It was a disaster. We went for our honeymoon and to visit family. We couldn’t get a flight out soon enough or transportation and had to stay through the storm. It’s haunted me every night since. I can’t stop thinking about how it felt to watch the news tell us we need to get our affairs in order, or how it felt to hear the roof ripping away in chunks and the trees get undressed and tossed aside in the wind as it beat against our doors. We were so so fortunate to survive.

As it got closer, we called our friends to say our goodbyes. While my friends, who are by extension his friends too – they love him, all answered and did their best to help us and were optimistic and loving to both of us, his friends were not so much.

His best friend in particular took the opportunity to tell my husband it was his fault (it was my fault we were there) and to get real and check the weather next time.

We knew the season. We knew the risk. Storms so powerful aren’t so usual this late, but we bought travel insurance. We tried to leave. Everything that could go wrong did and we were so lucky to survive. We left with a phone full of new contacts and a suitcase with nothing but our cheap souvenirs the clothes we were going to wear to the airport. Everything else went rightfully to the staff who stayed to take care of us.

I won’t and don’t feel like we should defend our choice to go. It gave us the chance to help a lot of people and to be seriously humbled. However, since that night, my husband continues to grieve his friendship. I can’t imagine how he feels, but I do know that he cries late into the night. He’s stopped playing games like he used to because he played with them.

I just want to help him, but I don’t want to get in the way. Any husbands, boyfriends, cleverer partners of any arrangement have any advice? I lost my friends when we dated because I changed my lifestyle completely and don’t regret it. That was my choice and it still stung. I can’t imagine how this feels remotely. He’s my best friend and he’s an amazing amazing man. He deserves the whole stinking world. What do you think you’d do? What would you like done for you?

Update – we are playing resident evil 5 now over a bowl of his favourite soup. I want to thank all of you for your replies, and any comments that come, I am preemptively grateful. Please don’t waste time talking about the hurricane, what wasn’t the point, though it seems to be evidence that there are many people like my husband’s friend roaming the internet. Good luck to you. How horribly awful it is to have to default on disgust and anger.

Thank you ALL, and I mean all, for your comments. I’m going to continue to watch for any other advice as it comes. I’m grateful for it all, even if I kind of suck sometimes. I apologize for that. Don’t hesitate to call it out. I could use some humbling. If you’d like the timeline on our attempt to flee Melissa, there is a small thread about it. Please do read it so that it is fully obvious how defenseless many tourists were during the storm. With all my gratitude, goodnight.


33 comments

  1. I’m not sure there’s much you can do besides be there for him and be supportive while he grieves the loss of a friendship. I can’t imagine being friends with someone for years just to have them be so uncaring and cold. Just be supportive and when he’s ready to find better friends, be supportive of that.

  2. It’s just going to take time I think. He’s just found out that his bestie, doesn’t bestie like others bestie. Your husband was worried that you two and many others were about to pass away and his buddy wasn’t comforting. That’s really painful. Please, just make sure you give extra hugs and kisses, be kind to yourselves

  3. I know you want to be angry at that friend but it could be that he lashed out because he was upset or felt helpless. People deal with grief in really weird ways. I might talk to him on the side and see what that friend says. He may well be a jerk or he might be quietly freaking out himself that he reacted that way.

  4. I mean, it’s the same as you. You grow up and see people for who they are. Honestly, some people respond poorly. Do his friends not talk to him or did he choose not to talk to them based on how they acted? I’ll say this, they were probably hurt that you guys chose to do this knowing the risks and now having to say goodbye seems unfair. What they said is wrong but could have been their form of grieving.
    If they just choose not to be his friend over something this silly…. They were never really his friend to begin with and it sucks but he just has to get over it and move on- same as any break up. Nothing much YOU can do. It’s not something you can fix. You can be there for him but that’s it. He has to grieve his way and heal when he’s ready

  5. Honestly, i would be like “hey, i know this is hard and i just want to give my support, if there is anything you need or want me to do let me know and ill do it to the best of my capabilities, i may not be able to get back your friendship, but i am here for you, take as long as you need for this, i love you, i am not leaving” and then see if he wants a hug. Be emphatic (not saying you arent) open the door for him to talk to you / lean on you, this is neither of your faults, so blame neither, its the friend thats the ah, if he has a favorite food, drink or something, buy it / cook it, and see if he wants it but do NOT force him to do anything if it doesnt hurt him (like dont make him eat every meal, but atleast one meal a day must be eaten, ect) go slow, be gentle, be open, dont baby him, let him grieve how he needs to, just be supportive and let him know your here for him with what ever he needs.

