TLDR: Wife wants to open marriage… I am devastated and considering divorce. Maybe it's over…
Me (38M) and my wife (36F) have been together for 12 years, married for 9. We have two kids (7 and 4), and like a lot of couples with young kids, the last few years haven’t been easy. I work full-time in IT, am the main breadwinner, handle most of the kid stuff in the mornings, and try to give her space in the evenings because she says she’s “burned out.” (Drinks wine and on the phone)
We have had basically a dead BR, not because I don’t want it, but because she’s said that she needs more from me… And I’ve tried. We have done some couples therapy. I tried inviting her to date nights (she flakes), mentioned sexy outfits or games, even a stupid TikTok challenge I thought might help. It's been a while now… I feel like I'm trying and she's not. At all.
Three nights ago, she sits me down and says: “You’re not exciting me anymore. I need more. I want to explore. I think we should open the marriage.”
I was shocked. I asked her if this meant she already had someone in mind. She said no but then couldn’t look me in the eye at all…
I don’t check her phone and never have. Always trusted her. But she’s been weird lately and protective of the screen, walking into the other room more, laughing at messages and saying “it’s just dumb work stuff.” She’s mentioned a coworker several times now, "Brian." I’ve met him once and didn’t like him the vibe. I didn't like how they interacted and something felt off…
I said, “You want to sleep with other people because I’m not exciting?”
She said, “No, that’s not fair. I just want something more. We can both explore.”
Then she added, “I still love you. I just want different experiences.”
I told her NO, obviously not… I’m not going to support our ENTIRE life while being treated like some placeholder she’s bored of. I’m not your husband until something more exciting shows up.
Now she is saying that I’m selfish and close-minded. That this is about “sexual growth” and I’m too rigid…
I’m selfish???? For not wanting to be the loyal exhausted man supporting her “personal journey” while Brian from accounting makes her giggle at 10pm?
I strongly suspect some of this idea is coming from her BFF. She just got divorced for the third time, tried an old open marriage before (which is what blew up her second go-round), and has been a serial cheater… UGH.
I want to make this work for the kids… But I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here.
I don't know if it's time to throw in the towel, or what…
29 comments
It’s done mate.
She watched one too many tiktoks about living her best life and how awesome sex will be. If I was you I would get a laywer and divorce and make sure they are aware of this,
“but I pay for everything and handle the kids”
….and make sure she pays child support and the like.
““I still love you. I just want different experiences.””
No she doesn’t. IF she loved you should would want to explore spicing up her sex life not fking some others….she loves the things you do for her and how you pay for every thing and take care of the kids….she wants her cake and to eat it too as they say.
“I want to make this work for the kids”
The biggest most stupid mistake married couples do…it never works out and just ends up hurting the kids.
It’s cooked and done.
Give it to her with divorce papers.
She probably has already fucked Brian.
Go ahead and contact a lawyer..set up a meeting..let her know when the meeting is..and be finished
Lawyer up. STAT
please leave her. she is incredibly selfish
Time 4 a LAWYER and a STD test.
Let her explore on her own dime. That’s bs
You need a lawyer yesterday. Go find one now.
She has most likely already been emotionally cheating. I’m sorry but I think your marriage is over.
Well.
1. She sounds manipulative.
2. She doesn’t sound like an honest person.
3. Based on the first two, I’ll bet that more has already happened, and she just wants to avoid the guilt, so hoping you will go along with it. So, she can continue whatever she is already doing.
All that aside. You two seem to want different things. I’ll bet if she had a full-time job, she would have less idle time/energy to be engaging in such things. But, at this point, I highly doubt that is an option.
I would do everything required to be emotionally and physically prepared for a divorce. Then, sit her down, tell her exactly what is what. What YOU want from a relationship, and YOUR expectations. If she is not down with it, then proceed to the divorce. And don’t let her manipulate you out of it. Because, if she really wanted to be with you. You would not have had to reach that point.
Everyone uses the kids as the excuse. You know it is just that, an excuse.
This is going to hurt and be very messy. Prepare yourself. Make sure you have the emotional and legal support you need, before engaging in any of this.
Open relationships only work when they are open from the very beginning
You’re not selfish for wanting loyalty. You’re *stable and RELIABLE*. The guy holding it all together! Sounds like you’ve tried to spice it up in the bedroom, too.
She wants the security of your love (and income), and the thrill of someone else’s attention.
Talk to a lawyer. Seems to be the consensus here.
