My boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months and we are currently long distance. For most our relationship we have been together in person, but he moved across the country for work 1.5 months ago. I have never felt this way about another person before, and for the most part I feel like we have an amazing relationship.
However, there’s a pattern in our relationship that concerns me. For context, I have a chronic illness and depression/anxiety. I made it very clear from the beginning that I have these health issues, but that I am getting treatment for them, and he seemed very understanding.
These past couple months, I have had a very hard time health-wise, and had to be hospitalized twice. The first time I was hospitalized, it was for a reaction I had to a new medication. This reaction caused me to have tremors that resembled a seizure and neurological symptoms. Unfortunately, my boyfriend saw the worst of this, and he was understandably very distressed.
But instead of comforting me in the moment or offering any kind of help, he withdrew from me emotionally and started busying himself with chores once the worst of the symptoms passed. Even though I was still dazed and felt very confused from the initial reaction, I felt like I had to comfort him because I had a medical emergency. The whole time, he just kept saying how he knew how his reaction was wrong and that he should comfort me, but that he couldn’t control his feelings.
We had multiple conversations after this incident, but unfortunately, this behavior hasn’t fully stopped. When I have to push back calls (we usually talk 1-2x a day bc we’re LDR) or cancel plans due to me being sick, he gets noticeably upset. Usually it manifests as him being drier over text. At one point, I had to cancel plans bc of an emergency, and the next day, he told me how he wished something bad would happen to him too so that he could be the one who gets taken care of.
These comments, especially the last one, worry me a lot. We have a conversation every time something like this happens, and each time, he expresses how he feels terrible for his reactions and wants to be better, but he feels like he can’t control his actions. I love him so much, but this dynamic feels very unhealthy to me. Is there anything we can do to fix this? He says he wants to start therapy and learn how to regulate on his own, but he hasn’t started looking for help yet.
TL;DR : my boyfriend wanted me to comfort him when I was in a medical emergency, gets upset when I cancel plans due to feeling unwell. Also expressed distressing thoughts like wanting to get hurt so he could be “the one being taken care of.”