That leaves you, Reddit fam, so here goes.
My husband (M33) has mentioned before that he doesn’t like when I vent or “complain” about him to the women in my life — namely my mom (F62), sister (F30), and really my only close friend (F27), who also happens to be the wife of one of his buddies (M27). But lately, it’s become something he can’t stop thinking about, and it’s starting to affect our relationship.
I’m really close with my mom and sister. We’ve always talked openly about our hard feelings — to let them out, get perspective, and process. Since having my first child, those conversations have been even more important. They (and my friend Annie) have been my lifeline through new motherhood. I’ve always believed women need other women to talk to about relationships and caregiving, and that kind of emotional sharing feels natural and comforting to me. It’s how I was raised. I’m not saying it can’t or shouldn’t change, but it’s what I’ve always known.
My husband is self-conscious and very protective of both our relationship and our daughter. He’s been going through a long and stressful period at work that’s clearly taking a toll on his mental health — and I think this issue is one way that stress is surfacing.
He’s also had a rocky relationship with my family. Part of that might be my fault — I tend to talk to them about how I’m feeling, so they know more about our relationship than he’s comfortable with. He takes criticism from others, especially family, very personally. Even comments made years ago by my parents or sister still come up in arguments with a lot of anger. I’ve encouraged him to bring those things up in therapy, but when he does go, he just brushes them off and says he’s “over it.”
Anyway, yesterday his brother (M35) came over. I was home with the baby while they were hanging out in the garage. Earlier that morning, my husband and I had argued about our Friday routines. He has Fridays off; I work remotely. I’ve just started a new job and really want to show up fully, but I’m also the one up every night and morning with our baby. That morning, I let him sleep in until 9 a.m. even though I had to start work, because I know he’s stressed. When I tried to hand the baby over, he reminded me that we needed groceries. He did the dishes, made breakfast, went shopping, and didn’t get back until 1:30 p.m. During that time, I only got about an hour of work done while the baby napped.
When he got home, I asked (again) if he could adjust his Friday schedule so I could focus on work. He got frustrated, said I was “snapping,” and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just work and watch our daughter at the same time. He manages to do chores and childcare together, but that’s not the same as being fully present for work — something he hasn’t had to juggle since going back to the office full time.
I admit I got flustered and wasn’t very articulate. We both ended up frustrated, and I left feeling unheard. So I texted my sister. She helped me realize my frustration came from exhaustion and insecurity as a new mom. She comforted me and gently said my husband should be more intentional about protecting my work time — that he could take the lead on Fridays or we could look into a babysitter.
Later that night, after I’d gotten the baby down, my husband said he was upset that I’d vented to my sister. He was convinced she was “talking shit” about him to me and to my family. He told me his brother had been badmouthing his wife earlier that day, and his mom talks about his sister-in-law too, and that he doesn’t want our relationship to be like that. He said his friends complain about their wives all the time, but he never does, because he doesn’t want to “taint” anyone’s view of me.
I genuinely admire that — it’s mature and kind. But the reality is, he doesn’t talk to anyone about his feelings, so they just build up until he explodes. He knows this is a problem; we’ve discussed it in therapy, but he hasn’t really worked on it.
I told him I need to be able to talk to my mom, sister, and friend for support — but that I’d try to be more careful about how I do it. He agreed that I need an outlet, but asked that I talk about him and our relationship more “positively,” so my family doesn’t judge him.
This morning, he still seemed off. He said he dreamed about me “shit talking” him to my sister and that it brought everything back up. I reminded him that my sister didn’t bash him — she just reminded me to ask for support. He didn’t believe me. I even offered to show him the texts, but he refused. He said he just needed space, and now he’s sulking in his office.
I’m trying to stay emotionally separate so it doesn’t ruin the weekend, but it’s hard. I want to talk to my sister about it — but that would just make it worse.
So Reddit, what do I do? I’m starting to feel resentment and frustration toward him because of this.
For context, when I vent to the women in my life, I always start by saying it’s just my perspective in the heat of the moment. We all do this — it’s a reminder not to let temporary emotion cloud how we see the people we love. But I know there’s still bias, even with good intentions.
My husband is a sweet, sensitive soul. He’s loving and generous but struggles to process emotions and tends to project. He has insecurities, and while he’s been to therapy a few times, he only believes in it after he goes. His family relationships are complicated and often toxic, and he works hard to avoid repeating those patterns — maybe too hard.
He always says I’m “the emotional one” and he’s the “logical one,” but honestly, I think he’s the more emotional of the two of us — he just lacks the awareness or tools to manage it.
He does so much for our family. He works 10-hour days and still takes care of most of the household. He’s exhausted and depressed, dealing with family tension and what looks like chronic health issues. I love him deeply. He’s not a bad person. He just struggles with empathy and perspective, especially when it comes to me and my family.
Now he’s in his room, sulking, and I’m here wondering how to move forward without losing my support system.
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TL;DR: My husband (33M) doesn’t want me (33F) venting to my mom, sister, or friend about our relationship. I rely on them for emotional support, especially as a new mom, but he feels judged and believes they talk badly about him. I told him I’d try to be more careful about what I share, but he’s still upset — even dreamed about it and is now sulking. I love him and understand his insecurities, but I’m starting to feel resentful and isolated. How can I balance respecting his boundaries without cutting off my support system?