrying about dating profiles and messages. I do really want to date though. A good relationship is a big part of my life that’s missing right now
In a moment of weakness I got back on Tinder. Got one match with a pretty empty profile (but that’s Tinder for you), I asked just about the only interesting question that I could come up with from their profile and added some info of my own.
5 word response, no questions asked back. Yeah, I wasn’t ready to go back…
I haven’t been on a date in almost two years, so I’m treating myself to a vacation. The apps have been a steady stream of rejection but I’m choosing self-care—sun, warmth, and a little reset.
Had two dates with someone I met on Hinge over the last week. When I asked her if she wanted to go out again she hit me with the “Let me check my calendar and get back to you” and that was Saturday.
I’m weirdly getting comfortable with things not working out.
She was very attractive and had a good job, but I was really turned off by always being the one to initiate conversation when we weren’t together. I’m sure others feel differently about early stage texting/calling but I’m a big believer in atleast exchanging one or two messages a day and it going both ways.