I’ve (29F) been single my whole life and I used to get so excited and hopeful that I’d find someone, get married and settle down. When I was younger I’d put a lot of weight on putting myself out there for dates and getting too attached too early. Maybe I was being too pushy or too available.
I’ve never dated a guy longer than two months and most guys just seem so low effort. I’ve never gotten flowers and it’s so hard to find guy who even plans dates and makes reservations. I’ve gotten so accepting of the bare minimum that I can’t fathom anything else. I hate having to ask for more every time (plan dates, checking in, etc.)
Over time I’ve been more accepting and almost anticipating rejection before it happens. Ive also gotten very skeptical and distrusting in dating. I’m better at moving on quicker and not getting attached. I’m going to be 30 next year and I honestly feel like I’ve lost the spark to want to meet new people. I feel like they end the same and I almost don’t care anymore. I feel like I’ll never find the one and I’ve been rethinking family goals.
I have a good career and I think I’m fairly attractive. I’m learning to be single and satisfied instead of married and happy. Idk how to get the spark back. I think I need to stay motivated but I’m so burnt out. I keep telling myself it only takes one person.
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Honestly this resonates so hard. I went through something similar in my late 20s and that whole “accepting the bare minimum” thing is such a trap – like you start thinking basic human decency is some huge romantic gesture
Taking a break from dating actually helped me reset my standards and remember what I actually deserve instead of just what I’d gotten used to. The spark usually comes back when you’re not forcing it, even though I know that sounds like annoying advice when you’re in the thick of it
I completely can relate to absolutely everything that you have said. I recently turned 32, the longest I’ve dated a guy has been 6 months, and have felt really discouraged that it hasn’t happened yet. Obviously happier alone than with the wrong person and we won’t settle, but don’t want to be alone. Every wrong turn feels so discouraging. Here if you ever want to vent!!!
I think we are living the EXACT same life, im almost 30 and never had a boyfriend and its absolutely exhausting navigating the dating world. All the men I meet just want to hookup and ghost when I try to make real date plans like dinner, walk in the park, etc. I’ve completely given up, im.just so exhausted but I also crave intimacy and connection so badly
Tell you what send me ykur po box and ill send you some flowers
No woman should ever not know what its like to recieve flowers.
Gooduck dating kiddo
Use this valuable time to date yourself and get to know who you are and the multiple ways that you can love yourself.
Trust me, you will enjoy the journey.
Cheers 🍷
To add. I really don’t go on a lot of dates anymore and I guess my issue too is the motivation to put myself out there. Bc I’ve gotten so used to thinking finding someone was just a fantasy that I don’t really try anymore. Guys I’ve met and my friends tell me I’m so independent but the reality is I’ve never had a reliable guy in my life so I’ve had to be. I’ve been solo traveling and picking up new hobbies but putting in the effort to date is hard.
I’ve been there. It’s exhausting putting in effort that isn’t matched. It’s okay to take a break and just focus on being happy solo for a while. The spark comes back naturally when life starts feeling full again, with or without dating.
31M and never had a relationship longer than two months now. I’m at this point and taking a break until the new year (perhaps longer).
I already lost the desire at 28 being a guy 😆
Dating in your late 20s/early 30s is crazy. Everyone seems to have experienced very intense relationships and break ups. It often feels like people are just empty. Even when women like me, show lots of interest and we reach a moment that we might take things to the next level, the pessimism starts pouring in. Everyone seems so scared of heartbreak, and people seem to search for absolute certainty before taking the plunge. I’m sorry, I can’t prove that I’ll be the ideal partner for the next 40 years in just a couple of months. It’s a risk, it always was, and always is.
Also, everyone seems to think they’ve figured it all out. I may be 31 years old, but I can acknowledge that there’s still a lot of life to live, lots of love to be given, and lots of love to be lost. That’s life. But all the 28+ year olds seem to think that making a future with someone impossible, they’re actually being rational. This over-rationalization of relationships and love is making it impossible for people to bond. And that bond is very objective and rational on one hand, but also completely insane and irrational on the other hand (love & attraction).
About your low effort comment: low effort men seem to be in. No other way to see it. I’ve literally tried it and the more you can ignore a person into double texting you, the more attractive you become. It’s crazy, and I’m disappointed that I can’t even show the slightest bit of genuine interest to get some kind of relationship out of a date. And these aren’t toxic women or anything. They’re pleasant, classy and smart women (this is all from my perspective), but somehow their lizard brain has been programmed to fall for a severe lack of interest. So men adapt to that system. Sad.
Nothing wrong with being content with where you are in life & not settling. It’s good to stay open to the possibility if you meet someone that you feel a chemistry with. But better to just be content with yourself than to keep wasting time on people that aren’t worth it. You have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince & if you’re lucky you’ll find one, but being around a lot of toads gets old fast so better to enjoy your life & if someone worthwhile comes your way go with it to see what happens…
Check out Burn the haystack
Im (28m) in the process of getting divorced after 5 year relationship, 3.5 years of marriage. I thought I found my forever person, but unfortunately trauma and attachment styles can make codependency and communication difficult. I am about to finish my career training of 3+ years, and the vast chasm of the unknown can be unsettling. I went from having property ready to set up roots and be a supportive partner, with their buisness,(and live out thr next 50+ years) but it wasn’t meant to be. Although I plan to take photos for dating apps, I do not look forward to kissing toads, as was eloquently put earlier. I was single until age 21, and have had two partners my entire life. The lesson I’ve taken from my first really hard breakup (this divorce), is to work on yourself, and choose yourself. I wish nothing but the best for my ex, and projecting love to all is my philosophy, even those who are no longer deserving of it. Love thyself. I have started going to the gym regularly, and gotten into my passion for reading as much as possible, and games with my friends. As one who could be described as an “incel” 7 years ago, I’ve learned that courage and confidence in life go much further then I could have ever believed. I refuse to settle, or be disingenuous to future life partners. Being medicated for depression and adhd in the same year moves mountains as well. In the end, we are all a small blip of time in this beautiful, wonderful, chaotic thing we call life. Be your own timeline, and don’t give up hope on yourself. The rock yields to water with enough time. I’ll choose to be the water.
I’m starting to sense that the overwhelming choices (or the illusion of choice) available in the dating scene today causes people to abandon putting in the slightest effort to make a relationship work.
No INSTANT spark? Next.
Slight disagreement on a small issue? Next.
Have to exert the tiniest bit of effort? Next.
Not putting out immediately? Next.
Not LITERALLY the perfect romance? Next.
I’d imagine that more matches you can pull the less effort you feel like you need to expend, too.
FWIW I’m trying to do my part as a man to be decent and put in as much effort as I can spare, but I’m not very attractive and I’m pretty awkward so I don’t get many opportunities. I don’t date men tho so I can’t offer much perspective on what’s going through the heads of people who behave this way.
I’m only 24f but feeling this heavy tonight. I feel like such an outsider to the dating world rn. Even though I have a date tomorrow night. I’ve been on too many sucky first dates this year. I have to delete the apps in 2026. It’s hard when you crave it though 😭😭😭