Hi reddit. This is my first ever post! My boyfriend and I have had a few conversations about this topic, but we seem to always come out of it feeling like we weren't heard by the other person. We are typically great at communicating and do a really good job at taking each other seriously when there are issues, but we just can't get it right for this one. I was hoping some kind internet strangers could offer some objective opinions, so I really appreciate any advice you all can give.
I have been with my (21M) boyfriend, let's call him Mark, for nearly five years. We were high school sweethearts and have always got along like best friends. We make each other laugh like nothing else, have thousands of inside jokes, have helped each other through both of our lowest points, have celebrated our highest points, and have gone through a lot in five years. I know we are only 21 so we feel like babies to you guys, but I am confident in saying that I wouldn't want to try dating anyone else. Mark has said the same. It feels like we are literally built for each other.
Okay, now for the context. So back in March of 2025, Mark went to study abroad in a foreign country. This had been a dream of his for years at that point, and I was totally supportive. We were already long distance, having to go to school in separate states, so it felt like the best time to get it over with (lol for me). (I should mention that when we were long distance in separate states we still were able to see each other occasionally). So he leaves to go live out his dream and I cry, very sad sad. But at the same time, I want him to go do this cool thing, so I'm happy that he gets to go.
So the plan was that Mark was supposed to stay for a semester, and then come back at the end of the summer. Well, about 2-3 months into his stay, he warns me that he is really enjoying it, and thinks there is a possibility he stays for ANOTHER semester. I think, "oh ha ha, that will probably not happen." Lies. He tells me that he is going to try everything he can to make it happen, and if it doesn't work then it's not a loss because he gets to come back home to me. I am like, kinda upset because in theory it would be nice if he was dying to come back and see me, but I decided that if this was really important to him, I could stand to support him some more.
Somehow, everything falls into place for him to stay. Teachers offer classes specially for him back in the states that he can take in the spring instead of fall semester so he doesn't fall behind. He stretches his budget to make it possible. He does the things and he stays.
So, I'm really trying to be a supportive girlfriend, but he seems to just love it there. Away from me. He tells me about all the cool things he's doing, the friends he's making, what he's studying, and it's all wonderful. But, when he talks about what he misses, it changes from it being me before everything else to, "I really miss my family, and my friends, and you, of course." Like, I might be being over dramatic but I loved when he used to say that I was the only person he really missed having around like he did when we were together.
Okay, so here's the recent stuff. I brought up to him that I was not feeling prioritized in our relationship in August, about three months ago. It was kinda chaotic; him saying that he felt like he couldn't open up about his experiences there because I would get jealous that he was having fun without me (true haha), and me lowkey turning into a monster saying that it felt like he was cheating on me with a literal country. To add, he asked me if I would ever consider living in this country long term. You know, this place I have never been. Now I am studying to be a dance teacher and choreographer, which involves a lot of talking in English. This country does not speak English, and so having a career there would be literally impossible for me. What upset me more was that he asked me that at all, since he knows how important dance is to me and how hard I have been working and training for it. I can't just throw it all away so he gets his dream, right? But in the same way, I shouldn't expect him to throw away his dream, living in this country, just so that I am happy, right?
He has expressed that he thinks it would be a great place to raise a family, and that there is still so much he wants to learn there that he can't do in the US. And I get it. I also would love to raise a family in a safe country. But the issue I see is that we can both actually have careers in the US, while only one of us could in the other country.
I just get sad because before he left I had absolutely no doubts that he would drop everything for me in a moment. But now, it almost feels like he's being selfish? Again, I am probably just as selfish because I want him back even if it means not living in the place that would make him happy.
Oh, and I know y'all will probably be suspicious of him cheating on me with some new girlie which is why he is so adamant about staying. I assure you, he is not. He has been so good about telling me what he is doing and who with, and he as an INTP, I can verify is extremely loyal and not interested in others. I have known him for six years and know him VERY well, and a move like that would be extremely out of character.
Okay, so what can I do, reddit? How can I remind him of all the history we have and how precious it is, and that maybe it's not worth leaving it all behind? Why do you guys think he used to prioritize me so, so much, and now I am grouped into the same category as "people he misses" "people who would ideally be with him in his future" and my personal favorite, someone who he is "morally, religiously, and personality-wise compatible with and who would make a great partner." (lol when did I become boxes to check off? where did the loving me for me go?). Please help me I love him so much and it really sucks to have had that, but to feel it slipping away and I haven't even been there to cause it. He will be back in two more months, but I feel like I shouldn't depend on us being together in person to fix everything.