I (22F) am struggling with my (23M) cleaning. I think he wants to leave

Today I (22F) was relaxing in my bed before I started out my university work. I realised that my husband (23M) hadn't clean the room like at all. He is unemployed, our arrangement is I work if he cleans. I cook the meals all I ask hin is to clean.

So my university book is now missing. That is 7 weeks of work. Gone. He said he would clean the room one a week but he hasn't in a month. I have cleaned, worked, cooked, studied and walked the dog every day for the past month. I am behind with my university and I am so nervous for it. Like I can't actually describe the amount of fear I have. I can't even go in on days because I am so nervous.

Our financial situation got so bad because he didn't work that we are living with my mum. It's so horrible to say but I know I could live by myself and be completely comfortable financially and mentally. I love my husband so much but I think he is bringing me down.

I have spoken to him about volunteering instead of going back to work as I know, working makes him extremely anxious.
If he's ever getting overwhelmed with cleaning just to give myself a call to HELP him not do it for him.
We first got together and when we got married he was never like this. Over time i feel he's just become this childish person as if he doesn't actually know how to live.

I remember when we first got together he didn't know how to cook or clean because his dad would do everything and his mum would do nothing all day (This still is the case for them).
I remember he would complain saying that he wish he knew how to do these things. I then when he moved in with me I showed him how to use the dishwasher, a washing machine and gow to properly use a hoover. All of a sudden, it's like he doesn't seem to know how to do it anymore. It's so strange.

It feels so weird that he watches me. Have panic attacks and consider dropping out of university. But then just seems to get angry at me by it, not shouting or violent, just extremely disappointed as if i'm the one in the wrong for having to consider dropping out and work more so then we have more money.
We are going to have to register as being homeless by the end of the year if we cannot get a better financial situation sorted out.

So rn for myself its finish off getting my qualifications or do more work

I feel horrible saying it I know he's a deeply depressed and troubled man but I can't keep putting myself in these situations.

Is there any advice anyone can give?

TLDR

Husband won't clean our bedroom or figure out his finances because of his mental health now I might be homeless and have the dropout of my university.

What do I do?


21 comments

  2. > He is unemployed, our arrangement is I work if he cleans. I cook the meals all I ask hin is to clean.

    This is a ridiculous, unsustainable arrangement. Why did you agree to it?

    He’s 23. He needs a damn job. If he refuses to work then he is divorced and out on his ass.

  4. How well did you really know him before marrying him? You’re both really young, so I’m not sure you got the full picture before heading down the aisle and you’re now lumbered with someone lazy and unsupportive.

    What exactly is wrong with him mentally and what steps has he taken to address this?

  5. Leave. Let this”man” live at home.

    What sort of nonsense is it that even your school stuff goes missing? You work, clean, cook, and he has too much anxiety to work?

    Leave. Focus on bettering yourself but drop this leach. Even if he does have mental issues he needs to help himself and stop bringing you down. He doesn’t care enough to be a better everything and he knows you will put up with all this nonsense.

  6. You’re way too young to be having to drag someone along who clearly doesn’t want it.

    You should be spending these years focused on setting yourself up for longterm success.

    He is dead weight.

    The sooner you realize this and cut ties, the better.

  7. Girl, fuck that. I will help you find out what you need to do for divorce.
    You are 22 years old. I was too, didn’t leave and now I dropped out, in collections, AND THE HOUSE STILL A MESS. 26 now.

    FUCK THAT

  8. Get a divorce. You said yourself he’s bringing you down. Get rid of him, finish your education, then worry about dating.

  9. Tell him he you need a break and for him to find a place to live. Give a deadline. He might shape up or you might get your answer v

  10. If he’s the only one home all day and your stuff is going missing, he’s got to be the one moving it. To sabotage you. 

  12.  Out of curiosity, what does your mum say to this?

    What is he doing to manage his anxiety?

  14. When my wife was out of a job for 3 months, I picked up a part time in addition to my full time in construction. She cooked, cleaned, took care of the animals. When I was out on medical leave for 2 months, she worked full time, so I cooked, cleaned, and looked after all the animals. It’s about balance and sharing the physical and mental load.

    Your husband’s actions are speaking and you need to listen. His words mean nothing if there’s no follow through. Dude sounds like a man baby, not a partner or husband.

  15. > So my university book is now missing

    ??? If something is so important to you why would you leave it up to him cleaning in hopes that it randomly appears????

    Why wouldn’t you keep it secure in a secure place? That is MORE on you than him imo. Yes he is a lazy POS but you are being irreseponsbile here too.

    If he had a precious item and then it was lost, would it be fair to blame you for not keeping track of it?

    You all have a lot to work out but you are absolutely shifting blame here. Do you just leave your passport / birth certificate somewhere on the floor and blame him if it goes missing?

    Invest in a cabinet or something and keep important stuff there

  16. How do I say this nicely? You’re still not suffering enough bc not once did you mention divorcing this trash human. Why do you hate yourself so much? He’s literally using you and has zero repercussions for his behavior. Learn to put yourself first. Love yourself more than this torture. HE WILL NOT CHANGE AND YOU CANT CHANGE HIM. Can’t wait to read this story again and again until women stop centralizing gross men in their lives.

  17. I’m sorry he can’t work because why? He sounds like a loser and just wants someone to be his caregiver like how his dad was for his mom.

  18. Aw, working makes him anxious? Welcome to the club. Working makes me incredibly anxious, but when you’re an adult, you have no choice, unless you want to leach off of others or be homeless.

  19. Don’t let this man drag you down to homelessness. You know you can support yourself so go do that. It will be much easier cooking and cleaning and paying for just yourself than it is for two people. Start the divorce process.

  20. Be honest with yourself. Do you really want to live like that for the next 60 years? That is how long it could be, provided you both stay alive and do not divorce (which is usually the goal, when you get married).
    Ask yourself this question.

  21. He’s not going to improve. You already provide everything, why shouldn’t he be anything other than a helpless baby? He knows he doesn’t have to step up, you’ll just keep in doing it.

    It is ok to be alone. You need to be alone for at least a few months as an adult to get to know yourself. Who you are, what your priorities are, and what you really want in a partner. Or even if you want a partner right now at all.

    Stop making excuses for him and Divorce this hopeless loser, he’s just dragging you down

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