  7. I think therapy would help him and you process the traumatic ordeal, as well as the friendship of ending.

  8. Your husband did t lose anything. That man was never a friend in the first place. A friend would NEVER tell someone staring down the eye of death something like that. At best he was a frenemy.

    There isn’t much you can do to save that situation and honestly you shouldn’t. Part of growing up and shedding the things in our lives that were never meant for us to make way for the things that ARE. While it stings right now, eventually that void will be filled and this time, due to the lessons learned by this experience, when is filled, it will be with someone better and he will be grateful for the experience even if it always remains a bit of a sore spot too.

    Perhaps you can encourage him to form a new hobby and make new friends. D&D is great for this, ESPECIALLY if he was into RPG style games. The people in the D&D community are often gamers as well and he might find things in common with them. Maybe you could both give it a shot that way he wouldn’t feel alone. If he continues to sit and grieve he’s just going to keep being miserable. I wish both of you the best.

  9. Just be there for him and ask if he needs anything. His ex-friend is a jerk. There are plenty of people who book holidays during hurricane season and even some that have ridden out hurricanes while there, myself included. The truth is that Hurricane Melissa was a record-breaking hurricane. There was no way anyone could know it was going to be that bad that far into the future. Most travel insurance also won’t cover unless the resort closes anyway, and by then, you were probably already there.

  10. Nothing like kicking someone while they’re down. I’d have been praying with my friends before I told them goodbye. They’re not friends to treat you that way at such a horrible time.

  11. You probably could both benefit from talking to a therapist, PTSD is a thing and it can help a great deal.

  12. What do you mean he “ghosted “ him? You say he “took the opportunity to tell” which to me sounds like he answered? What is husband grieving? Did his friend die?

  15. This might sound stupid and yes I cannot understand your situation at all. Like not even closely.

    But it’s a fact that for a lot do men, their closest friendship will be their romantic partner. Men aren’t socializedbto invest as much into friendships as women do.
    They might feel like it but they are not always (statistically not even close ) on the same level
    So your partner might have needed what you got from your friends, the base of their relationship was different and thus the care and support also is.
    Even though this is something that happens that does not mean that tue men are aware of it. Until,bit seems, something like this happens.
    You can support him while he grieves those friendships but it’s also an opportunity to realize what kind of relationships they were and how to go forward.

    Ps: also possible all his friends were assholes though

  20. I don’t have any advice for you, but from the things you have said, he is lucky to have you.

  21. I had some sympathy for the friend, that maybe he freaked out that his friend (your husband) might die and all that,but after u said how much of a jerk he is in general, I really think it’s a blessing in disguise.

  22. OP, I had the same fate in Hurricane Harvey. I tried to evacuate but the rain started sooner than projected and I was flooded in by 12:30pm. No less than 5 times that night I came so close to death it was life changing.

    Instead of a hotel it was my home. I lost everything. Literally. I escaped with my kids, my life and CPTSD.

    You need to both get in with a therapist that specializes in EMDR and trauma processing. I WISH I would have done it sooner than I did, we’re what… 8 years on and my brain still loses it when it rains. I’ve been in weekly therapy for almost 18 months straight and it’s work, my trauma was coupled with some shit from childhood so that’s been fun but I’m making progress and I’m proud of how far I’ve come.

    Nobody can ever understand what that feels like, I do, and you aren’t alone. It was real and it was fucking scary and you’re so blessed to be alive. So make sure you make the most of what you did get to keep – your life, relationship, friendships – and know that now, you can literally survive just about anything.

    You’re a badass. I’m proud of you. And I know so very well how fucking scary that is. It does get better if you work on it, I promise.

    Edit to add: my friends were all trying to organize boats to get to me, and one saw my updates when we finally made it to higher ground and came and got us and brought us to his home at 4am. Some friends could only offer words of love and support, even my historically shittier friends showed up. This man was cruel and fucked up and your man needs to know this was NOT his fault (or yours). Get to someone who can help unpack it.

    I’ll recommend the theratapper, but don’t just get one and go ham. Find someone who knows what’s up to help you, mine has pulled me out of so many panic attacks using simple vibration. Neither of you have to go through this blind or alone!

