I’ve tried to build intimacy within myself these past few months after my breakup but it’s gone terribly.
My now ex boyfriend was my first ever partner. I was excited and nervous when it came to potential intimacy and sex…
But the one and only time he touched me (specifically fingered me and focused on me without desiring anything back) was because he became too vulnerable with me.
He emotionally left before physically and I think him after almost 7 months of dating me and never giving me intimacy- he started to feel guilty.
He dealt with bad sexual abuse from his ex and in the beginning of our relationship when we first started sexually being intimate: He said that I was just like his ex, which still fucks with my head. I had sexual abuse myself, it wasn’t something I’d wish on anybody. But it got to the point where I got extremely anxious when he did finger me and when he acted like he just wanted to get it over with, it caused me to feel like I just needed another shot at intimacy.
I felt bad at first because maybe I shouldn’t have accepted. I didn’t know what to do, How should I support him? I loved him so much and after the sexual abuse I faced earlier in my life, I couldn’t get off anyways…so I didn’t care until I only now am trying to get help.
He also broke up with me a few days later after the fingering because he wanted to be single and said he felt bad anytime he was around me.
It was only when my stress, grief, and panic attacks caused me health issues that I tried to get help and move forward.
I’ve moved on from him but not the hurt. Before him and trying to heal, I would be too digusted to touch myself and it’s only when he would kiss me or grab me that I’d feel any drive but now I feel comfortable touching but still can’t get myself off because of a mental wall and his words ringing in my head.
I also struggle with being hypersexual (I think my body is still being used to being blue balled constantly by my ex because despite everything he’d want to make out with me at least once every hangout).
However I don’t want to have sex just for someone to walk away from me again.
I just need help building my confidence up so I can tear that mental fear down. I am a partner to myself in all the ways minus sexual, I want to be better.