She’s either already cheating or has someone in mind. It sounds like you guys have tried a few things to save the marriage and she half heartedly tried with you. And an open marriage wanted by only one person won’t save it. It will be a slow and painful road to the end.
Good luck. I’m sorry.
You set the example for your children on what a healthy relationship looks like. If you continue this unhealthy relationship “for the kids” what you’re really doing is building a reality in their minds on what to look for in a relationship in the future.
The greatest kindness you can do for them in the long term (tho it may suck in the short term because they are too young to understand) is show how to stick to their core values and seek relationships with people who share and respect those values. You tell them its ok to be single or start over. You show them you dont have to be trapped in unhappiness.
I went through so many unhealthy relationships because I didn’t have a clue what a healthy relationship looked like and I didn’t have the self respect to leave when I should have.
Leave “for the kids” and don’t let anyone gaslight you any differently.
Dude, if she is talking about an open marriage then she has already opened her door. She is just giving you a notice.
Don’t ever stick around in a relationship for “the kids”. Your kids need happy and healthy parents and an environment that isn’t filled with tension and anger and resentment. All it does is fuck them up and show them that being miserable in a relationship is what a loving partnership is.
Your wife is already at least mentally checked out of your marriage, if not completely emotionally. 9 times out of 10, when a spouse suddenly wants an open relationship, it’s because they’ve been thinking about cheating and want to fuck someone else without the guilt, or because they’ve already cheated and are trying to make themselves feel better about it.
If she won’t quit the dramatics and blame game, and actually open up and discuss what’s really going on, and willing to show you her phone, then she doesn’t want to do what it takes to save the marriage.
I’d start shopping around for a family attorney so you can start getting an idea of what divorce will look like, as well as custody.
This woman has left a trail of failed marriages in her wake. Yours is next, then the next guy… Lawyer up man. You can’t fix her.
She’s already cheated on you. Wanting an open marriage only justifies it in her mind. Open marriages do NOT EVER work out – always leads to divorce so just skip the line and hand her divorce papers
She’s already fucking Brian and now she’s looking for an out so she doesn’t get caught.
IT guys love to fix things. I know that’s how you probably see this situation. “I might be able to fix this.” You probably can, but you’ll end up broken in the process.
You won’t like this, but the way she’s acting indicates she’s already sleeping with someone else. The “open marriage” idea is just to make her affair activity easier to continue.
She couldn’t look you in the eye because she is lying.
The dead BR is only for you. She’s having her fun elsewhere already and she is tired of hiding it.
You can keep sharing your wife with others or dump her. She’s only staying for the love of your money.
I’m sorry for you man. You are an example of a man society needs to honor and respect. Downright sad. Maybe marriage is a waste of time…
Get a lawyer. Have him write up 2 sets of papers.
First set divorce papers. Let the lawyer guide you what to include.
Second set, post nup. This should detail if any infidelity is discovered, she agrees to immediate divorce uncontested, 50/50 custody with zero spousal support but does split assets 50/50. Again let the lawyer tell you what to include.
Then, you present both sets with the lawyer and give her the choice. If she wants to sleep around, her choice, sign divorce papers. If she wants to remain and work on the marriage and due to her behaviors, she will need to sign the pre nup.
She will hit you with ever manipulation tactic in the handbook, but if she is remorseful and wants to work on the marriage she will sign them. If she refuses goto divorce it’s likely she’s already cheated.
Usually when one spouse asks for an open marriage it’s an indication they have already cheated,and can now have a guilt free conscience, if they felt guilty in the first place. She’s going to go do whatever she wants regardless if your feelings. Tell her no open marriage but you will consider a foursome, you her and your two lawyers,lol. This marriage is over,just go bury it. And for heaven’s sake,don’t back down because if the kids. You will do them more lasting damage staying together in a so calked open marriage, then if you separate.
There’s no “maybe” it’s over. It’s over and has been for a while.
Sounds like she’s cheating mate. Your kids need a strong role model father. Not a weak one. So leave for yourself but more importantly your kids.
See a lawyer unless you can live with an open marriage. Start equalizing the household. Make plans occasionally to go elsewhere at night. Don’t pay for everything and protect your assets. I’m sorry but you deserve better.
OP….you are more than enough. Most women would be thrilled to have a man that provides half of what you do! A committed wife that loves you would work with YOU to spice up things in the bedroom, not open it to others. Trust me, she is already stepping out. Even if she hasn’t been physical with someone else, she is already having that emotional affair. You deserve so much more. She doesn’t deserve you. Give her the freedom she wants with walking papers. Tell her to not let the door hit her ass on the way out.