  23. Read some of the comments and your replies. Your husband’s friends are not friends if they bully him. He’ll come to this realization on his own in time when he makes new friends.

    If he wants someone to play games with, I’ll play with him.

  24. Your husband’s friend said a cruel thing, but the reason he said it was to protect himself from the horror of potentially seeing his best friend die. The shock and reality of that situation is real and not something most people or anyone really is prepared for. A lot of folks’ first response will be to reject it, simply because the prospect of real death is just too overwhelming. So, this is less a direct rejection of your husband and more his friend’s emotional IQ. 

  26. Ugh, it sounds like your husband’s friends just suck, honestly. I’ve known my husband and all of his friends/my friends/our friends since I was a teenager and not a single one of those men would have responded that way.

    Unless every single one of his friends is just using him or whatever… in my experience, there’s always at least one person who is sort of the “tether” to the person who is the punching bag. Someone who easily caves to peer pressure but has actually shown up at times, seems to care for your husband, and has the potential to be a good friend if it weren’t for the rest of the group dynamic. Is there a guy you can think of who might be that person?

    If so, you could reach out to them discreetly and let them know he could use a friend. I wouldn’t let them know about the other friend(s) being an issue, just that he’s having a hard time with shit. If not, new friends should always be an option. I’m sorry you guys had to go through that and now this on top of it. Better to realize now and have the opportunity to form better bonds with better people.

  27. Some people don’t process danger and crisis in the same way. That friend has clearly never been through a bad storm and has no clue how truly terrifying they can be. He’s also probably the kind of person who needs the attention to be on him. Sucks it’s your mans old friend but you guys are very young…he will not miss that friend for long especially as you realize life is about having good caring people around you more than anything.

  28. He’s got to realize he has a batch of real shit friends. I helped one of my best buds realize that and 15 years later he still talks about it

  29. I think his friend was correct. Why in the world would you put lives in jeopardy. There was plenty of warning. I think this just smacks of selfish stupidity.

  30. Hey, I read your post and it really got to me. That sounds like such an intense experience, not just surviving the hurricane but then having that emotional hit on top of it. Like the people you think will be there for you suddenly showing their worst sides when it matters most. I can see why your husband’s struggling. It’s not just about losing a friend, it’s that deep kind of betrayal that shakes how safe you feel with people.

    It reminded me a bit of when I went through something similar last year, not the storm part but the friendship grief. I ended up reading this book called *Attached* by Amir Levine. It helped me understand how differently people respond when fear or guilt shows up, like how some pull away while others cling harder. It didn’t fix things but it made me less angry and more… I don’t know, forgiving maybe. Might be something for him too.

    Oh and speaking of books, there’s this other one I stumbled on later that kind of changed how I look at love and heartbreak stuff. It’s called *Why Love Feels Impossible (and Drives Us Crazy)* by Clark Peacock. It’s on Kindle Unlimited if you guys use that. It’s not one of those cheesy relationship manuals, it’s more like… real talk about why we keep hitting the same walls with people and how to actually understand what’s going on underneath. There’s this idea in it that love always brings up the part of us that still feels unseen or unchosen, and that’s usually where we either run or grow. Reading that hit hard because sometimes the loss of a friend hurts even worse than a breakup.

    Then there’s another one by him, *The Alchemy of Love: What the Heartbreak Teaches the Soul*. That one’s softer, more spiritual I guess. It’s about how love breaks you open to meet yourself again, how grief isn’t just something to move through but something that transforms you if you let it. It helped me stop seeing pain as a punishment. Like, we don’t heal by “getting over” love, we heal when we realize we were never really separate from it. Sounds poetic, but it stuck with me.

    You mentioned how your husband cries at night and stopped doing the things he used to love, and honestly that’s so human. He’s not weak for that. Maybe all you can do right now is just be near him when he breaks down, not try to fix it, just be the calm he can’t find in himself yet. Sometimes it’s not about saying the right thing, it’s just about being a quiet witness to their ache.

    There’s a video on YouTube I saw a while back called something like “When friendships end and no one talks about it.” It’s a short talk, kind of lowkey but it helped me realize how much we underestimate the grief of losing friends. Maybe watching something like that together could help him feel less alone in it.

    Anyway, I think what you’re doing already matters. Just the fact that you care this deeply, that you’re even asking how to hold space for him, says everything. People heal in weird nonlinear ways. Sometimes they just need one person to stay when everyone else didn’t.

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