Things have been getting sufficiently rockier with my in-laws over the last few years when it comes to them respecting my family and the parenting choices with our kids. I have known than for about 8 years, married to their daughter for 5.
Things like this have happened before, and I have essentially held my tongue hoping it would get better over time, but it seems to have gotten worse.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/SnMYvD2i7P
My wife and I recently had our second child. While in the hospital, the grandparents watched our daughter (2F) for two nights. On the second morning, I scheduled with them very planned in detail ahead of time how the pickup timing would go so she would be to daycare on-time, and I would be at an important meeting for work on-time.
They completely disregarded our scheduling instructions. This is it the first time they have done this. I walk-in and my daughter is howling as they are finishing getting her dressed, and as I tried to calm her down before getting in the car, I ask why she was upset. Was told that they only woke her up 5 minutes before I arrived to get her. We asked clearly that she get up 45 minutes before I arrived, and sent 2 reminder texts that morning, so she could have her routine and wake up before leaving. Our daycare messaged and asked if everything was okay at home, and literally almost sent her home early because her behavior was so poor with others that day, something that had never happened before.
My wife texted them, lightly criticizing them not getting her up when we asked and they came back super defensive and attacking her/us. A 45-year-old woman was told by her parents to stop whining and that it was our poor planning which led to our daughter being in a bad mood.
Friends, my new son was born 12 days ago. In TWELVE days there has not been a SINGLE communication from my father-in-law to his daughter. Not a FaceTime, not a phone call, not a text message, not a single emoji. Nothing, in 12 days.
The amount of heartbreak I am feeling for my wife that her father would do this is unbearable.
So I ask, how do I go about mending this conflict? They have more than a few times disregarded and ignored instructions that we give them on how we want something handled with our daughter. I have caught them lying about things on a few occasions. I feel like their respect for me is low based on a bunch of instances.
When we talk to them, anytime something serious comes up, they try to shout and escalate to make their points, and have very unhealthy communication techniques. My wife is less than 2 weeks postpartum, and her Mom was over and yelled at my wife over something minor in our home on Halloween and was bullying, then stormed out.
Her parents have been very generous to us with both their time and gifts of money, but I feel like we are at a breaking point that they way they treat us too often is so disrespectful and causing stress that I wonder if we need to put extreme boundaries on how we are to visit them.
Do I not leave my daughter alone with them anymore knowing they don’t follow some of our instructions, and may lie if caught by us? How can I have trust and integrity for my daughter’s safety with such a dynamic?
If her father hasn’t contacted in 12 days now after my wife had a baby, do I just play this game of relationship chicken, and wait to see how long he goes, or do we call attention to it first?
I am at a loss on next steps, as they don’t communicate well, have really unhealthy relationship/respect/boundary dynamics with us, and I want to protect and do what is best for my wife and kids.
Any and all thoughts appreciated.